Episode 521 – Time with mom

• Welcome friends
• I am breathing
• I am sitting here breathing
• Deep, profound breaths
• As I write
• Yes, because I haven’t written and I love writing
• I love preparing my episodes
• Sharing my thoughts, the lessons I learned and the questions that are still on my mind
• I love seeing the words unfold in front of me, on the screen’
• I just came back from dropping off my mom at the airport in SFO
• 16 days with my mom are over and I the first thing I do is write
• And breathe
• Breathing because my heart is heavy with so many emotions
• My mind with so many thoughts
• And breathing helps a little
• And writing
• Writing helps a lot
• Finally back to my episodes
• I have so many ideas and inspiration, accumulated over the last 2 weeks
• They want to come out
• They want to be expressed
•  
• So I do what I love most
• Even though I am tired
• The last night with my mom – I didn’t sleep well, neither did she
• And I told a couple of friends I would take a nap
• But of course I am not
• Maybe later after my thoughts have spilled out
• But for now, I am here
• Reflecting on the last 2 weeks
• Time with my mom
• And as I already alluded to, it was time for her, and very little for myself
• And that is what I want to speak about today
• Because among others, this was probably the biggest struggle of all,
• That my time
  • The time I took off from work
  • The holidays
  • The time I had
• Was not really my time
• But was time for her
• Now, most of you probably wont find this to be a big deal
• If you have a family close by, children or other people you dedicate time to on a regular basis
  • Then you are used to not having all your time for yourself
• But for me, These 16 days were a mountain I climbed
• They were a challenge because they took me out of my routine
• And everything that is outside of my regular routine is at the same time outside of my comfort zone
• And just like any mountain that I climb
  • There is unknown terrain ahead of me
  • Requiring skills I don’t know I have
  • And preventing me for taking the easy way out
• And I felt the same way with my mom
• My mom as a person wasn’t the issue
  • Its true that her and I are not particularly close
  • But I wanted her there
  • I bought the ticket for her
• The problem was that I couldn’t do what I would normally do
• My days revolved around her
• She didn’t force me
• I wanted to do this – it was my idea
• Wanted to show her this beautiful place called California
• And so I did
• Spend many hours driving, sightseeing and talking about this or that
• I wanted her to see why I live here
• And she said she finally understands it
• Said it multiple times
• Every time we were at the ocean
• And many other times
• And I enjoyed the travel portions myself
• We went to places I hadn’t seen since I first came to the US
• And we went to others that I go to frequently because I love them
• But there were several moments when I became impatient
• Especially as the days went on and I saw my vacation time dwindling and realized I had not done anything for me
  • I had downloaded all these books onto my iPad, somehow imagining I would have all this time to read
  • I had made a big list of items I wanted to tackle
    • Mostly related to my podcast
  • Even my 2020 goals are still only in draft format
• I got a few workouts in, my customary Christmas morning run, morning yoga, but not much else
• and today I am reflecting on the battles that I fought during the times where I wanted my time back
• they are similar to the battles on the mountain when I cannot seem to be able to move forward
• when I cant seem to figure out the proper move with my feet or hands to get me up
• but I cannot give up, because there is no turning back
• and so was the case with my mom
• I became impatient at times, said things I shouldn’t have said, but then pulled myself together again and moved on
• I showed her as much as possible
  • Felt bad the one-2 hours I was in the gym , but otherwise I spent all my time with her
• We bought the things she needed and wanted
• We tried the foods she desired
• Could I have done more?
• Yes, for sure
• Today I realize what I could have done more of
• And these are my lessons that are slowing sinking in I relfect on my time with my mom,
• And I want to share them with you
• Because at times we all have to spend time with mom
  • Time with people or on tasks that are not our first choice
  • That take us out of our comfort zone and away from seemingly more important projects
• Maybe you also felt like this over Christmas
  • Hanging with relatives that you would rather avoid
• And this episode is also for those of you who do not make the time for mom
• Because you don’t think you can face the sacrifice involved
• A friend told me today that he has another friend who flew all the way to Florida to see her mom on Christmas morning, and flew back the same night
• Wow
• We all have our lives and our things to do
• But I am slowly learning that we also have to make space for that which feels more like an obligation than a joy
• Why?
• Because its another form of discomfort
  • Like going on a date or learning a new language
• Discomfort shapes us, bends us, forces us to draw on resources we didn’t know we have
• And most importantly, Discomfort teaches us more about ourselves
• Because it pushes our boundaries
• And in the next episode I will share with you some of the lessons my mom taught me
• Not on purpose
• On the contrary
• These were behaviors she exhibited, that sometimes even annoyed me
• But that I reflect upon today and that make me realize that I can learn from her
• But more on that later
• For today, I will share with you 3 pointers that can help you ease more into your time with your mom
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1. Relax

• The time is allocated
• There is no turning back
• Stressing out over what you could be doing now is not going to change the situation
• So you may as well ease into it
• It helped me when I decided up front on the days where I would take a couple of hours for myself to work out or check emails
• The longer I waited, the more stressed out I became
• So, push your to do’s aside and come to terms with the fact that most will not get done
• But if you can, carve out some time, no matter how little, for the critical tasks
• Or for self care, like a walk or a workout
• And then relax into your discomfort
• Because only when we relax can we make the best out of the situation
• As long as we complain about it, we wont see what’s best
• It requires that we are present
• Tip number 2

2. Be present

• There were times I texted back and forth with friends
  • Or that I was focused on the wrong things
• And not on my mom
• I wasn’t present
• Moments I didn’t listen to her or follow up on something she said
• Or didn’t ask questions to engage her
•  
• Those are the moments I miss now that she is gone
• Being present requires a little bit of effort
• But what else do we have to do?
• We already committed to the time, then we may as well be there fully
• Even if its hard
• Its while we are present that we can be open to whatever may be
• Most importantly, we can learn
• Point 3

3. Learn

• More on my learnings in my next episode
• But I am a big believer in the fact that we can always learn out of every situation
• And especially when we are uncomfortable
• Because the fact that we are uncomfortable means that something isn’t right
• Something needs addressing
• For me, it was about letting go of my agenda and spending some quality time with my mom
• And to do this, I needed to relax and be present
• What do you need to learn out the situation you are avoiding?
• Are you not making the time to spend with the people that may need you?
• Remember
• If something is uncomfortable
• If we rather not do it even though we kind of know deep inside we should
• Then there is something there that requires attention
• Force yourself and address it
• Expose yourself to your fears and face them
• Book the trip and make the time and just see what happens
• Don’t fight it
• Relax into it
• Be open and present
• And see what it is that you can learn about yourself and about being a better person
• I will share my learnings with you in the next episode

Until then

Much love and happy new year