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Episode 461 – Fear of being vulnerable

• Welcome my friends
• We have another fun and exciting week ahead of us
• Please let me know if these episodes are helpful for you
• Its beneficial to me to hear if you are getting something out of them and what
• And if there is something else or more of something you would like to see, let me know also
• You can send me a quick note via my website questforyou.com or leave a comment underneath a specific episode on my site
• I love feedback and love hearing from my listeners
• Week after week I only record into a microphone.
• Then I listen to my episodes on my phone but I don’t know who else listens
• So – share yourself with me
• This makes my QFY a little bit more personal for me
• And speaking of sharing ourselves –
• I want to talk about vulnerability today
• When we share ourselves with others – by showing our feelings, sharing personal thoughts and opinions, and expressing past experiences that may have been difficult, we are opening up
• And this opening up to a side of us that is more personal and intimate and that others may not know makes us vulnerable
• We all have our vulnerable spots
• These are a collection of experiences, feeling and beliefs we hold that we don’t share freely with just anyone
• And these vulnerable spots are often based on past experiences
• I, for example have specific things in my life I do not talk about much
• Some of these are not necessarily based on a negative experiences, but they simply are things I hold very personal

• Quite often, however, we are afraid to show ourselves fully based on experiences in previous relationships we had.
• Research has shown that the type of relationships we had early on – with our parents, teachers and other adults in our life – affect our future relationships in life
• If those relationships were loving and stable, we feel more stable and secure with our feelings and towards new relationships
• But if those early relationships were painful, unstable and lacking positive attention, we are on guard and less willing to show ourselves fully because we predict similar responses as we received when we were growing up
• We constantly collect experiences
• Even if our childhood experiences were positive but then we went through a difficult relationship with the first love of our life, those experiences can overshadow everything else going forward
• Our Vulnerability is increased by the wrong’s we experience
• The more pain and difficulty we go through, the more we are on alert when we face new relationships
• To avoid future pain, we devise strategies that help protect us
  • Those are often some form of extreme detour such as avoiding commitment at all costs, or clinging to people to keep them in our life
  • We all get creative and come up with our own little routines and practices that keep us protected
• Most of these strategies have unintended consequences that we may not always realize
  • An unwillingness to commit eventually will lead to loss of partners and friends
  • Obsessive clinging to friends and partners can also scare them away
  • A distance from other due to fear of relationships often leads to loneness
• We may feel safe, because we are operating in our own world,
• But we don’t notice how we are really missing out

• I used to be standoffish towards people
  • If they played difficult, I dismissed them and ignored them
  • I lost important friendships this way
• I didn’t feel anything – I was cool – and most importantly – I was safe
  • Somewhere deep inside however I knew this was wrong
  • But I was on my island and nobody could hurt me
  • Instead I hurt them with my distance and unwillingness to work with them
• The person losing out was me
• Because when weekends came around, I was always alone
• I had my routines – coffee shop in the morning, a swim, a massage, cleaning later, and so on.
• But I was alone
• And sometime around 4pm or so, sadness would kick in
• And I couldn’t explain it
• Nobody texted, nobody invited
• I didn’t each out to people because I was afraid of rejection and a lot of other stories in my head
• And I didn’t have many people left
• I was waiting for friends to arrive – it didn’t occur to me that I have to make an effort to make friends
• Vulnerability
• I was afraid to give a little so I could get much more back
• And this is the grand issue with vulnerability –
  • We think we gain by holding back, by protecting ourselves, by staying away from any potential issue
  • And the feedback we receive may indicate that indeed, we are on the upside
    • Everything feels good
    • Distance from others avoids any issues and confrontations
    • Or
    • Constantly chasing for attention from others and then getting it, even if poorly, also feels validating
  • We feel we are doing the right thing because we are not getting hurt anymore
  • But we are really missing out
  • And if we dig deep inside we know it
  • Because we all want love
  • Our strategies are not there to keep us away from love
  • They are just there to keep us protected
  • We still want love
  • But in the process of protecting ourselves from pain we often give up on love,
  • Because its more important to us to feel safe than vulnerable
  • We all want love
  • We all want caring and genuine relationships with people in our life
    • Partners
    • Friends
    • Coworkers
  • We all want connection
    • Even if its just for an hour with the people at the gym every day
  • We want to be seen, heard and be validated
  • These are essential human needs

I want to read you a paragraph by

[i] C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves (London: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1960), 121.

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”[i]

• Let me repeat the first sentence:
• There is no safe investment
• Connection with another human being comes at a risk
• But the rewards are so much greater
• I have been to hell
• I have been alone so much in my life – you have no idea
• I had my handful of friends that would validate me
• But I didn’t take a chance to meet new people
• And deep down I always wished for more friends, different friends
  • People to do things with
  • I always drove alone to the beach – I wanted to share this experience with someone
• I also didn’t take a chance with partners
  • More recently I have
  • And they have not worked out
  • But I have learned more about myself in the process
• Every relationship teaches us more about who we are and what we need in a relationship
• I am now with my second climbing partner and I cant tell you how happy I am
• We click on many more levels than just climbing and if you recall some stories I shared form my previous partner, that was not the case with him
• It makes things easier because when we are together, we don’t just climb
  • We spend many hours in the car
  • We hike, we often swim after climbing
  • We eat together, we sleep next to each other
  • All these things are easier when you get along
• But – you have to be willing to try
• I met my first climbing partner because I talked to him and then invited him for dinner with the group I was climbing with
• Through him I met my current climbing partner months later
• Being vulnerable pays of
• I don’t miss my lonely weekends in my apartment or in an empty gym
• Heaven or hell?
• When I didn’t know any better – my lonely weekends were my heaven
• But that’s exactly the trap that fear poses of us
  • It tells us – don’t go out there
  • Don’t try anything
  • What you have now is safe – don’t lose that
• We need to learn how to detect that fear when it talks and speak up against it
• Climbing taught me to take a chance with people
  • The person that introduced me to climbing didn’t have much time to climb with me
  • And after joining a few climbing trips with meetup groups and not getting much practice in due to all the people there, I quickly realized – I need a partner
  • And the only way to find one is to search
  • And I made it happen

• The same applies to all our relationships
• Sure, you may tell yourself –
  • I am fine on my own,
  • I don’t need anyone
• That’s fear speaking
  • Fear to get out and put yourself out there
  • Fear of getting hurt
• But deep inside – we all want love
• We just let fear tell us otherwise
• The same fear that holds us back from trying something new, from taking a chance
• The thing is
• If we want love
• If we want to be in heave
• We need to take a risk
• Yes, we might get hurt again
• It may not work out
• But – we need to try
• We always need to try because that is what life is all about
• Its about finding ourselves
• Its about experiencing life to the fullest
• Which includes connecting with amazing people
• And it includes love
• To love and to be loved
• Don’t let fear tell you its not for you
• You are not meant for this
• We all are
• We just need to gather some courage to try
•  
• And is you are wondering how – here is my one piece of advice that I have learned –
• Be vulnerable
• Give some of yourself
• Feel everything
• But
• Don’t expect anything in return
• Pain and hurt are often the result of unmet expectations
• I went into my relationship with my climbing partner without any expectations
  • I didn’t know his availability, his level of commitment, his character
  • I didn’t know him. Period.
• And every week he shows me more and more how much of a great partner he is
• I don’t expect – I simply allow myself to be wowed
• By being a great partner myself
• Try this
• go into the next relationship or friendship without expectations
• By simply giving your best
• Open up about yourself
• Because real relationships, loving relationships, require that we let our guard down so others can see us fully
• Give it try
• You will know quickly if your vulnerability is being valued
• Pack up if its not
• I didn’t this recently with 2 people in my life and shared my experience with you
• If the pain outweighs the gain – move on
• But, as you can see from my example, it will work with others
• But you wont know that until you try
• And if you don’t attach expectations – your pain will be manageable
• And remember
• You can recover
• You can move on
• You have done it before

Much love