Episode 34 – The people in our life

• In the last episode I talked about difficult times and how to move through them
• I touched briefly on people, and how people are often the reason we suffer
• Mainly – our relationship with them
• So this made me think and I decided so spend a little bit more time this in todays episode
• A lot of the drama in our life is caused by our relationship with people
• Partners, friends, family
• While we cannot choose family, we can choose our friends and partners
• Choosing a partner is probably the most important decision we will make in our life
• It’s the person we will spend most of the time with and who will weigh into key decisions we face
• Friends are also important, but usually they are not such huge influencers as our partner

• So then it becomes very important how we choose

• And I believe that the problem with choosing is two-fold:

1. We often don’t know what is important to us – or what to look for
2. Sometimes we are very clear what we are looking for – but then these are usually wants and needs that we cannot fulfill ourselves, so we look for them in a partner or friend

The first issue – not knowing what we want:

• The problem is that a lot of times we don’t know what to look for in a partner
• We have some idea of the traits and skills the person should posess
• But often that list doesn’t include everything because we simply don’t know
• Especially when we are young, we dont have much experience with romantic relationships so a lot is based on experimentation
• and if your parents where not the role models you wanted them to be, the selection can be even harder for you
• We haven’t given much thought to actual characteristics our partner should have because we have not asked ourselves what is important to us
• We let our feelings guide us, we let our heart speak, because that is what movies and fairytales tell us to do
• And we end up selecting partners and friends without thinking long-term
• And how they will fit into our life that we want to live
• I really encourage you to listen to Episode 17 where I talked about your values
• Our relationships should match our value system,
• our friends and partners should add value to our life

The second problem – knowing what we want

• All of us have inborn needs for love, care, and attention
• We want that special person on our side to spend time with and feel loved
• However, many people portray their needs for care and love onto the other person,
• They are not able to make themselves happy and feel loved so they are looking to fill that void with a partner
• This leads to many issues in the long term
• And while I believe that relationships and friendships should complement each other, meaning some things the other person is better at than you, and that is wonderful – the basis for the friendship should never be to fulfill a complete void
• It’s nice to be able to give in a relationship – giving something that you are really good at, but then you also need to receive – receiving what someone else is better at

• So if you are listening and you want to be in a relationship, or you are looking for a close friend, I want to ask you:

1. do you know what you are looking for? AND
2. Are you the person you are looking for

• Meaning
• Do you exhibit the values yourself or are you just hoping the other person has it all and pulls you along?
• Can you live up to the person of your dreams by bringing with you the traits and skills he or she might be looking for?
• My focus is on you first, on your development and your growth
• This is the essence of Quest For You
• You want to fulfill yourself first and foremost, take care of you inner world, heal and overcome, and then you can reach out and present your wonderful and amazing self to the world
• And you will find that the world responds,
• And people will want to be with you
• Because you are strength, and love, and passion within yourself
• If you don’t know what this looks like, sit for an hour in a busy coffee shop and observe people
• There will be women and mean walking in that you notice right away – they display a sense of confidence and comfort within their own skin
• They portray that they stand solid in life with both feet firmly on the ground
• You can tell by the way they walk, speak and by their facial expressions
• I am not saying they have their life together
• I am merely saying – these people know how to walk into a room full of strangers with their full confident self
• They are open, approachable, genuine – who would not want to meet a person like that?
• Often it is visibile to others when you carry a load
• You may not seem approachable
• And I don’t mean happy-go-lucky all the time
• I mean open and confident
• You see, I have found, the more I heal my inner wounds the healthier my outside becomes
• Isn’t that funny?
• I spent so many years polishing my outside thinking that this will make the difference
• And yes, I still take care of my appearance
• But I realized that this is not what matters most
• It’s the entire being, shining from the inside first, with the outside putting a nice touch on it
• When I walk into the coffee shop before an important meeting, after my morning meditation, I am happy, pumped to start the day, yet I exhibit a sense of calm and confidence – that the time I always have a nice exchange with someone, whether a smile, or few nice words with my barista, or I get a few looks from people that never look up otherwise
• It feels good.
• I want to end this episode with a list of ….
• Call them character strengths, skills, traits,
• I believe that every human being should ponder the meaning of these traits and make a sincere effort to learn to live them
• If I ever get asked for advise on what to change in a high school curriculum – this would be it:
• Classes on life skills that every human being needs
• I am sharing them today because we spoke about relationships.
• It took me a long time to learn that the kind of car my future partner drives DOES NOT MATTER
• Here is what matters – for your partners, your friends, your children and most of all – for you
• You are the one listening right now – and you are in charge of your life
• focus on your growth as a human being first and foremost
• here we go
• I am sure there are many more – but I narrowed this to the ones that I believe are non-negotiable

1. Respect

• for yourself as an individual – including your body and your soul
  • meaning no destructive and harmful behaviors
  • meaning healthy boundaries for when your environment invades your space
• for others
  • their culture, beliefs, individuality,
• respect for others means being open, and allowing room for the others to express themselves, valuing the welfare of others
• respect for yourself means to walk away when the other person fails to respect you
• Integrity falls under respect
• Keeping your word
• To work on your respect – reflect on this question:
• How do I treat myself and how do I treat other people?

2. Emotional stability & wisdom

• You can call it also emotional intelligence
• To me this is my favorite and the hardest one at the same time
• It means you have taken care of your inner wounds
• If you have experienced trauma, pain, hurt, – you take responsibility and heal yourself first before asking others to take responsibility for you
• It also means being able to deal with life’s challenges in a reasonable and balanced way
  • Emotionally unstable people get thrown out of balance by small bumps in the road and it takes them forever to get back to normal
  • We all fall off the wagon from time to time
  • We yell at the car that cut us off,
  • We are a little jealous or upset
• This is not about having no emotions
• Its about managing them
• This podcast focuses on helping you build that strong inner core that sustains you through the waves of life
• It also means self-discipline – the ability to control yourself, or reign yourself back in should you fall.
• It also means you are independent – not dependent on anyone or anything
• Stable and balanced
• The lack of emotional intelligence is often the leading factor that relationships and friendships falter
• To work on your emotional stability –ask yourself this question:
• How do I manage the minor and the major upheavals in life?

3. Conscientiousness

• Here are some adjectives that describe Conscientiousness
• Think of those in regards to your approach to your own life and in your relationships with others:
  • Dependable, careful, observant, deliberate, organized, thoughtful, empathetic, reliable, dependable, results-oriented, efficient, orderly,
• When you go over to your friends house for dinner – do you help clean up the dishes?
• Good manners fall under this. But its more than than just being polite – it means thinking about how your actions and behaviors affect those around you
• To work on your Conscientiousness  – always ask yourself this question:
• What approach do I take with the tasks and responsibilities that I have?

4. Growth Focus

• A person with growth focus understand that the world is not fixed, that character is changeable, and that the future is on him or her
• this means some of the following:
  • desire to learn new skills,
  • open to explore something new
  • willing to change, compromise, modify, give in,
  • helping others to be successful
  • understanding the impact of decision on self and others
  • taking responsibility for those decisions
  • drive to invest into self and others
  • present-minded but future- focused
• a person with growth focus is resourceful and creative when it comes to making a living and planning for future growth
• To work on your growth focus –ask yourself this question:
• How do I set myself and the people I am responsible for up for future success?

5. Authenticity

• Know thyself
• Genuine self-esteem
• Be the person you truly are and value your true self and your authentic needs
• Have a healthy relationship with yourself
• And then –
• have the ability to support the people around you as well to be their authentic self
• This means that there is a balance between compromising and being true to your own needs
• Women especially tend to give too much in a relationship, losing their authentic self along the way
• While this sounds like the most oblivious skill – the one we think we have mastered, we often don’t realize how weak we are until we fall in love and now there are competing demands on our person
• The question then becomes – how will you maintain a healthy balance
• To master authenticity can take time and requires Learning how to communicate challenging matters in a delicate and compassionate manner
• It means letting go of the burden of fear and anxiety about what others may think of us and begin to honor our own authenticity.
• It’s the highest level of maturity in my opinion
• To learn how to be authentic – regularly ask yourself this question:
• Am I living in harmony with my inner wants and the demands of the outside world?

• So there you go –
• This is a list I put together with the most important traits you should posess and you should look for in the people you sourround yourself with
• There are certainly other that are also important such as intelligence, happiness, trust, communication a –
• But I feel a person that possessed the these 5 traits inherently has most of the others we also consider valuable

So – I am ending here since this is a fairly long episode already.

I will explore the topic of relationships a bit more in future episode

Today your homework is this:

• Make sure you own any room you walk into today! Bring your best self. Display confidence, smile and initiate a conversation.

The beauty of life

Have a great day.