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Episode 477 – the truths about conflict

• Welcome back QFY fans
• In Our last episode we talked about the importance of working on ourselves
• Nothing changes until we do that
• We can wait a lifetime for others to change
• Or we can work on ourselves
• This isn’t always apparent – I get it
• We were nice, kind, respectful – we did everything right
  • Why do we need to change and what?
• Sometimes its just our perspective on the situation or our expectation from the other person that needs a revision
  • If we are kind and the other person is not, maybe its time to set boundaries or create distance
• In order to be happy, and reach our dreams, we need to take responsibility
• I put all the relationships with other people in my life to this test:
  • If a person is holding me back from reaching my goals
  • Or contributing to constant sadness and frustrations
• Its time to take responsibility
• If I have tried everything
  • And in the last episode I suggested you play with different approaches
• Then taking ownership of my life may include to say good bye
  • No matter how hard this is
  • No matter how many things we share in common
• We are here on this planet to be happy
• I recently gave this advise to a friend who asked me about a decision he faces
• I asked him
  • What is this that makes you happy?
  • And – what are your priorities in life at this moment?
  • Make your decision based on the answer to these 2 questions.
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• We have it in our control to change our outcomes
• But we have to take responsibility
• We waste to much time making due
• Accepting, settling, compromising
• Being our best means making the right decisions for us

• And as I was working on this episode – an email landed in my inbox that I wanted to share with you
• Its very applicable to the topics we have been covering this week
• Its from meditation guru Light Watkins and it reads:

• I love this
• Lets go over these 4 truths
• The first one is your truth
  • What you believe is right in the situation at hand
• The second truth is my truth
  • What I believe is right in the situation at hand
• The third truth that is neither yours nor mine
  • Its not related to a person, but to the matter at hand
  • It doesn’t worry about who is right or wrong
  • It only concerns itself with the fact that there was a conflict which requires addressing
  • This truth challenges us to find the lesson in the conflict
  • Like a car crash
  • 2 cars got into a collision because something went wrong
  • What went wrong?
• And lastly, the fourth truth
• It’s the one we talked about in the last episode
• It’s the truth that the responsibility of the conflict is with us
• It reminds you and me that we need to work on ourselves
• Daily – we need to do the work
• And when there is a conflict, we can go through the 4 truths
• Starting with the first – my truth
  • What do I believe is true for me here?
  • What is important to me?
  • Who am I and what matters to me?
• Then I can look at your truth
  • Who are you and what do I know about you?
  • What matters to you?
  • And how might that have influenced your decision?
  • I am making an effort to see your point of view
• Then I look at the matter at hand
  • What went wrong?
  • What is the lesson here that we both need to draw?
    • Maybe a better approach next time
    • A softer tone
    • A different way to express our feelings
    • Picking a better time for it
    • An incorrect assumption we made
  • There is always a lesson
  • But I cannot control the lesson you draw
  • I can only draw mine
  • And this takes us to truth number 4
• Accepting what happened
  • Not fighting it
  • Not arguing unnecessarily about it
  • Not making yourself a martyr either
  • but doing the inner work
    • taking what you know about you and the other person and the lesson in the conflict and then taking responsibility
    • and then moving forward
  • For example
    • Another fight with your partner
    • You were kind, you didn’t do anything wrong that you can think of
    • He overreacted
    • Maybe jealous, maybe in a bad mood
    • But it has happened before
    • Take the 4 truths and go thru them
      • your truth – you were kind and respectful
      • his truth – he is angry maybe because he feels insecure
      • the general truth – this happens very frequently and no matter what you have tried – you are unable to avoid these angry outbursts from your partner
      • now the inner work begins
        • you ask yourself:
        • its sacrificing your happiness and there isn’t much else you can do
        • he needs to make some changes
        • how much longer can you put up with it?
        • What action can you take to take responsibility for your happiness?
      • This is the inner work my friends
      • It happens to me every weekend when I am with my climbing partner
        • There are always conflicts, small and some much bigger
      • I am constantly reflecting:
        • What is true for me?
          • This one is not easy – you have to be honest
          • For example – he gets upset because I couldn’t tie a knot he told me to practice
          • The truth is – I didn’t practice the knot all week
          • Its hard to admit because all sorts of excuses come in first – I was busy, I had a lot of work etc
          • However, the truth is the truth – I didn’t practice
        • And this truth then leads me into a much better understanding for his truth
          • he is frustrated because I didn’t make an effort
          • he taught me something and I didn’t practice it
        • do you see how helpful it can be to go through these truths?
        • I think they are so powerful that they can change the outcome of the conflicts in our life in a dramatic way
        • Because instead of arguing and blaming – I will draw the lesson that I need to practice my knots next time
        • And the inner work is done by understanding where my responsibility in this relationship lies
      • So powerful my friends
      • Give these 4 truths a try next time you are facing a conflict and let me know if something changed for you
      • Maybe we can share your experience on an upcoming episode

Much love