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Episode 416 – Learning to play your roles well

• Welcome to all my listeners
• Why can’t I just be myself?
• That was a question we asked last week and I attempted to answer it
• I have tried it all my life – by rebelling against the norm and the expectations from others and trying to force my of being on them
• But I finally realized – being myself is not the opposite of conformity
• Rather – it’s a process that is continually evolving
• I am becoming myself every day through the experiences and the interactions that I have
• And the expectations from others don’t work against that process – but with it
• Because they challenge me to become a better Self
• My current self is good, because I have been working on becoming better
• But I have tons of work to do still
• In a recent interaction with a friend that went totally sideways, unfortunately because it was over text, the frustration started because of something I said
• In the past I would justify my answer, and try to explain it
• But in the end its not about being right
• The other person felt hurt and I validated their feeling
• I am sorry you are seeing it this way and I apologize
• I left it at that
• Did this person over-react? Yes
• Could they have handled the situation better by asking clarification on my message?
• Sure
• But I can’ control what anyone does
• I can only control what I do and I can try to be my best self, even if my inner self, the one that’s impulsive and reactionary, wants to defend itself
• I try to keep the person in mind, their feelings and the relationship overall
• And I make adjustments
• Next time I will be more careful in what I say
• Maybe, if this happens repeatedly, and we cannot communicate well, I don’t continue the friendship
• I can make any decision I need, but I don’t have to show my emotions
• Which I often do, if I allow myself just to be myself
• The text message that set of the miscommunication was me – being myself
  • Not being careful with my words
  • Not being considerate and seeing the other person
• It couldn’t be taken back
• The only thing left to do was to apologize
•  
• Our true self needs work
• We have strengths and weaknesses
• We have characteristics others love about us and then we have some others struggle with
• People want us to be authentic
• That makes us endearing, it helps us stand out from the crowd
• But they don’t want our issues
• And we don’t want theirs either
• So we play roles in every day life
• Not to conform ourselves to the norm and standards
• But to be effective and successful
• If everyone behaved like themselves, I would be worried about all my direct and indirect interactions with others
  • Including getting on a plane
  • Driving on the road
  • Working for a company
  • Getting my hair done
  • And so forth
• And if I acted like however I feel, then I probably couldn’t hold my job for very long
• Seth Godin has written a wonderful post on the topic of authenticity a couple of years back that really brings it home for me:
• Defining authenticity
• For me, it’s not “do what you feel like doing,” because that’s unlikely to be useful.
• You might feel like hanging out on the beach, telling off your boss or generally making nothing much of value. Authenticity as an impulse is hardly something to aspire to.
• It’s not, “say whatever is on your mind,” either.
• Instead, I define it as, “consistent emotional labor.”
• We call a brand or a person authentic when they’re consistent, when they act the same way whether or not someone is looking. Someone is authentic when their actions are in alignment with what they promise.
• Showing up as a pro.
• Keeping promises.
• Even when you don’t feel like it.
• Especially when you don’t.

• This phrase – consistent emotional labor is great
• It’s the inner work I referred to in my previous episodes that challenges me to become a better Janine
• We talked about it when we spoke about emotional intelligence as well a few episodes ago
• Self awareness and self management are critical skills that we all will work on mastering for the rest of our lives
• Today I want to give you a few bullets that I have come to appreciate as critical in this process of consistent emotional labor
• Maybe you will snub at them and dismiss them as inauthentic
• But I encourage you to find the value in these behaviors
  • To see how they might feel fake only at first
  • But to allow them to help you grow

1. nonverbal communication

• this is especially important for people that are very expressive
• I am one of these people
• A blank stare is hard for me
• I will usually always communicate something, even if I don’t open my mouth
• My face, my body posture or my gestures usually say something about how I feel
• What we don’t realize is that people listen to non-verbal commutation just as much
• Especially when we don’t speak
• In my public speaking program, I learned that as soon as we are visible, whether that’s on stage or in a room filled with people, we are visible
• And people look at us and take cues from everything they can get
• While we can usually mince our words and say the right thing when needed, the nonverbal cues we send may tell a different story
• So its important that we need to learn how to manage them more consciously
• Keep in mind, despite the many cultural differences when it comes to communication, the facial expressions for happiness, sadness, anger, and fear are similar throughout the world
• My suggestion is this:
• Use the doorway drill
• I have spoken about it before
• Prior to entering any room or space with people – pause and become present
• Check your body language and ask yourself – what do I want to communicate when I enter? – before I open my mouth
• This may vary depending on where you are
• You may enter a bar differently than an important meeting at work
• I have even used this at home or when visiting friends
• Sometimes we have tough days and bring that baggage with us wherever we go
• A quick self-check helps us become centered and help us fine-tune how we are going to approach them
• We do it when we are nervous
• We take a deep breath before something important awaits us
• But we miss it when we feel confident
  • Like we often do when we are about to see people we know very well
• But we are on stage all the time, even when we think we are not
• Even the people that we are comfortable with have expectations from us that a quick self check will bring to the surface
• Ask yourself – how do I want to be seen?
• This is important when you are new somewhere or you don’t feel well
• Another suggestion is
• Practice your likeable behaviors
• Long time ago I share with you how I learned to smile more
• Yet – it still doesn’t occur to me all the time
• My face can look more serious than I feel so the smile is the best way for me to appear likeable and friendly
• People comment constantly on my face when its to serious
• I may just be in thoughts, but its not perceived well
• This was one of the things I always rebelled against – especially since coming to the US
• Why do I have to force a smile?
• Because it gets the job done
• It puts not only the people around me at ease, but it also helps me be less tense
• I have found that there is always a positive consequence to every behavior, even the once that cost us some effort
• It makes us feel better
• So practice those things that you need to work on
  • Maybe for you it’s a posture that communicates confidence
  • Maybe a facial expression that shows you are curious
  • Maybe it’s a way you hold your arms that shows you are open
• be aware of your nonverbal style so you can consciously alter certain aspects when the time calls for it
• friends can give us great feedback on some of ticks we have that we may not even be aware of

2. Practice emotional responses

• This sounds strange I know,
• But over my lifetime of failures I have come to realize the importance of repertoire of responses for critical moments
• I don’t have these written down somewhere and they don’t occur to me all the time but the more I use them, the better I become
• I know this sounds like acting – but its really just about politeness and control
• For example – when someone gives a compliment – say thank you
• There is no if or but, just say thank you
• When someone invites you to something – and I learned this the hard way last week – say thank you
• Don’t let them know you are still thinking about it by asking questions
• Have a standard response in the back of your mind all the difficult moments in life
• And you know them because they repeat themselves
• And they are different for everyone based on what you do daily
• For example – I manage a warehouse so I constantly get complaints about the warehouse not doing this or that
• My standard response is this:
  • Let me look into it
• Its easy to fire back with some excuse or explanation and I have done it a million times
• But quite often I really need to do some research first, even when I feel confident I know what happened
• If you get angry easily – find a standard behavior, a sentence or a gesture that you can pull out of your hat and that helps you to control yourself
• if you are always emoting whatever comes to you in the moment, it will signal that you are a victim to your emotions
• learn to control yourself
• if you get snippy quickly with waiters, clerks, attendants – work on go-to behavior that helps you be more friendly
• sooner than later you will notice, the contrived response will become your natural response
• it may have started as fake, but as you notice that it helps keep emotions in check, it becomes your natural reaction
• my earlier example with the friend who was frustrated and my response “I am sorry you feel this way” is such a standard response that helps me form getting defensive and it validates the feelings of the other person
• And by saying it, it actually really helps me have more empathy for the other person
• I see their feelings and what they might be going through much better
• Lastly

3. Project good qualities at all times

• Whether you master them or not
• Whether you feel them or not
• Fake them if necessary
• But project your best self as often as you can
• Start thinking about the things you value in other people
• I think there are some common characteristics we all appreciate:
  • Kindness
  • Sincerity
  • Honesty
  • Friendliness
  • receptivity to ideas and feedback
  • curiosity
  • interest
  • generosity
• think about what makes you feel good
• and then practice projecting these qualities
• for example – being generous used to be hard for me
• i had to force myself to become generous
• how did I do it?
• When there is a potluck – I sign up to bring something or give money
• When I eat out, I offer to pay
• I tip well
• I give people money when they help me out
• I have taken the thinking and the guessing about whether I should or should not, and how much is good out completely and I just give
  • And I try to make it generous
• My authentic self is not generous
• I don’t know why – maybe because I wasn’t raised that way – I don’t know
• But I learned early on that nobody wants to deal with a person that constantly worries about money
• I probably still have it within me – but I have put behaviors in place that appear to make me generous
• And this makes me a better person overall
• What do people around you value?
• Keep others in mind as you think about these qualities
• If you are always the smartest person in the room – maybe practice humility and curiosity
• If you are always the one stepping up to help, practice honesty and learn to speak up and delegate
• If you tend to be more serious and introverted, like me, then lets practice friendliness and kindness
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• I know this is hard stuff that may take years to learn
• But start by focusing one or two 2 areas
• You know mine – I have shared them with you
• Acting or faking it not only helps us be more effective in our relationships with others, it also protects us
• It gives a sense of control, even if we don’t feel like we have any
• Being in control, even if just from the outside, guards us when others dump their emotions and behaviors on us
• When someone cuts me off in traffic – I have a standard response – I slow down
• I do the opposite of what I used to do, and of what I still want to do
• I have trained myself so I can protect myself
• And as a result, I have become a safer river
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• We can do that in many areas of our life
• We can become our best self by forcing a behavior that doesn’t come natural to us, learning it, perfecting it and eventually – mastering it

Much love