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Episode 412 – The emotional states of others

• I have a confession to make:
• I can get pretty emotional
• And some of you may already know this based on a few examples I have shared in past episodes
• When things that matter a lot to me don’t go the way I hoped, I throw a tantrum
• I allow my emotions to take over
• Recently I had trouble with wordpress – the software that hosts my website
• Its still a bit of an issue but one evening, right before my trip to my speaking workshop, I was under intense time pressure and WP was giving me lots of problems
• I was so frustrated
• And when I don’t understand the technicalities and don’t have the power to fix the situation, things are usually worse
• I feel out of control and helpless, which only aggravates my negative emotions because I want to do something about it
• So I sent a pretty emotional email to the person who helps me with my website which of course, later I regretted
• I sent it in the heat of the moment – right then and there when my page didn’t load
• Knowing quite well he was out of town and would not respond the next minute
• So I might as well have waited until the dust settles and my email could have been less emotional
• But – the damage was done and I realized once again –
• At times my emotions control me instead of the other way around
• Coincidentally, as I am still reading Robert Greene’s 48 laws of power, from which I reviewed Law #4 and #9 with you in Episode 404
• I stumbled across law #10 –
• Yes – I am a slow reader these days
• Most of my reading now only happens on airplanes – sadly
• Law number 10 is titled Avoid the unhappy and unlucky
• And it first it may sound a little off-putting – like most of the laws I have read so far
• But as I started diving into it, I realized the truth that lies hidden in it for me
• I have by now read 15 of the 48 laws of power and the common thread through all of them is control
  • A solid control of ones feelings, thoughts and actions
• And maybe this book resonates so much with me because this is one of my major weak points
• In high-stress situations, I hand my control over more than I want to and it usually ends badly
• It makes me an ineffective friend, leader, boss, peer and whatever role I play in at the moment
• And being emotional usually interferes with what I want to accomplish
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• But I am not as unstable with my emotions as I used to be
• Believe it or not, insignificant things like weather or traffic used to throw me off course
• It took me some time to understand that outside circumstances should not control our lives – we should
• But on the other hand –
• We all have weak moments
• We all have hopes and expectations that, when they don’t come through, throw us off course temporarily
• We all, at times, show part of ourselves we are not proud of
• Some of us fall apart easily
  • When we are under pressure, we shut down, or we cry and give up easily
• Others – like me – get angry or frustrated when things don’t work out as expected
• We are not the people that Greene refers to in this law
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• Instead he talks about people that have, in his words “an inward instability that radiates outward, drawing disaster upon itself”
• He is also not talking about those people that live in unfortunate circumstances beyond their control
• He is referring to people that draw misfortune into their life by their destructive actions
• We all can probably have encountered a person like that at some point in our lives
  • They always somehow seem to struggle
  • No matter how hard they try
  • And they try
  • They have ideas, they are creative, they are often the sweetest people
  • But they just somehow cant get it together
  • Bad luck follows them, but not because they have been singled out somehow
  • Looking closer, its often obvious that their choices are what led them to their misfortune
  • And when we are close to these people, it can become easy to get sucked in
  • They are often quite needy – they need our time, our attention, our help because alone they are lost
  • Their instability needs our stability to keep going
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• I had a friend once, long time ago, in college
• She was a great person
• Warm at heart, generous with me
• She took interest in me during college and with her openness we quickly became friends’
• But her life style couldn’t have been more different from mine
• She took classes and that is how we met, but she had an active social life
• Hanging out with her meant hours lingering in bars, restaurants, on porches smoking and drinking,
• we had great conversations and connected well

• She was a fresh wind in my otherwise boring life that centered around working and studying
• I didn’t allow myself much party life – my grades were more important to me
• Spending time with her was a nice distraction but it was also a dangerous one
• I couldn’t afford to hang out in bars until late at night when I had class the next day or a test to prepare for
• She also always had some form of drama in her life – guys, money issues, or some other misfortune
• And had I not been as strict as I was with my focus on school, I likely would have been pulled into it
• We were always good friends, but I always also kept a distance
• Because hanging out with her meant I woke up the next day hungover, not working out, not doing what I had planned for that day
• Over the years, we would loose touch for several years and then reconnect again
• Her life had not changed much and the same situations would repeat themselves
• We connect, we hang out, and I end up participating in activities that I didn’t want to participate in
• I am not blaming her – that is her life
• The person to blame is myself for not managing myself better
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• Greene calls them infectors
• An aggressive term for my former friend
• Maybe also off-putting to you as you are thinking of someone in your life
• But I did mention in episode …. That I don’t take Greene’s chapters word for word
• I take what is useful
• And the point I see him trying to make is this:
• There are people in our lives that can pull us down and into their drama
• And because of that we never accomplish our goals
• Maybe because they have a different life style than the one we want to have
  • Like my friend
• You want to decline their invitations to happy hour, expensive restaurants and loud parties, but you can’t get yourself to do it
• You want to ignore their late night calls and texts, but you feel guilty if you do
• You make excuses where you can, but sometimes you just cant
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• Greene says
• “Infectors can be recognized by the misfortune they draw on themselves, their turbulent past, their long line of broken relationships, their unstable careers, and the very force of their character, which sweeps you up and makes you loose your reason.”

• His caution: “the people you associate with are critical.”
• And he is correct
• These may be good people – but they may not be good for us
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• Take a good look at your time and how you spend it
• This doesn’t mean to be selfish and only think of you
• But would you rather give your time and your resources to someone who actually uses it in a good way and doesn’t keep coming back for the same thing over and over again?
• There are the truly misfortunate people in the world that would benefit more from just a small portion of what we give to the friends in our life that don’t even appreciate it
  • The time you spend in places you don’t want to be
  • Doing things you don’t really enjoy
  • Giving resources that you could use in better ways
• Its wasted on the wrong people
• Sometimes these may be long-term friends, back from kindergarten even
• But sometimes we outgrow these friends
• We have goals and aspirations while they don’t
• And its not selfish to pursue our goals
• Because if these friends only take, and never give by supporting us, by showing up to the events that matter to use, then it may be time to create some distance
• Quote from the book:
• How can you protect yourself against such insidious viruses? The answer lies in judging people on the effects they have on the world and not the reasons they give for their problems.
• I love this because in it lies the answer for who we should have in our life:
• People that inspire us and others
• People that set an example with their actions and their words
• People that challenge us and push us forward
• Greene recommends to look for the opposite – for people that have what we still need
• And I have to say – I gravitate towards emotionally stable people
• I admire the control they have over their actions
• Their thoughtfulness and how deliberate they are with everything they do
• How nothing seems to derail them
• I also gravitate towards kind people because I want to be like them
• Seek in others the skills and attributes that you wish to have
• I know people that are drawn to me because of my energy and passion
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• And maybe these new people are not the young and famous ones that are popular
• Maybe that are less hip, maybe they are even outsiders
• But every minute we spend with them we are uplifted, energized, and filled with ideas and challenges
• I have met people like this in the last year because I am finally open to them
• I notice their gifts
• I see the skills they possess that I still lack
• And I want to learn from them
• It doesn’t matter what they look like, or that I don’t know them
• What matters is that in their company I become a better me
• My time with them is well spent
• Its rewarding, and enriching
• This is how I want to spend my time
• These days I am very stingy with my time, simply because I don’t have much available to me
• So I am very sensitive to people that just want to take my time and my energy away
• And I encourage you to do the same my friends
• Be cautious of the emotional states of others
• If they are consistently instable – pulling you away from your goals and into a direction you don’t want to go – you may need to make a decision
• And it may not be easy
• But its for the best