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Episode 432 – Here is how you make great friends

• My definition of friendship has changed this year
• I have always looked at friendships as something serious, long lasting, with regular contact, where we tell each other everything and always keep up to speed on the latest events
• This year, a major shift has happened for me in how I look at friendships
• My old belief was this:
• To call someone a friend, it required a slow but gradual getting to know each other, followed by spending more time together, sharing personal information, helping each other out in good and in bad times and so forth
• Serious, committed, long term relationships
• But here was the problem with this:
• I hardly have such friends
• The few that meet this criteria I have had for a long time
• But I have not been able to add any new people to this pool for a long time
• And I believe the reason for this is that I have used the wrong criteria for finding friends
• My expectation for meeting a friend was to turn them into a long term friend, a person that would be part of my life for the rest of my life
• We all want such friends, but I don’t think a connection should start with such an expectation
• When I look back – that’s not even how I found my now long-term friends
• I met them randomly and the friendship developed unexpectedly
• But having had such valuable friendships, I wanted all my friends to be that way
• And every time I met new people, I would evaluate whether or not that could be the case
• And if it didn’t look like it would work – I didn’t invest to heavily in developing the new connection
• With this narrow minded attitude, I missed out on a lot of great friendships in my life
• Since I started my QFY project, things changed
• I wanted to make an impact in people’s lifes and my connection with people became less about me and more about them
• And as soon as I dropped my agenda, I met the most amazing people and I have found friendships again – just like before- in the most unexpected ways
• You may not realize what this means to me
• For years I felt very very alone in this country
• I blamed it on everyone but myself
  • I thought it was because of cultural differences
  • Or because I lived in the wrong area
  • Or because I worked in the wrong industry
  • Or because I was to busy with work to meet people
  •  
• It was not that I did anything wrong
• I am an introvert
• Speaking to people, approaching people is hard for me
• But its even harder when you only worry about yourself
• It becomes so much easier when you forget about your own needs and instead focus on the other person
• With QFY – I just wanted to meet people
• And I did
• I dropped any expectation one might have before meeting new people and I just went out to meet them
• And now I have made several very special friends that way
• I repeated this with Toastmasters
  • I immediately connected well with the core team there and then reached out to several people individually that I would now call friends
• The same happened through my speaking program
• And now I am looking back and I realize:
• I have added more friends in the last few months than I have in many years prior
• I figured out the 2 main reasons for this pleasant change in my life
• 1 – I don’t worry about who they are anymore
• And with that I am referring to their looks, their age, their background, their experiences and their interests
• They don’t have to meet a checklist of criteria
• I realized that connection can happen with people that are completely different from us
• And – and even more importantly
• We don’t have to connect on all levels
• Meaning –
• Every friendship doesn’t need to be the one where you talk about everything on your mind and see each other every week
• Who has even time for that?
• Not every friend has to be a friend in all aspects of my life
• My long time friends may have met that criteria long time ago, when we were still in college or in kindergarten together and didn’t have much life outside of being a kid
• Now I have so many activities and interests in my life that is almost impossible to find a friend that is on the exact same track
• Instead – i realized I share different aspects of my life with different people
  • There are friends who want to become better speakers like I do and we share that passion
  • There are the people in my meetup group that just want to connect on a regular basis and have meaningful conversations

• However, I noticed there is one thing all these people in my life have in common
• Which brings me to reason number 2
• I have met all these new friends by doing what I love
• For years I have whined to my old friends “I cant meet anyone”
• I didn’t meet anyone at bars, over long and expensive dinners, or on boring business trips
• Because these were not things I loved
• I did them because I thought that’s what one does to meet new people
• But I didn’t enjoy myself – I did them as an obligation
• And when we don’t do what we love, we are less open, less inclined to show love to others and more preoccupied with our own stuff
• Every time I walked into a restaurant, I only scanned the room to see what I could get ouf being there
• I wasn’t present and mostly because my heart was not there
• Yet, when we are engaged in work we enjoy, work that challenges us and helps us grow, we are more relaxed and more open to new knowledge and new ideas
• As an introvert, its still challenging for me to socialize in big groups
• This has not changed and I struggle with it even at my speaking program
• But, I have connected one on one with wonderful people
  • People that couldn’t be more different from me
  • People I would have never sought out on my own
• But these are people that I share something very important with
• The quest to be my best self in specific areas of my life
• When we drop our expectations of people, our judgements and when we leave our needs in the background and only focus on them
• And
• When we engage in activities that we love
• Activates that allow us to grow and give back to others
• We have opened the door to great friendships
• These may not be the cool and hip people that have a great big house and that invite you out for expensive dinners
• But they are the people that sit with you long into the night to help you with a business plan, to refine your speech, or to build something together
• These are the friends that offer their apartment to you so you can get your book finished in a quiet place
• These are the people who give you ideas, who motivate you, and who push you
• They hold you accountable as well and challenge your thoughts and beliefs
• And they will be your biggest supporters
• They may have strange quirks
• They may have weird interests
• They may have routines and habits you cant relate to
• But they share your passion to be their best self in gardening, playing the saxophone, painting, yoga, mediation, reading
• I have also found:
• These people don’t worry about who I am either
• They accept me the way I am
  • With all my many flaws
• They will challenge me, but they will not push me over
• They will not ask me to change myself to fit in
• They will simply allow me to be
• I am amazed by this discovery
• Because even my long-term best friends will often pick on me or criticize me
• My new friends allow me to be me
• When they want to stay out late and I want to go to the gym – they will support that, encourage me and cheer me on
• When I ask them to get together to talk through an idea and not have dinner first, but focus on one single outcome, they will be on board because they know what matters
• They wont question my motives – they will simply support it
• They may say no to my request and I will not take personal
• They will offer theirs support when they see me struggling
• And I do the same
• They will not constantly question my availability, my loyalty or my priortities – they will accept that I know what is best and they will support it
• the 3 things that I keep repeating here are :
• Accept and support and challenge
• That’s what great friends do
• So – to find those friends – do what I did:
• Start with yourself
• The Quest for you we are on together
• Find what lights you up
• Many people start on the wrong end
• They look for people first to do something with them that they want to do
  • They look for someone to go the gym with so they can be motivated
  • They look for people first before they undertake an activity that might challenge them or that interests them
• Start with yourself first
• Do what you love and don’t worry about convincing people to try the same
• You can always do that later once you are leading the way and found something you want to bring others along with
• But don’t make your quest dependent on what someone else does
• A new interest or new hobby is a wonderful way to add a new friend
• And those friends will come
• Be open to the activity and the risk that comes with trying something new and the friends will follow
• I have found this over and over again
• But you have to start with yourself
• With what you love
  • dig for that
  • experiment
• it may not be the first thing you try
• it may take some time
• but when you find it, you will also find others that are on the same quest
• of course – there is more that goes into making great friends
• your personality and how you show up matters
• but I believe that the biggest obstacle is that we look for new friends in the wrong places
  • at work we are busy and often unhappy
  • in bars where its loud and were we don’t share anything with the people we meet
  • at events we go to with the sole purpose to meet friends but where are actually bored
• Start by doing what you love and then find a way to include people
  • If you like to paint – find a community of others that also enjoy it
  • Painting doesn’t have to be only done alone – once in a while you can seek out people and enjoy it together
  • Podcasting is a pretty lonely activity yet I go to a monthly podcast meetup and I am also part of a podcast mastermind
  • Both events don’t take a lot of extra time but have greatly contributed to my growth as a podcaster AND I have met a couple of great friends through this
• There is no excuse for not finding new friends
• Don’t make the same mistake as me thinking they need to meet all your needs
• Simply go out and connect with new people
• The rest will come
• Soon you will notice how those you thought were long time friends are really not that great anymore because they may not support you on your current quest for your best self

Much love