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Episode 425 – Learning when to say No

• Welcome back QFY friends
• I think I have never been as busy in my life as I am this year
• And let me clarify what I mean with busy because we talked last week about productivity
• When I say busy I don’t mean necessarily productive, but I do mean that my time is filled to the brim
• I consider my spent time to fall into 3 categories
  • activities that are necessary, like work, personal hygiene and sleep
    • driving is also a big part of my time and necessary
  • pursuits I choose to do because they are important to me
• the latter of the 2 is what we talked about in our productivity episode # 423
• in my life these are things like my podcast, my gym time, mountain climbing, volunteering and more
• I have very little down time in my schedule – the third category of time
• Those would be activities I could tap into if I needed more time for one of my other 2 categories as it is time I basically just waste not doing anything that adds value
• I have unplanned time in my schedule and you could argue that that would be a 4^th category of time – but I think we always do something with that unplanned time
• We either spend in something we have to do, want to do, or something irrelevant
• Browsing on SM for me is down time
• I may get something productive out of that down time
  • For example when I watch a workout video on IG which I save and then incorporate into my WO at a later point
• But ultimately – down time I time for me is idle time
• When I look back at that time and how I spent it – and I see that I didn’t do anything of importance with that time – it was idle time
• This is not necessarily a negative thing
• Its is just a good idea to know where your time goes
• So when you evaluate taking on a New project, starting a business or a family, or make any type of commitment – you can better gauge whether you have time available for it
• So lets get to our topic of saying no
• I hear a lot of podcasts and online articles talk about how to say no
• They all tell me the importance of saying no
• But I don’t need convincing
• I know how important it is to say no
• I say no every single day
  • I say no to my book on the night stand every night because I am to tired to read
  • I say no every weekend when I don’t reach out to friends that I know are only waiting on me to make time to get together
  • I say no to little nagging things that need to get done at some point – car wash, eye brow wax, dentist, and so on
• I don’t have a problem saying no because I have things on my plate that are so important to me that those other things simply have to wait
• I don’t need to be convinced that I need to cut down my TV time
  • I don’t even watch TV
  • I don’t even know how to work my remote anymore
• I hardly use SM – I browse IG when I am in the bathroom or the 5 minutes in bed before falling asleep
• I use 3 different calendars and I check them all before committing to anything
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• If you want be more productive and get stuff done
• If you want more time in your day to go after the things that matter to you
• Then you need to say NO more often
• Because we all have the same 24 hours in a day
• And while you may not be as busy and as overloaded as me – we all have more on our plate than we can handle
• And the things that usually get pushed to the back of the line are quite often the most important ones
  • Not the most pressing ones
    • Because lets face it – if our boss needs us to stay later at work – we stay
  • Also not the most mundane ones
    • Because we all rather clean the house, or the car or run to the store instead of finally sitting down and drawing up a business plan for our project we have been dreaming up for months
  • The projects that are most important to our happiness and self-fulfillment are often the ones that get pushed out
  • And I believe that its not because we don’t know how to say No
  • Its because we don’t know WHEN to say know
    • We know exactly when we are saying yes to things that we know we don’t want to do whole-heartedly
    • We feel it on the inside when we just don’t really want to do this thing
    • But often we yes because we are confused about our time
  • And the question of WHEN is a question of time
  • We have to be aware how we spend our time
  • Every time we say yes to something – we say No to something else
    • Unless you really have a of of idle time
    • In that case – please call me because I could use some help
  • I am very clear about my time and every time I plan something new, I mentally go thru my list of priorities
  • So here is the only lesson you need to know about HOW to say no
    • Every time you get a request, an invite, an opportunity – ask for time to think about
    • Either tell the person inviting you or tell yourself when you are in the middle of planning that trip to Mexico because you need to use up vacation
    • – I need to think about it
    • Take your time before you jump into any commitment
    • That’s how you say no
  • The rest is a question over WHEN to actually say No
  • Here is the thing about saying no –
  • We don’t like it
    • Its uncomfortable
    • Whether it’s a person a group of people or that book on my nightstand that I say no to – its always uncomfortable
    • It comes with feelings of guilt and doubt about my abilities to manage my time
    • That inner little SHOULD voice comes on and I don’t like it
    • And every time I say no – I question my priorities
  • Which brings me to the most important point about this topic:
  • I believe we don’t need to say no as often when we are very clear on our priorities

This is a perfect place to insert this popular Peter Drucker quote,

“There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.”

• Knowing when to say no is knowing what is important
• This will be different for every person
• TV and movies have zero importance for me
• Start identifying your activities and put them in time buckets
  • Idle time
    • That’s the time spent doing something that’s not important
  • Necessary time
    • Time on tasks and activities that you may not always enjoy but have to do
  • Chosen time
    • Time spent doing what you don’t have to do but want to do
  • Everything you do on a regular basis falls into one of these 3 categories
  • The percentage distribution of your activities in these buckets will depend on your life and nobody but you can define what that looks like
  • But if you are not doing anything with your time that you really want to do, then I would reconsider your activities
  • Because the things we really want to do
    • For me podcasting is one of them
    • For you it may be gardening
  • These things make us happy
  • And that’s why we are here and alive – to be happy
  • And the more I do of those things, the more I am actually inclined to say yes to something that’s necessary
  • For example – I leave work pretty strictly on time
  • I hardly ever stay late because I have my evening planned out
  • So if a meeting goes over or my boss needs me there longer- I don’t have a problem making that time
  • I already have a lot of my time allocated to ME and what is important to me
  • The problem I have is that so many things are important and I cannot do them all
  • That’s where NO comes in
  • So here is a formula that works for me most of the time
  • This is not all inclusive
  • there will be times this wont work – you have to always weigh this against your particular circumstances
  • I have 2 criteria that I use almost exclusively that decide whether I will say YES or NO to something
  • The first one I call
  • Consequences
    • If I am facing a deadline or some form of adverse circumstances – I will say no
    • Even if someone offers me something really tempting
    • When its Sunday and I have not yet finished my podcast preparation and someone invites me out I will say no
    • Deadlines and appointments drive a lot of our decisions
    • However, there are exceptions
    • Sometimes deadlines and appointments can be moved or extended
    • I have moved meetings or changed appointments when the flexibility was there
    • But I do it rarely
    • Even if its just an eye brow appointment which you might think is no big deal –
    • However, every time we ask for a change, we inconvenience other people and their plans
    • And I don’t want to be known by the staff at the spa as someone who is unreliable
    • To my earlier point – before I book the next appointment – I make sure it fits into my overall plans for that day
    • That’s why its so important to first think through your plans before committing
    • The second category that decides almost everything in my life is called
  • Growth
    • All my choosen time is considered growth because I work on projects that help me become a better person
    • But growth can also be more loosely defined
    • For example – I will hardly ever just go out for drinks
    • I don’t drink much and to me sitting around in a bar is idle time
    • But – if I really want to spend time with an important person and the only option for our meeting is a bar – of course I will go
    • The bar is not driving the decision – but how I will spend the time
    • Growth
    • If the time I am asked to spend is not helping me learn something new, or challenge me in any way, then I will say no
    • Again – there are exceptions
    • If my best friend needs help with something – moving, prepping for a party, giving her a ride – of course I will help
    • Helping falls under growth for me because I rarely get asked to help and I need to do more of it
    • If you are someone who always helps out others, your criteria should be stricter
    • Are you helping because you feel guilty?
    • Only help if you are growing from the experiences
    • For example – giving money once in a while to someone who needs it is growth
    • It helps us to become more generous
    • Giving money all the time to the same person who just squanders it is a waste
    • I suggest you think about this growth category carefully
    • Watching a Netflix show with a friend may be growth for you because you are part of a movie meetup group where that show might be discussed so you need to bring some input
    • Also
    • There is some flexibility here
    • Driving for example is idle time
    • But – I can turn idle time into growth time by listening to an audio book or a podcast
      • I can also rehearse my speech or I can call my mom in Germany
    • Sometimes I will commit to something even when there is some idle time involved but I will prepare for it by using that time for something valuable
    • I house sit quite a bit
    • While there is always a little bit of time loss involved driving back and forth between my place and theirs, the gain is having a nice house for myself
    • Change in scenery, I have noticed is good for me, it spurs my creativity and I tend to get a lot done
    • So I will always say yes, if I am in town
    • Find what brings you growth
    • What pushes you
    • An invitation to the bar may not, but what about a hike or a cooking class?
    • Be picky with your growth category
    • Not any kind of growth will do for me
    • If its something I am not interested in or know I will not have time for, I don’t need to try to learn it
    • As much as I love photography, and want to freshen up on my skills, at the moment I would not have time to focus on it
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    • The 3r and last category I use rarely but maybe should use more as a criteria
    • And that is
  • Fun and Adventure
    • Sometimes we just need to have fun and chill
    • This is very hard for me to do, but I know even I need to do it more often
    • Just earlier I was thinking – I could use a beach day
    • The weather has turned to summer here in California and I can hear the beach calling my name
    • I have actually thought about a beach day
      • Not a climbing day
      • Not a writing day
      • Not anything but driving to the beach with a book
    • I don’t know if or when I can make it happen – but I realize the importance of recharge days
    • Idle time can be recharging time
    • And some people need more than others
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  • Every day we juggle many responsibilities
  • They all involve saying yes and saying no
  • Start by analyzing how you spend your time
  • Then figure out where you want to spend your time
    • Define your priorities
  • Once you have them, be firm with them and don’t sway back and forth
  • Let them drive your yesses and your no’s
  • Be flexible to a degree
    • My workout schedule for example can be fairly flexible
    • This week something came up for me unexpectedly on a weeknight, when I usually go to the gym
    • I simply went to the gym in the morning and did a quick cardio session and called the evening a rest day
  • The same is true for my weekends
  • I know what I need to get done but I try have some flexibility built in for a coffee date or a short trip
  • Before I commit to anything – I evaluate based on the 3 categories I gave you
  • This weekend is a great example
    • A friend wants to go climbing – which is growth
    • but I have several things I need to get done this weekend and if they don’t get done there are consequences – hence the name of the category
    • so most likely – I will not be able to go climbing because deadlines almost always win
    • unless I find a way to complete everything I need to do prior to climbing
  • schedules can be fluid and you can move things around
  • but I found that the more I move and shift, the more time I spent on that – time I have now lost
  • and the almost always something gets missed in the process
  • the more you stick to your plan – the better
  • if you know you need some Fun time because you are tired or because a friend is coming to visit – build it into your schedule so you can avoid saying no
  • again
  • its all about planning and prioritization
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  • Much love my friends