Episode 333 – When we listen 

This episode today comes from my heart which feels really inspired right now 
When I feel this way, the best thing for me to do is write
Writing forces me to bring those feelings out and wrap them into words
Expressing them puts them into context and brings me more clarity
And when I then capture them onto paper – physical or virtual –  then they have the opportunity to grow
Most of the time my inspiration comes like a warm ocean breeze
Surprising but refreshing 
And short lived 
I notice it, savor it, but can’t hold onto it
Writing it down allows me to not only to grasp it, but to play with it, expand on it and maybe turn into action
And this is what I am doing today as I come to you with a full heart from my Toastmasters meeting this morning 
Some of you may know that I joined Toastmasters over a year ago to help me on this journey to finding my voice and bringing it out more effectively
 
The goal in TM is to practice speaking in front of an audience 
Each speech is timed and evaluated –helping you get better every time
But this is only one aspect of Toastmasters 
From the first day I went I immediately noticed that there was something special about this group, that united a variety of humans who got up early every Tuesday to be ready and speak at 7am 
not many people are committed to get up early and pursue their goals
when you find such people – stick with them – 
there are many times I didn’t feel like getting up earlier than normal but knowing that my peers are there motivates me
that’s the power of the right people in your life
they motivate you and push you past yur comfort zone
stay around those people and you will accomplish your goals almost unnoticeably 
new people come and go at TM
some show up sporadically
others come a couple times and never come back
and sometimes long term members drop off
but those that keep coming back again and again are an amazing group of people that I can call my friends now
partially, its their dedication that inspires me
but the other aspect is that I feel a connection with these folks 
when you share your personal stories in front of an audience, bridges are built
I talked about the power of stories in previous episodes and I see it in action at TM every time 
We get to know others in a very private and special way when they share their stories 
we feel connected to them because their struggles are often our own as well
their stories allow us to relate to them in a way that we often don’t get the chance to with others in our life
like our co-workers or random acquaintances  
Especially when they do so repeatedly – as it happens in TM

But today I realized another amazing aspect of being part of my TM tribe 
When the speaker stands up there, there is always this deep silence in the room
I envision it like a bowl that contains everyone and every word that spoken
People listen attentively to the speaker, 
Everyone is focused
There are zero distractions 
Its highly intimate and very special 
 
And I noticed that even more important that speaking – is the act of listening
I joined TM so I can become better at speaking
I scan the calendar for open speaking slots 
I put all my efforts and energy into my speeches 
But I don’t speak that often
There are only 3 slots for each week, and they get booked fast
Most of the time – I am actually listening
I listen to others speakers tell their stories 
I listen to the evaluators assessing the speeches
I listen to all the TM members that have various roles each time and get up and speak
To be a better speaker – I realized, I actually first need to be a better listener 
Listening takes effort
It requires a willingness to be open to the presenter and their information  
And It signals a readiness to learn 
And I believe we can learn from everyone
Even if we learn what NOT to do
I learn something new every time
Often the topics covered by the speakers are interesting and engaging
But I also learn more about each person as they share personal experiences 
Today, one member shared about sexual abuse
Imagine the courage it takes to open up in front of 20 or so people that are not close friends and be so vulnerable 
I consider it a privilege to learn so much about everyone through their speeches 
When do we have this opportunities to get to know others that are not our close friends so intimately?
I learn how to improve my own speeches listening to the evaluations of the other speakers 
And even when I stand up there and speak, I still learn how to listen by looking at my audience
There is one lady in my group who has this beautiful smile on her face when she listens
Its is wonderfully soothing to the nervous speaker on stage to see a comforting face like hers enjoy my information 
She has taught me to listen with purpose. 
it takes effort to be a good listener
it takes even more effort to be an enthusiastic listener which my TM friend demonstrates every week
the expressions on her face
her alert and attentive body posture
and her inviting and curious questions she often poses 
Listening honors the speaker for their ideas and their effort
 
When we listen – We can learn from others 
Their perspectives
Their challenges
Their ideas
The things that motivate them
Listening, and learning then allows us to play with potential changes in our own life 
We heard it from others
We have seen how they did it
And that can inspire us to take action
Listening, in essence is like being taught 
We can take what we heard and build our ideas on top of it
It’s a playground that’s loosely arranged – waiting or us to continue with our ideas 
And we can always go back to the presenter and ask for more information
How did you do it?
What was your greatest lesson form this experience?
How would you recommend others to start?
Listening, when applied, connects 
It is through listening that I found a new community
A group I now belong to
Because listening helps us relate 
We not only learn what matters to them but we can draw parallels to our own life
And that is the foundation for a bridge
 
Bridges are important my friends 
Check out episode ____ where I talked about them
In a world we thrive on beating others up verbally constantly, we need bridges more than ever
Everyone is against everyone and everything 
 
Maybe if we can learn to be quiet again and listen, before we speak 
Like in my TM meeting
Respectful, even enthusiastic with whatever the person on stage has to say
Shaking their hand afterwards and thanking them  – as we do in TM
But we may discover that others are more similar to us than we think
We may learn to relate again, and communicate more effectively 
 
But first, we have to listen 

Much love

Live interaction still matters. Teachers, meetings, presentations, one on one brainstorms–they can lead to real change. The listener has nearly as big a responsibility as the speaker does, though. And yet, Google reports four times as many matches for “how to speak” as “how to listen.” It’s not a passive act, not if you want to do it right.

If listening better leads to better speaking, then it becomes a competitive advantage.

Ask an entrepreneur leaving the office of a great VC like Fred Wilson. She’ll tell you that she gave the best pitch of her career–largely because of the audience. The hardest step in better listening is the first one: do it on purpose. Make the effort to actually be good at it.

Don’t worry so much about taking notes. Notes can be summarized in a memo (or a book) later.

Pay back the person who’s speaking with enthusiasm. Enthusiasm shown by the expression on your face, in your posture, in your questions.

Play back what you hear but in your own words, using your own situation. Don’t ask questions as much as make statements, building on what you just heard but making it your own. Take what you heard and make it the foundation for what you are trying on as your next idea.

If you disagree, wait a few beats, let the thought finish, and then explain why. Don’t challenge the speaker, challenge the idea.

The best way to honor someone who has said something smart and useful is to say something back that is smart and useful. The other way to honor them is to go do something with what you learned.

Good listeners get what they deserve–better speakers.