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Episode 404 – Say less than necessary

• Welcome back my friends
• I want to start out with a quote from Leonardo da Vinci

“Oysters open completely when the moon is full; and when the crab sees one it throws a piece of stone or seaweed into it and the oyster cannot close again so it serves the crab for meat. Such is the fate of him who opens his mouth too much and thereby puts himself at the mercy of his listener.”

— Leonardo da Vinci

• I took this quote from a book I am currently reading called the 48 laws of power by Robert Greene
• A fascinating book and I may review it for you when I am done
• I am not yet sure because there is so much content just in each law alone that makes it really hard to review in its entirety
• I may just do what I am doing today – review a few of the laws he covers specifically with you
• Those that stand out to me the most
• So far I have read through the first 10 laws
• The way this book is written can seem appalling at first
• It appears to be a manual for a future dictator or a ruthless business shark
• The reader may wonder – why do I need power?
• Over whom?
• I admire Greene not only for his astute understanding of the human mind, but also for his courage to be so brutally honest
• People will find themselves in this book –
• They will see their tactics exposed and they will learn how to be even more effective
• It’s a business book like none you have ever read
• It doesn’t dance around with fancy leadership advice – it gets to the heart of the matter
• If you want to be a successful leader – here is what you need
• For me – the 48 Laws of power it’s a manual on character strength
• It fills in holes for me
• Areas of my being where I am weak and where I don’t have any boundaries
• Areas of my individuality I may have neglected because I didn’t pay attention or didn’t deem them important
• I don’t want to be a manipulator
• But I want to detect it when I see one
• The book does both
• It raises awareness of cruel manipulation strategies
• But it also offers guidance how to use simple strategies that make us more effective in our roles

• Its recommendation that everyone who wants to read it to approach this amazing book as a tool to gain insight into our human psyche and help us to become more disciplined with managing our character
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• Yesterday I shared something more personal with you
  • A lesson I learned on how far kindness can go
  • And that the selfless approach, even in high need situations often gives us exactly what we want
• At the same time – I came across the very same lesson in this book
• law #4 – Always say less than necessary, and
• law # 9 – Win through your actions, never through argument
• both are closely connected
• and I have been working on these two very difficult areas for most of my life
• I have the tendency to say to much
  • When there is silence, I fill it with words
  • When there is conflict, I try to resolve it by talking
  • When my feelings are strong, I blabber them out
• I always struggled with letting things go
• If I had a way to put words around it and I usually always do, I talk
• But this is not always the wisest strategy
• As Greene says in the introduction to the law
• “The more you say, the more likely you are to say something foolish.”
• Isn’t this so true?
• The more we try to explain, the more we have to explain ourselves and in the end we say things we regret
• And this often exposes us
• It shows that we don’t have a good handle on the situation
• A person who makes a powerful statement that contains the essentials and then has the ability to be quiet afterwards will be regarded with much more respect than someone who just blabbers
• I am sure you have run into situations like these before
• My example form yesterday applies
• I didn’t give the person on the phone a chance to speak
• I just talked out all my frustration which demonstrated my weakness to handle them properly
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• Greene displays his laws mostly by giving example from the rulers and the wars of the past
• They are quite entertaining, I have to say
• Most leaderships use sports examples to support their theories, something I never enjoyed and find quite boring
• I love this quote from this chapter of the book:

“The human tongue is a beast that few can master. It strains constantly to break out of its cage, and if it is not tamed, it will run wild and cause you grief. Power cannot accrue to those who squander their treasure of words.”

• seeking power doesn’t have to be our objective to understand this basic principle
• when we talk to much – we are the mercy of the listener, just like in da Vincis quote
• words can’t be taken back, but silence can always be filled – with the right words
• once word are spoken, we have given control on what to do with the to someone else
• they are not ours anymore
• How often have you had people come to you and repeat something you said – sometimes years ago?
• Something that affected them in a negative way?
• Happens – doesn’t it?
• And the more we talk, the higher the likelihood that it will occur
• This doesn’t mean we need to be quiet
• Rather – it means to speak with purpose
• To think our words through before we just give them away
  • And to use them carefully
• Just because it sounds rational and clear to us, doesn’t mean its understood the same way by the receiver of our words
• How much trouble have your words caused?
• I know mine have created unnecessary havoc
• Here is my advice on how to use this law for your every day life:
• Allow yourself to be discovered
• Instead of talking your way into friendships and relationships, show others who you are
• Don’t reveal everything about yourself by sharing every little detail about your life
• I am always amazed by people who can just sit with a stranger and share their entire life journey in one session
• This takes away the mystery about who you are
• Instead of sharing all your life facts, rather focus on your beliefs
• I recently had a wonderful conversation with a person in my speaking workshop
• We talked for hours and I still don’t know the basics about his life
• But I learned about his beliefs
• Our conversations sparked ideas for me
• It inspired me to be a better human being
• It was a wonderful interplay of sharing what we are passionate about and how it makes our lifes better
• And we walked away with veneration for one another but also curiosity to learn more
• As Greene observes, as humans we want to know what others think
• We interpret and we speculate
• When we share everything about us that there is to say, then we become uninteresting
• Keep that in mind in your next interaction
• When I am asked something, I am always careful – I share a little bit, and then I usually ask the other person something
• If they want to know more – they will dig for more
• But don’t give it all away right away
• Use actions instead of words
• This takes us into Law #9 but again, both are connected
• When we speak less, we have more time to act
• And that is what we should be doing
• As Greene says
• “Demonstrate, do not explicate”
• Its simple
• Follow through on your words
• Do your work
• Just get it done
• For most of the things we have to do, explanations are not needed
• Greene has a great example in the book of an engineer that didn’t follow through on orders received from a king
• He knew the king really needed something different than what he ordered, but instead of following through, he argued and lost is life over it
• We get so emotionally wrapped up sometimes in stuff that really doesn’t matter
• In my early professional career, I took everything so seriously
• When someone disagreed or implemented a different plan, I lost valuable energy and time over the issue
• Over the years I have learned to let it go
• I do my job
• I give my best effort
• But if someone doesn’t want to accept my recommendation then that’s ok
• I keep doing my job
• Because I know – my actions are noticed
• If my idea are not implemented, its probably not going to help arguing over them
• It means I have to do a better job demonstrating my value
• And the only way to do this is through actions
• As Greene shows us in the book:
• “Such is the double power of winning through actions rather than argument. No one is offended and your point is proven.”
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• The same applies to relationships
• We have to do our job as a good partner
• But sometimes we struggle when our daily actions aren’t verbally recognized
• We want confirmation that we are doing a good job
• But why?
• The recognition and validation must come from within ourselves
• That’s why we are in that relationship – because it fulfills us and enriches our lifes
• Words don’t do that – actions do
• I have learned that when I give my best in my interactions with others, the rewards don’t necessarily come as compliments and kind words
• They come in other, more subtler ways
• And quite often – they come in the form of actions
• just as we are using actions to speak about who we are, others do the same
• as the saying goes that we all know – actions speak a thousand words
• to me its more important to see how someone feels about me than to hear it
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• my climbing partner is a good example
• he will never utter a compliment – that’s just not him
• and I sometimes really wish I would get one, especially after a long exhausting day of climbing
• I want hear I did good – or I am getting better
• But I learned to find this feedback in other ways
• When he continues to ask me on climbing trips and teaches me – then I know – I must not be doing so badly and he enjoys my company
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• I believe words make us lazy
• We say them and we think because its all said that we are done
• But words are constantly misunderstood and we will never really know about most of these misunderstandings
• The interpretation of our words is uncertain and I am sure some of your words have come back to haunt you – as we often like to say
• As Greene says:
• “Even the best argument has no solid foundation, for we have all come to distrust the slipper nature of words.”
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• Actions, however, are clear
• They are often a lasting evidence while words are fleeting
• But to see them requires more effort
• Especially when we get used to them
• Yet its in that discovery of these actions that we may find the affirmation and validation we are seeking
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• The truth is generally seen, rarely heard.
• Baltasar Gracian
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• Maybe you will join me in taking some of the advice these 2 very critical laws offer
• Lets strive towards making our words more meaningful and spoken with purpose, not just out of the blue
• And lets make sure they are always supported by matching actions

Much love