At the root of many of the behaviors we wish we could eradicate from our lives –  anger, jealousy, addictions – lies a deep dissatisfaction with ourselves.  We are not happy with who we are.  We are filled with fear and anxiety about life, and the potential outcomes of life.

Issues arise when we begin to act on those imagined outcomes. Usually, those behaviors are reactive, controlling and fear-driven.

Try to let go of this worry and learn to be OK with what is. Work with the results of your actual reality, not your imagined one. Live and enjoy life and become good with who you are.

Show Notes for Episode 94 – Dissatisfaction with self

“To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is: a dissatisfaction with self.” ~Joan Didion

• I really like this quote
• especially the second part
• dissatisfaction with self
• it drives so many of our behaviors
• jealousy, control, anger, addictions, abuse
• all these arise from deep within, where we are not happy with who we are
• there is fear, and anxiety about life, about potential outcomes of life,
• realizing we are a victim to our own fear makes us dissatisfied
• Have you had those moments when you felt helpless, anxious about a situation, jealous and angry? Share your story
• And at the same time – you know this is not the right feeling
• You don’t feel good about feeling this way
• But no matter how much you try to calm yourself, and tell yourself that everything will be ok, you cant get it together? Click To Tweet
• then you start behaving in ways you later regret
  • you try to control and manipulate
  • you insult people and make them feel bad
  • you try to get what you need through some round-about, sneaky and dishonest way
• dissatisfaction with self
• fear of reality
• not trusting the outcome
• because this is not who you want to be
  • feeling unloved
  • feeling incomplete
  • feeling undeserving
  • feeling lonely and isolated
• feelings that are calling for attention
• but without help and guidance, we don’t know how to deal with these feelings
• so we mask them, hide them, pretend they aren’t there
  • we try to get from others what we are missing by controlling them or the immediate events
  • we avoid close relationships and suppress emotions to protect ourselves
  • we pretend everything is ok, when its really not

“Human anxiety is greatly amplified by our ability to imagine the future, and our place in it, even a future that is physically impossible.”—Joseph LeDoux

• fear, dissatisfaction, the feelings of not being enough …
• it all comes from within
• from thoughts that imagine the worst possible outcome
  • what if the great guy I met doesn’t text back, cheats on me,
  • what if my coworkers talk behind my back, what if I get fired,
  • what if the bill is so high that I wont be able to afford it
  • what if my daughter is not honest with me
• all these what ifs
• and what happens?
• its one thing to imagine all these future scenarios, but its another to act on them
• buts that’s often what we do
• we behave according to some imagined future outcome
  • we get ahead of ourselves
  • emotions heat up, and once they boil, they become more difficult to control
  • our energy is focused on this one thing, with little room to concentrate on other things, leaving us depleted and with valuable time that has been lost
  • we push and force things that have not yet had a chance to play themselves out
  • all this leads to distortion
  • distortion of our own feelings, of the balance of life, and other people’s lifes
  • it forces events and people – it produces unnatural outcomes –
  • and yes – when we get what we want – it feels somewhat good – adrenaline comes back down, we get to breathe, but I also know, and so do you
  • a forced outcome never feels as satisfying and fulfilling as one that just fell into place on its own accord
• it’s a cycle
• living in the future means we are not here – enjoying and savoring the present
• anxious about tomorrow, next year or with what SHOULD be means not being ok with what is right now
• trying to control events that have not yet occurred or people that don’t do what we thought they would – that’s messing with the flow of things, not trusting the process, not trusting ourselves that we can handle it
• we are dissatisfied with our present self
  • unhappiness with our own self causes the negative feelings in the first place tell a friend
  • and then fear adds fuel to the fire
• and there is no fast fix or trick to this
• I can say – try to let go – but then you roll your eyes because that’s what everyone says
• and its much deeper than that
• its one day at a time
• you have to work on cultivating presence within yourself
• this means finding more permanence in today instead of seeking assurance in tomorrow
• it means trusting yourself that whatever happens today – you can deal with the outcome
• it means being ok with who you are and what is
  • he doesn’t text back
  • you get fired
  • the bill is high
  • your daughter lied to you
• so be it
• deal with actual results, not imagined ones
• that doesn’t mean you cannot prepare
• but preparing for the future looks different from imagining it has already happened
• in fact, preparation future is one of my tips
• so
• that said
• I know there are many deep seated reasons why we are unhappy with ourselves
• why we carry fear
• and you can and maybe should see a professional if this is a major issue for you that affects your daily life
• but I am also a strong believer in helping yourself
• the obstacle that stands in the way becomes the way
• work with it
• address it and move through it
• you are not happy with yourself – get to happy
• work on it
• its not impossible
• but instead of focusing on tomorrow, your list, your agenda, focus on now, on today and on yourself
• address your issues first
• author of Tuesdays with Morrie

“Much of what we called “depression” was really dissatisfaction, a result of setting a bar impossibly high or expecting treasures we weren’t willing to work for.”

― Mitch Albom, Have a Little Faith: a True Story

• so here are a few thoughts for you – for next time –
• when you feel that you need to
  • push something or someone that’s not moving
  • make something happen based on your timeline
  • be anxious, nervous, distracted because you fear, you worry about something that hasn’t happened yet

1. come home

• I call my meditation practice coming home
• I am returning to presence
• I sit still, I focus on my breathing
• its critical you have a practice that brings you back home
• that reels you back in from the reactive, anxious, out of hand person that is trying to win you over
• for some its prayer, for others it might be listening to music, a walk in nature
• come home and center yourself
• take notice of what is right now

1. trust the process

• yes that’s me saying to you – let go
• really imagine yourself letting go
• have you ever done or seen that group exercise where you stand in the middle of a circle of people and you let yourself fall with the hope they will catch you?
• it’s a great trusting exercise
• let go of the outcome that you are attached to
• let go of your way
• I know – our way appears to be the best but only for us
• there are millions of other people out there and they all want their way
• just because you imagine it one way, doesn’t mean it will happen that way
• open yourself to other possibilities
• allow room in your mind for other options
• ok – if this happens or doesn’t happen – then what will I do

1. prepare – don’t react

• I mentioned this already
• go ahead – prepare for worst case scenario
• if you expect a high bill – go ahead and cancel the huge Amazon order you just placed that morning
• if you think someone cheats on you – prepare for your conversation with that person and your potential next steps
• get your resume ready
• get yourself ready and prepared to deal with the storms of life
• but don’t react to a storm that hasn’t arrived
• running around getting everyone and yourself worked up
• remain calm
• remain present
• and be ok with the discomfort of unknowing
• allow room for possibility
• be good with what is and tell yourself this
• This is good. Whatever this is, and even if it hurts a little, its good.

and lastly

1. Get out

• life is waiting
• go and do something else
• don’t wait, think and imagine
• it’s a waste of time
• go doing something you enjoy
• listen to a podcast, read a book and live your life
• while the events you are dreading play themselves out – live your life
• you can force things and control things, but the outcome wont be satisfactory
• don’t waste your energy with worrying, with planning complex manipulation maneuvers, with texting a million people
• put your sneakers on and get out
• grab a book, and go for a walk to your favorite coffee shop
• call a friend to meet you there
• do something that makes you happy
• something that puts a lid on the dissatisfaction boiling inside

“So whenever that brittle voice of dissatisfaction emerges within me, I can say “Ah, my ego! There you are, old friend!” It’s the same thing when I’m being criticized and I notice myself reaching with outrage, heartache, or defensiveness. It’s just my ego, flaring up and testing its power. In such circumstances, I have learned to watch my heated emotions carefully, but I try not to take them too seriously, because I know that it’s merely my ego that has been wounded–never my soul It is merely my ego that wants revenge, or to win the biggest prize. It is merely my ego that wants to start a Twitter war against a hater, or to sulk at an insult or to quit in righteous indignation because I didn’t get the outcome I wanted.

“At such times, I can always steady my life one more by returning to my soul. I ask it, “And what is it that you want, dear one?”

“The answer is always the same: “More wonder, please.”

“As long as I’m still moving in that direction—toward wonder–then I know I will always be fine in my soul, which is where it counts. And since creativity is still the most effective way for me to access wonder, I choose it.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear