Episode 403 – The power of our words

“The power of demonstrating your idea is that your opponents do not get defensive, and are therefore more open to persuasion. Making them literally and physically feel your meaning is infinitely more powerful than argument.”

Robert Greene in “The 48 laws of power.”

• Life is the best teacher
• When we become aware of the moments when life teaches us – we can learn a great deal
• But it takes courage to recognize these moments because they are often inconvenient, sometimes embarrassing and even painful
• It requires vulnerability to admit that we are in need of a lesson
• It requires openness to accept the lesson
• It requires a willingness to change
• I had such a moment the other day and I want to share it with you
• It was an extremely special lesson
• You will see why
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• I attended a workshop and was on my way back to the airport with 3 other people from the workshop
• One of the people in the car I knew better because we had shared an AirBNB together
• The other 2 I only knew very little
• The day prior the people who hosted the workshop changed the schedule of the workshop to accommodate earlier departures because of an incoming snow storm
• Everyone tried to change their flights to get out as early as possible
• I did the same
• First I was told by the airline that it wasn’t possible, that there would be a change fee involved
• So I didn’t do anything
• But later I found out people that flew with the same airline were able to change flights at no costs online
• So I attempted the same
• But I did it in a rush
• I found a flight much earlier in the day than my original 5pm flight and for free
• So I quickly grabbed it
• When I received the confirmation email I only verified that the cost was still Zero and the time of departure
• In the morning on the way in, I double checked my flight on the App and was surprised to see 1pm
• I could have sworn I booked a noon flight
• Then I read the date – Thursday Feb 21
• It was Wednesday
• I realized that in my rush I accidently grabbed a flight for the next day
• two of the people in the car immediately offered their hospitality
• My Airbnb partner lived not to far from the airport and another person was going into Manhattan for work and offered me the other bed in her hotel room
• This was extremely generous and certainly gave me some tranquility knowing at least I would have a place to stay
• But I am sure you can understand that I was pretty devastated about such a stupid mistake and that I really wanted to get home
• So I jumped on the phone right away
• I started out pleading my case immediatlty –
• I explained my mistake and begged the rep to do something
• I didn’t even allow him to check availability of flights – I wanted assurance that I could switch my reservation for free
• He told me curtly that this is only possible once and that I had used my chance already and that I needed to pay the change fee
• I argued and pleased and became even more curt when he told me there are no flights available that same day and that I have to fly tomorrow
• I hung up and, as you can imagine, pretty emotional
• I didn’t freak out, I didn’t yell, but I definitely didn’t handle the situation correctly
• Now picture this
• I am in a car with 3 people, all of them I just met a few days ago
• Next to me – a lawyer
• Then a business owner and an entrepreneur
• In the workshop we practiced speaking and giving each other effective feedback
• And that feedback came as soon as I hung up
• All three of them gave me ideas on how to approach the situation more effectively and before I knew it I was rehearsing for my upcoming second chance that would take place at the service desk at the airport, where I would try to get on a flight that day
• The situation was special and here is why
• I was surrounded by 3 people – all of them more skilled than me at the art of effective and compassionate communication
  • One by trade – as a legal expert he constantly deals with high stakes sitations where he needs to gain buy-in from the other people
  • As a business owner and entrepreneur being able to network and maintain effective client relationships is critical for the business
  • The woman who owns her own business as also naturally very kind
• I am always drawn to people that are so adept at maintaining not only their cool in difficult circumstances, but who also can be kind and compassionate
• When I throw up my arms in frustrations when the plane sits what seems like forever on the runway, I secretly admire the person next to me who gently smiles while reading her book as if nothing was out of order
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• A you might know, one of my 2019 goals is to be kinder – all the time and with everyone
• this can be challenging for me in high stress situations like the one I had just been confronted with
• And you might remember, not to long ago, I had an equally challenging situation when I was stuck in traffic for 7 hours
• The difference?
• This time I was actually able to change the outcome
• Possibly – not guaranteed but definitely worth a try
• The problem?
• I didn’t know how to approach the situation properly
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• I strongly believe that the things we need to learn in life will confront us over and over again – until we learn them
• Especially if we want to learn them
• That’s when we become more cognizant of them
• That day in the car, on my way to the airport – I don’t know if I would have recognized my mistake had I been alone
• I would have blamed to unfriendly service representative on the phone for my dilemma and I might have rushed into the airport even more charged, armed with a defense and ready to pull out all sorts of reasoning as to why I needed to be on a flight today
  • And without having to pay for it
• But thanks to the company of wise people in the car, and my willingness to receive their feedback, despite the fact that I felt quite embarrassed, I learned a hugely important lesson
• And its not a new lesson
• It’s a lesson I teach myself
• Right here on this podcast – I have encouraged you to do something I quite obviously do not yet master
• In every communication with another person – I first need to SEE the other person
  • It doesn’t matter how desperate the situation is, if I approach someone with a request – its not just ME who matters
  • We need to take the time to see and connect with the other person first
  • We need to be human first before we expect others to help us out
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• Its so simple, yet its so hard to execute, especially when the stakes for ME are high, as they were in this case
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• One of the people in the car went on the app trying to simulate booking a flight and showed me how there was plenty of availability for afternoon flights
• This demonstrated clearly that the rep on the phone didn’t want to help me
• Most likely because I was already upset and did not even try to collaborate with him
• Here is what my fellow team members taught me that day – and what I am forever grateful for:
• The approach matters
• The approach matters because it decides the outcome of the event
• When we are at the mercy of someone else – its almost common sense that we don’t want to start out from a place of upset
• Very few people will be inclined to help someone who is already upset
• The approach matters
• A gentle and kind approach that values the other person first has a much higher chance of getting the desired result
• Why?
• Because people want to be heard and seen
• Especially those people whose job it is to deal with difficult customers like me
• They are already geared up for complaints and have standard responses ready
• But when someone comes along that seems to care for more than just getting their own needs met, they will relax and be more willing to assist
• And I wouldn’t share this with you if I didn’t have proof
• This is what makes that situation so special because 2 hours later, I had my second chance
• This time, face to face
• After rehearsing with my friends in the car
  • With feedback from a skilled negotiator
  • A compassionate entrepreneur
  • And a kind a savvy business owner
• I was still nervous
• But I was prepared
• And together with the lawyer I waked up to the help desk at the airport where 2 women sat ready to assist people like me
• I smiled
• I asked my person how she was
• I briefly explained my dilemma
• And I asked her what my options are
• I didn’t dictate the outcome, like I had done earlier on the phone
• My way or the highway
• I allowed her to see my need and help me out in the way she thought she could
• And without a lot of words
• And while my friend was in deep conversations with the other rep next to her
• My rep asked me if I wanted a window or an aisle seat and printed me a boarding pass for a 3pm flight
• Wow
• I am so grateful, thank you so much
• I even got a smile out of her
• She was happy she could assist me
• she could have easily charged for that flight
• I had used my free change already
• but she didn’t
• because I wasn’t confrontational
• I wasn’t demanding
• I wasn’t a victim
• I simply explained my mistake and asked for help while at the same time acknowledge her, respecting her and the rules she has to follow
• What an amazing lesson
• Most lessons don’t come this way
• With a mistake
• Followed by a two hour coaching session with 3 highly capable individuals
• And then the opportunity to try again
• I don’t recall where I had such a chance
• It was invaluable because I demonstrated that it is possible
• The approach matters my friends
• Now you may already know this
• You could have been one of the 3 people in the car coaching me
• But maybe you have other areas in your life that you are working on getting better
• Maybe compassion is not your issue
  • Maybe for you its learning to say no more often
  • or its learning to listen more and talk less
  • to ask more questions
  • to smile more
• whatever it may be for you that you are trying to get better at
• here is my advice
• practice practice practice
• I told a friend later about my lesson that day and he responded by telling me that he has told me so many times
• Indeed, he did
• But being told and intellectually understanding what we need to do is not enough
• I get it
• I teach it
• I tell you to do it
• Yet when confronted with the situation – I cant set the example
• At least not right away
• I could after rehearsing it
• And you can bet that I will remember this for a long time
• The next time I am in a pickle again, I am certain I will remember it and hopefully will do better
• But it takes repetitions
• Changing behaviors that have been engrained into our being over years and years of reinforcement take time to rewire
• It’s the same as building a new routine such as exercising or eating better
• You have to practice by doing it again and again until one day it becomes second nature
• That’s my goal with kindness this year
• Initially – it will cost me a lot of effort
• It may even feel a little fake, like I am acting my kindness
• That’s ok
• Initially I had to force myself to log my calories
• I didn’t like doing it
• I would skip the meals where I cheated
• Today I log everything and do so with joy
• I want to hit my goal and I want to see when I don’t
• It’s the same with everything new
• Its feels hard at first until it feels normal
• But that’s what change is all about it
• If it wasn’t hard, more people would do it
• Very few people attempt to change
• They think they are who they are
• They don’t realize the power they have at their fingertips to become whomever they would like
• I am not happy being rude and impatient and demanding
• That’s not who I want to be
• So – this year – I am going to work on it
• And the work wont be done until the kind response is the default response
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• If you would like to share with me what you are working on, I would be really grateful
• I am interested to hear what my listeners are working on
• Maybe I can make it a topic to cover as an upcoming episode
• Until then
• Take control – manage yourself
• Make changes where needed
• And practice practice practice

Much love