Episode 25 – You are important

“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”
― Brené Brown

• I think the root of many of our problems today is that we feel unworthy
• Understanding where this unworthiness comes from can be one of the most difficult research projects into our psyche
• It often started way before we can remember with actions and or words from people near to us that affected us in a dramatic way
• Later we sometimes continue the spiral that started unconsciously, either consciously by the environments we expose ourselves to or subconsciously, by what we think and tell ourselves
• Life is a journey where we are always challenged to prove our worth
• advancement in school, acceptance to social circles, applying for and succeeding in jobs, partnerships, and throughout all of life an endless array of tests – some formal, others less so, possibly self-imposed
• Failure, rejection or disproval in any or all of these areas can lead to deep disappointment
• how we handle this disillusionment can often be traced back to what happened in the early years of our life
• I am not a psychologist or psychanalyst and don’t want to pretend one
• So my foray into the unconscious ends here
• My focus with this podcast is to help you get out of whatever is holding you back
• My emphasis is on the here and now – how to move through challenges in the present moment
• And a feeling of unworthiness is a major obstacle for many, holding them back from some of the success they could accomplish
• We often tend to make our worthiness dependent on others’ expectations and our judgement about whether or not we can meet them
• sometimes these conditions are imagined, made up by our mind
• either way – we basically allow others to decide whether or not we have value
• we hand over control, we give others power over us
• and the fear associated with the negative consequences of not being deemed valuable causes stress, anxiety, depression, and many other negative feelings
• healing from this can sometimes be a long journey that may require the help of a professional
• sometimes intense pain through heartbreak or loss wakes us up and we realize how our own feelings of worth contributed to it
• but often we just need a shift in mindset
• if you resonate with this – if you think you struggle with recognizing your value – then the main task that lies ahead of you – is to reign control back in
• that is easier said than done – I realize that
• here are a few thoughts that I want to put out there for you to consider:

• life doesn’t happen to you
• You have the power to change it
• Realize that other people and events are only as powerful as you allow them to be
• Your worthiness and your happiness should never be depended on anything outside of you – whether that’s money, things, a person or a certain life situation
• And since we can’t eliminate many of the outside influences, we need to do the work on ourselves
• If you have listened to my podcast for a while, you know that all roads always lead back to yourself
• So lets focus on up-leveling your mindset
• Because that’s where it all starts
• most importantly – you need to get rid of negative self-talk
• this originates with your thoughts
• we discussed this on previous episodes
• your thoughts tell you all sorts of things
• so you need to shut them off
• or, a better strategy, you need to re-direct it
• First – the focus on the other person or situation needs to be lessened and come back inward
• Understand that you cannot control outside events – nor people
• Just imagine how complex you are on the inside – imagine trying to read another person and predict every step they take
• Impossible
• Second – start looking at all the things that are great about you – not the outside world
• when times were tough for me I reached out to friends and they came out of the woodwork
• I actually never thought I had many friends
• I wrote their names down in my phone and I was amazed how long the list was
• This gave me strength because I felt blessed having so many great friends
• Count your blessings and write them down.
• All the great things about you and your life
• This may take time – sometimes we cannot see all the good in our life right away. So keep the list with you and as you notice things, take stock and write it down
• It’s a loop
• Helping recognize how blessed you are gives you strength with in turn helps lessen the depends on outside recognition
• You need to learn to value yourself
• it requires a strong inner core that some people innately have and others have to work on
• but it’s the basis of your emotional well-being.
• In addition to negative self-talk there is often blindness or a discoloring of your world
• You are not seeing things for what they are
• If people are hurting you, or you are hurting yourself, and you are excusing that, or blaming yourself, then you have loosened your boundaries to much
• Again – you have handed over control
• If you are too dependent on the approval of others, my suggestion is to create some distance first
• This inner work I encourage you to do is difficult to do if you are constantly facing the situation
• I am sure you have heard the phrase to love yourself
• I always find this a little too abstract
• What does it really mean?
• It means many things.
• Loving yourself is the end result after you do the work
• And the work starts with gaining some control of your thoughts
• And the first step in that process is to focus on whats good
• Your brain has been conditioned to focus on the negative so you need to practice a little
• What I like about this that it is very logical
• There is no wu-wu going on with all this focusing on positive etc
• Not feeling worthy is illogical because there is no measure or test in this world that determines worthiness
• Its something you came up with, something your mind led you to believe – its your own measurement
• The thing is – Your worth is unconditional and guaranteed
• Its intrinsic
• It cant be measured or judged
• The minute you entered the world you got the stamp of being worthy to be part of the human community on this planet
• So – all the random thoughts you picked up along the way that got you to this point of not feeling good enough – we need to dismantle them and get back to basics
• There isn’t really anything you need to do to be worthy
• You just need to get rid of false beliefs
• I call this up-levelling your mindset, from its current to the next level
• Start controlling your thoughts about yourself
• In Episode 9 I talk about recognizing your thoughts and the power they can have
• I encourage you to listen to it
• Begin to value yourself
• And – like I always say – start small.
• Today find something you love about yourself
• Write it on a sticky note and place it on your bathroom mirror
• And please do something else – smile at yourself once in a while today
• Just give yourself a smile
• You deserve it
• Because you are important – you just may not see it
• But just because you cannot see doesn’t mean its not the case
• Make an effort today and get back to yourself, your inner strength and your power

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
― Brené Brown