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Episode 407 – The inner critic: An overly protective friend

• Welcome back fellow listeners
• Today I want to share something special with you
• I am super excited actually
• Since the beginning of my podcast I have always encouraged listener feedback
• A few of you have left comments on my website for the episodes that resonated with you
• But its emails like the one today that make me happy
• This kind of feedback helps me get up in the morning and when I drag myself through the day – I remember these messages and they give me new inspiration
• Listen to this comment from one of our listeners:

Hi Janine, I hope you are well. I have enjoyed listening to your best of the best episodes. I had a recent experience of going to an Oscar viewing party but almost did not go because I did not know anyone. I was afraid of being rejected by putting myself out there. I decided to not let the stories that I was telling myself stop me from being with people who like movies. I ended up meeting someone who may be another movie buddy. It is amazing what can happen when we work through our fears.

• I love it
• Its indeed amazing what can happen when we work through our fears
• This line is from my listener but it could have been straight from one of my episodes
• I love that it came from someone else
• It means someone else is seeing the results of their work
  • Their hard inner work
• And it is hard
• You can tell based on this persons feedback that this was not an easy step
• How often have you opted for staying home instead of going to an event that made you uncomfortable?

• Our inner critic – that part of the brain that wants to protect us against anything unknown and potentially harmful
• On one hand – it makes us feel safe
  • Stay with what you know
• It wants us to sit on the couch and watch Netflix
• And when we listen to it – we get rewarded by a feeling of comfort and relief
  • So glad I didn’t go to that party
  • Probably was boring anyway
• But in the back of our mind there is always a little What If voice that nags on us
• That wants to know what would have happened had we gone for the risky thing
  • It wonders – what if
  • What could have happened
  • What did I miss
• But – since we didn’t go – we don’t know
• Instead we spent a nice evening on the couch doing nothing
• Next time a similar opportunity roles around, we are even less likely to take a chance

• We all have different voices inside of us
• Sometimes they support us and sometimes they hold us back
  • Sometimes we look in the mirror and love ourselves in that new outfit
  • And other times we cant find anything positive to point out
• And my listener is correct
• They way these voices often operate is through stories that play in our head
• These stories come from a life time of experiences, beliefs and ideas we have accumulated
• Sometimes our stories are based on past experiences – a mistake, a disappointment, a setback
• Sometimes they are just stories – tales like the ones we find in books
  • Made up by our inner critic
• Don’t get me wrong
• The inner critic is not our enemy
• When I researched the topic I found sources that call the inner critic a self-destructive antagonist
• I don’t think this title is helpful for dealing with it
• In fact – I believe the inner critic has a place
• I consider my inner critic an overly protective friend
• We all know what that looks like
  • For some of you it might be your parents
  • For my grandparents every new adventure I decided to undertake was potentially life-threatening
  • My grandmother always found a way that I could die if I pursued my idea
    • An airplane crash
    • Or a car accident
  • Sometimes its our friends or partners that worry about us a bit to much and hence, are not supportive of big steps that may not be following the book
• In situations that are dicey and truly potentially harmful, we need this friend to protect us
• We all have been there
  • About to get in the car and drive when we know we had alcohol
  • Going out with friends when we know we should be at home studying
• That’s when we need to listen to our friend and call an Uber or leave our friends so we can prepare for our test
• Its good to have the voice of caution in our ear reminding us what could happen and thereby helping us make more responsible decisions

• But quite often, our inner critic speaks up without cause
  • When there is no real danger
  • When we are just trying to be a little bit more brave
  • Step outside of our comfort zone
  • Go for something new and different
• That is when we gently need to reject our inner friend’s advice so we can actually explore our potential
• And my listener did it successfully
•  
• You know what I find interesting?
• Its not that we don’t know how to tune this friend out
• We do it all the time
• When we really want something – we have no problem ignoring the inner critic
  • When the donuts show up in the office
  • When the bed is nice and warm
• Every time we forego our goals and aspirations and go for something we know is against it
  • That voice is there as well
  • Reminding us
  • Hey – its not good for you
  • Its not what you said you would do
  • Its not responsible, ethical, right
• And we do it anyway
• We know very well how to shush this nagging friend
• Yet – when it comes to challenging ourselves
• When its time to step up, come out of our shell a little and take a chance in a positive direction –
  • We allow our inner critic to win
• We don’t know how our listener succeeded
• But I bet you can imagine what it looks like because you have been there yourself
• And if I asked you or if I think back to what I did, we would say some of the following:
  • I had to force myself
  • I argued with myself
  • I found good reasons to
  • I tuned it out and just went for it
  • I ignored all the voices in my head
• This is what it takes
• Just like we did with our parents or overcautious friends when they tried to talk us out of our adventures
  • Maybe we argued
  • Maybe we reasoned
  • Maybe we just found an excuse or a little lie and did it behind their back
• Point is – when we really wanted it – we found a way
• This is why I set goals every year my friends
• I put in writing what I want to accomplish that year so it is always front and center for me
• Sometimes we need forget about what matters to us
  • The invitation sounds good but the couch sounds better
• Its easy to drift back towards the known and comfortable
• That why our diets and fitness and many other goals fail
• Because initially they are uncomfortable and our inner critic will always talk us out of it by telling us all sorts of stories
•  
• Lets all learn from our listener and lets use the tactics we know work best with the nagging people in our life and apply them to ourselves
• I don’t like arguing –
• I may try to reason for a while but if the other person isn’t open to my reasons, I go for what I want
• What works for you?
• It might help you recall a few people in your life or maybe your past that always tried to dissuade you from your path
  • What did they say and how did you react?
• Use the same tactics for yourself
• You need to stand up for yourself
• Nobody else will
• You can watch Netflix all your life – if that makes you happy
• But you will have never tried anything risky and you may regret that at the end of your life
• Your overprotective friends don’t have your best interest in mind because they don’t know what’s in your best interest
• They judge it from their point of view
• They use their level of risk tolerance and apply it to your life
• You are different
• We all are different
• Only we know what is best for us
• Start standing up for yourself
• As you go through your day become more aware of your inner critic
• Find the difference – when is it trying to protect you and when is it holding you back
• What are things you have been putting off?
• Saying no to repeatedly?
• Even though you really want to pursue them?
• Every day we face our inner critic
• But we are so used to it – we barely notice it
• Can you detect some of the stories your inner critic tells you in the following examples:
• • You are not smart enough
  • You’re not attractive
  • You’ll never be really successful
  • You don’t have the time or money to pursue your dreams
  • The world will hurt you so you better protect yourself and don’t show your feelings
  • Everyone is out to get you
  • Nobody is interested in you anyway
  •  
• I could go on and on – but it only depresses me because I have told myself many of these silly lies
• And most people do
• Even those people who have it all
•  
• Become aware of your stories – just like my listener
• pay attention to when you suddenly slip into a bad mood or become upset,
• ask yourself whats going on and most of the time you will notice that your inner critic is ranting negative stories in your head
• then learn to take control over your inner voice by consciously deciding not to listen and rather play a different story
• and the best way to shut the inner critic up is to act in your best interest.
• Just like my listener
• Go for it
• Give it a try
• You can always come home
• But at least give yourself a shot
• Learn to dialogue with your overprotective friend in a way that works for you
• Give it new stories – stories you decide on – not your inner critic
• You tell the stories because you are the director of your life

Much love