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Episode 463 – the power of words

• Welcome QFY fans
• How is your day going?
• How is your summer?
• I wish that you have an amazing summer
• If you haven’t been outside much – put it on your calendar for thus weekend
• Summer is to be enjoyed outside
  • A morning walk or jog
  • A dip into the ocean or a lake on a hot afternoon
  • Watching the sunset from a nearby hill with a loved one
• I encourage you to feel summer
  • On your skin soaking up the sunlight
  • in your hair as the breeze comes in through your window as you drive
  • On your feet as you walk barefoot along a water shore
  • And In your heart as you feel lighter and happier because summer makes you feel that way
• Summer makes me happy
• I just returned from another climbing weekend in Yosemite and saw so many people out
  • People hiking, fishing, climbing like us
  • People on bikes, motorcycles, and in convertibles
  • People bathing in the cold mountain lakes like us when we come down from the mountain, all sweaty and exhausted
• That’s summer
• I love summer and I hope I can inspire you a little bit to love summer as well and go out and taste it
• Today’s topic on my mind came from a conversation with my climbing partner this weekend where he said to me that he values actions more than words but tht I am the opposite and that I need words as confirmation
• That got me thinking
• Is this true?
• I always thought I value actions over words – especially with my climbing partner who is not a big talker but demonstrates his commitment through his actions
• But then we have had situations where I challenged is lack of communication and I reflected on those times
• And I noticed that there is not one or the other
• Both actions and words can have their merits and pitfalls, their strengths and weaknesses – depending on the way they are used
• Words can be powerful
• Strong, explicit words like
  • Your fired
  • You lost
  • I’m proud of you
  • I love you
  • Will you marry me?
  • I met someone else
• We all have, at some point in our lives been greatly affected by the words someone said to us
  • Words that made our heart dump to the bottom of our stomach
  • Words that jumped up into our heart and turned our cheeks red
  • Words that made us dizzy in the head
  • Words that sent shivers down our arms and our spine or shot tears into our eyes
• Words can greatly influence how we think, feel and then act
  • Words spark my imagination when I see them in front of me in a book or an article on my monitor
  • But words can also dampen my mood and bring about negative feelings, such as often happens via those emails and text messages we all receive from time to time
• and yet, actions are equally powerful
• especially in the absence of words – actions can communicate what words otherwise would
• actions can show us how another person feels about us, how committed they are to a cause, and who they are as a person
• our actions demonstrate who we are
• even if we don’t want to be that person, when we demonstrate the behaviors – we are that person
• words and actions combined are even more powerful when both are in sync
  • when we do what we say
• but when we say we are sorry and then do the same stupid thing again, then there is a mismatch between actions and words
• and that is when we get confused
• words need actions;
  • actions reinforce our words,
  • they give them credence and credibility
• Actions show the level of truth behind the words
• Lots of things are said every day
• Words are all over the internet, and wherever people meet and talk with each other
• Words can make us feel at ease temporary, but its not until the person follows up with an action that supports the words are we actually at ease
•  
• Both are needed,
  • actions need to follow words to give them credibility
  • but also – and quite often – words need to follow actions to provide explanations and interpretations because not all actions are always clear
• sometimes actions are enough and say everything that’s needed
  • when your partner fills up your car with gas on a Sunday evening – nothing needs to be added for interpretation
  • it’s a powerful message of love and care
• but – I have noticed that there are times words are more powerful than actions

1. Words are needed when the action is inaction

• silence, non-responsiveness, failure to show up
• we have done it and it has been done to us
• we are always communicating – even when we are silent
• silence may say –
  • I don’t know how to react at the moment
  • I am still thinking
  • I didn’t like what you said
  • I don’t agree
• I have talked about Silence as a response on this podcast before
• To me- its not an acceptable response because it leaves the other person guessing
  • Am I being ignored?
  • Are they still considering?
  • Did he get my message?
  • Is she just really busy and hasn’t had time to respond?
  • Do they simply not care?
• How do we know what they’re telling us when there is silence?
• Action lovers will often break the silence with an action
  • A sudden hug after a day long of this awkwardness
  • Or a continuation of the day-to-day conversations as if nothing has happened
• Long-term silence is not ok
• When you are side-by-side the person, living and working together, silence makes things hard for the other person
• This is when words are needed
  • Can you give me some time to think?
    • Might be something that can be said in absence of the right words
  • Can you clarify what you meant by ….
    • Can be used to initiate the conversation
  • I am deeply hurt by what you did
    • Is a way to express the feeling that causes the silence
  • Silence is preferable for the person initiating it
  • But its not for for the other person who now has to wait without a clear understanding of whats going on
    • Just because you are hurt by something I said doesn’t mean I know why you are hurt
    • I cannot always know why you are silent, so don’t assume I do
  • When the action is inaction
  • When you are tempted to become non-responsive by ignoring the other person, not listening to what they are saying, not doing what you need to be doing – then you should use words
  •  

2. Words are needed during conflict

• Silence is often a sign of conflict
• The other person is silent because they are chewing on something and just don’t want to or are unable to tell you what it is
• Words are critical during conflict
• I have had partners that tried to wipe over the conflict with a thoughtful action
  • Flowers, dinner, physical contact
• That’s nice, but that is not enough
• Conflict is a sign of a problem and a problem needs to be addressed with words
  • Otherwise, its most likely to occur again
• Actions may express feelings –
  • I still love you
  • I am sorry
• But words are needed to resolve the issue

3. Words are powerful tools of recognition

• Lovers of action will often argue that their actions are a sign of appreciation
  • But I wash your clothes every week – I wouldn’t do that if I didn’t love you?
  • Or
  • I gave you a promotion last year – I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t think you are capable
• Actions can send strong messages of appreciation, but words are needed to express feelings
• we are all built differently – some of us need more words than others
• but even those silent lovers of actions need a pad on the back sometimes
• we all want to hear encouragement and know that we are doing well
• whether its at work for a job well done or at home for a delicious meal prepared – we want to be noticed and recognized and words can do that in powerful ways
  • that’s how greeting card companies survived for so long
• a promotion from my boss is nice, but its even nicer when he tells me why I earned it
• flowers delivered from a loved one are beautiful gesture, but words along with the flowers expressing his or her feelings for me are priceless
•  

4. Words help us understand one another better

• I have spoken about the power of writing on this podcast
• I consider myself first and foremost a writer
• You never see my writing, you only hear me speak
• But 95% of what I say starts with written words
• I also love challenging conversation that require that I sort through my brain to see what I truly believe and think
• Expressing ourselves with another person or with our journal can be an important way to gain clarity
• As we dig through our thoughts, we challenge ourselves to express what we think and feel
• This is important in relationships
  • It helps us get to know each other and understand one another better
  • So that when we are being our unique selves with our ticks and our manners, we understand why
• Its also important for our own growth and development
  • As we gain clarity in our thoughts, we can better understand the decisions we make
  • Because, and as we talked about in the last episode – our thoughts determine our actions
• Words fill in the holes that actions cannot cover
• Actions are just not always clear and words can provide this clarity
  • I did this because I wanted to show you XYZ
  •  
• I have met many people, often men, that are like my climbing partner
• Quiet, comfortable in silence, and focused on actions over words
• I am a word person
• I love words
  • I love reading them
  • Listening to them
  • Learning them
  • And writing them
  • And I also love to speak
• I am not a huge talker, but when I am comfortable and when I feel I have something important to say, like here, with all of you on this podcast (even though I don’t know you) – I like speaking words
• I like words in different languages
• I like the sound of some words
• I have favorite words
• I love words
• And when I am with another person, I want words to flow between us
• I enjoy silence alone – but with another person I don’t want to share silence
• I want to share words
• I especially like Words that express interest
  • Words that probe
  • Words that inquire
  • Words that ask and challenge and make me think
• I don’t need many words, but I like clear and direct words
• Words help me learn about the other person
  • How they grew up
  • What they think
  • How they look at the world
• Actions – positive and committee and supported actions are needed in every relationship
  • I show my boss that I am committed to my work through actions
    • Not just my regular work but other things, where I go above and beyond my regular duties
  • I show my friends that I support them by offering to help out when they need me
• But actions alone are not sufficient
• We need to use our words
  • To explain our silence
  • To express our feelings
  • To explore our mind
  • To congratulate someone
  • To share about ourselves so others can understand us better
  • And to resolve conflict
• And maybe there is more that I cannot even think of at the moment
• And if you do – feel free to send me a note
• As you know I’d love to hear from you
• Words from you are a powerful tool for me to know how my message lands
• So my friends
• Don’t underestimate the power of words and use them
  • Good words
  • Encouraging words
  • Words aimed at resolving issues
  • Words that grow and enrich your life and that of the people around you
• Those Words can make a difference in someones life

So don’t be afraid t sue them

Much love