Episode 435 – The surrender strategy

• Welcome QFY friends
• You may have heard me talk about Robert Greene’s book The 48 Laws of Power – on previous episodes
• Well – I am still working my way through this book
• Here and there – when I can find time, and hopefully now a bit more with our reading challenge from last week – I am making my way through each of the 48 laws
• Today I want to talk about Law 22
• I am fascinated by this law because I have used the tactic described a few times recently
• And while Greene talks to the reader as someone who is searching to gain power, – I have told you that I don’t look at that book in this way
• I search for applicability in my daily life
• Not to have more power over others, but over me
• Because, and so I realized while reading this book and experimenting with some of the laws – the more power I have over myself, the more power I have over my environment
• The more I can control my feelings and my reactions, the less others can control me
• You know this
• When we give in to our feelings, when we disengage our brain and ignore our intuition and just let loose – others and their actions affect us to a greater degree
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• The greatest lessons in this book are about self control
• The better I can manage myself– the more effective I can be in my interactions with the people in my life
• The surrender strategy is a great tool that at first sight doesn’t appear appealing
• I discovered it by accident
• After years of arguments and fights in relationships and with friends and family members I decided – its not working
  • I waste energy trying to make someone see my point of view
  • I waste time I could use more productively
  • And I cant remember when arguing and fighting back actually led to a productive outcome
• I stopped caring about my need to win and one day I decided to do the opposite of what I always do – and I surrendered
• Wow
• Instead of arguing my point, I basically pulled out the white flag and said – you are right
• I surrendered
  • I apologized
  • I showed empathy for their feelings
  • I took the blame for whatever I did or didn’t do
• And I saw magic unfold
• Greene describes the magic as follows:

This is the essence of the surrender tactic: Inwardly you stay firm, but outwardly you bend. Deprived of a reason to get angry, your opponents will often be bewildered instead.

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• I have talked many times on this podcast about the concept of letting go
• And I keep discovering more and more areas of life where letting go brings the peace we se desire
• Surrendering is also a form of letting go
• And every time I let go – I see magic unfold –
  • in front of me as the other person also seems to be letting go of whatever they are gripping to
  • and inside of me, as a feeling of ease and peace takes hold of me
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• Here is the law according to Robert Greene:

“When you are weaker, never fight for honors sake; choose surrender instead. Surrender gives you time to recover, time to torment and irritate your conqueror, time to wait for his power to wane. Do not give him the satisfaction of the fighting and defeating you — surrender first. By turning the other cheek you infuriate and unsettle him. Make surrender a tool of power.”

• It works my friends and that is why I am sharing it with you today
• I have fought a lot – with my words
• And I decided – Its rarely useful
• I realized that most of the time, I didn’t even care that much
• I simply fought for fighting sake
• Only to come out on the other end confused and exhausted – unsure what even started the fight
• When I did care, I knew fighting wouldn’t resolve a thing
• But surrender will
• Surrender is always the better tactic
• In every argument that ensues with any person, I now first ground myself:
• And I ask:
• How much do I care?
• Fighting is worth sometimes when we really care for a cause and want to defend it
• This however is rarely the case in daily life
• Most arguments arise over petty little things
• They are the result of unmet expectations
• So before I get to deep – I try to stop myself:
• How much does this matter?
  • Do I really need to argue with the store clerk for why I couldn’t find the beef jerky because they moved it?
  • Or with a friend over why we didn’t get together last weekend?
  • Or with the partner who I already decided is not the right person for me?
• Most stuff is petty and yet we find ourselves in these pesky little arguments all the time – wasting time and energy and often damaging the relationship
  • When I don’t care about the issue
  • When the matter is minor, and insignificant
  • When I don’t care about the person arguing
• I know this sounds harsh, but to clarify:
• A stranger I will never see again
• An ex partner that brings up old issues
• Anyone we don’t have a relationship with but who drag us into arguments
• Why engage?
• In all these instances – I surrender
• I give them the pleasure of winning
• You are right – I screwed up – I apologize
• Have a great day
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• Here is an expert from Law 22 from the book:

What gets us into trouble in the realm of power is often our own overreaction to the moves of our enemies and rivals. That overreaction creates problems we would have avoided had we been more reasonable. It also has an endless rebound effect, for the enemy then overreacts as well. It is always our first instinct to react, to meet aggression with some other kind of aggression. But the next time someone pushes you and you find yourself starting to react, try this: Do not resist or fight back, but yield, turn the other cheek, bend. You will find that this often neutralizes their behavior—they expected, even wanted you to react with force and so they are caught off-guard and confounded by your lack of resistance. By yielding, you in fact control the situation, because your surrender is part of a larger plan to lull them into believing they have defeated you.

• Give it a try my friends next time you find your adrenaline rising because someone pushes your buttons
• Or you want to launch into something because you feel injustice has been done
• Start by asking to which degree you care
• You can end the matter fairly quickly with surrendering if the answer is “very little”

• When you do care for the person or the matter– surrendering is still the better choice over fighting back
• Magic unfolds because the other person is often confused by your move
• So they usually let go
• In arguments with ex partners, I have noticed how they lowered they voice, yielded more towards me, without me asking them to, they explained the matter of frustration in more detail and they calmed down
• Backing down often helps others to back down
• When they see that you are not in fight mode, they usually also let their grip go
• They are geared up for your defense and when they see they don’t need their amour, they drop it
• Sometimes this may actually help resolve the issue
• Both of you are now calm
• You have apologized which makes the other person think
• Now they may come to the table and be honest and open as well
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• For you, surrendering is a highly strategic move because it gives you time to think
• Surrendering doesn’t mean you take all the blame and hide in a corner and cry
  • It’s an outward peace offering
  • The white flag
• You surrender because you refuse to fight
• the topic of argument may not be resolved
  • its placed on hold
• Surrender buys you time for the appropriate action
  • Time to think
  • Time to plan
  • Time to calm down and look at everything with more distance
• Instead of losing yourself in a jumbo mumbo of words that when spoken only come to haunt you, you buy yourself time
• In Greene’s words

That is the power of surrender – it gives you the time and the flexibility to plot a devastating counter-blow.

• Of course we are not planning a counter attack – we are planning an appropriate response – at a later time
• Greene makes it clear that surrendering is a tactic
• And it is
• I have used it that way
• Not to plan a counterattack – but as a way to not get wrapped up to much
• As a means to let go and move on
• To save myself valuable time and energy
• But also to buy myself time to think
• And that is usually the case when I fight with people I care about a lot
• Lets be clear
• If there is a constructive conversation going on
  • Where both of us are engaged and open to the other persons view point
• Then I don’t need to surrender
• I use surrendering as a way out when I don’t see another way out
  • When things are heated
  • When I feel the other person doesn’t hear me and just wants to battle
  • When I am to emotional to express my thoughts clearly and without judgment
• Basically – when we are at war – like Greene describes in his examples in this chapter
• He has a story of German writer Berthold Brecht in there that I found quite interesting and never known about
• Brecht used the surrender tactic when he was investigated by the US for his communist activities
• Instead of fighting tooth and nail, he surrendered quite strategically
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• The tactic works in relationships with loved one, at work with your superiors and with strangers
• It works when the matter is important and when its not
• Because surrendering is first and foremost about us
• Listen to this beautiful illustration Greene has written in this chapter:

Image: An Oak Tree. The oak that resists the wind loses its branches one by one, and with nothing left to protect it, the trunk finally snaps. The oak that bends lives longer, its trunk growing wider, its roots deeper and more tenacious.

• Then he writes:

Power is always in flux—since the game is by nature fluid, and an arena of constant struggle, those with power almost always find themselves eventually on the downward swing. If you find yourself temporarily weakened, the surrender tactic is perfect for raising yourself up again—it disguises your ambition; it teaches you patience and self-control, key skills in the game; and it puts you in the best possible position for taking advantage of your oppressor’s sudden slide. If you run away or fight back, in the long run you cannot win. If you surrender, you will almost always emerge victorious.

• Surrender is about self control
• Its about managing your rage, your emotions, your body that wants to do whatever it wants because of the chemicals boiling inside of you
• Surrender is taking control of yourself and managing yourself with eloquence and tact
• By doing so, you may be faking an appearance that doesn’t match your inner state, but that will get you to an equilibrium
• The world around us doesn’t have to know every feeling we feel
• Our goal should always be to find the best possible solution to make peace with ourselves and the world around us
• Surrendering accomplishes this
  • It teaches you patience to sit with a matter and think about it instead of reacting to it
  • It gives the other person the space to do the same
  • It brings the best out in you because you are contributing to further the relationship
• Lastly, I noticed something important when I use the tactic
• The time I big myself to think is highly critical
• Here is why:
• It gives me perspective not just on the matter at hand but also on the person
• Quite often a fight is a consequence of something else
• Arguing and trying to resolve that one issue doesn’t usually address the overall concern
• Distance has helped me realize the bigger picture
  • I have gained clarity on what actually matters
    • Often it was not the issue at hand, but something else
  • I also have realized that people I had arguments with are not people I want in my life anymore
    • I noticed this in dating – especially early on
    • My instinct is to address the issue and move on
    • But I realized, through surrendering, apologizing and then going home to think – that there are things that bother my
    • The thing I did that I apologized for was often a result of some inner unhappiness with the person or the situation
    • This clarity has helped me realized that this person may not be right for me
  • Distance is important my friends
  • Greene expresses it as follows:

The point of surrendering is to save your hide for a later date when you can reassert yourself.

• I always thought that admission of guilt is the ultimate downfall
  • Fight is over and I have lost
• So I always came from a place of – I have to defend my honor
• Surrendering has taught me that my honor is not gained by winning an argument
• My honor, my integrity, my character is defended best when I come from a place of peace and a place of self-control
• Fighting often ends unproductively and has negative outcomes we didn’t foresee
  • Breakups, hurt feelings and more
• Surrendering is a tactic that avoids those outcomes
  • It brings temporary peace to both parties
  • And it paves the way for a resolution at a later point that benefits both parties
• Don’t look at it as win or loss
• Look at it as way to achieve resolution
• For yourself as you gain perspective
• And for both of you as you find the best possible outcome

• As Greene says
• Leave martyrdom alone: The pendulum will swing back your way eventually, and you should stay alive to see it.

• You will eventually win

• The haters will be baffled by your surrendering and will withdraw
• The people not meant to be in your life will show you clearly what you need to do next by their erratic behaviors
• And your loved ones will leave the battle alone and will try to work out a resolution with you, not against you

• Give it a try!!

Much love