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Episode 476 – Work on yourself

• My friends – welcome back
• One reason I created I this podcast is that I lived in blindness for most of my life
  • I assumed that we are who we are
• Yeah, maybe we work a little on our patience or our anger issues, but overall, we don’t change a whole lot
• The few times I tried to work on myself, I failed miserably
• So I believed – that its just not possible
• And that, the repeated issues I had – were maybe my fault, but there wasn’t much I could do
• I had 2 main strategies to deal with conflict:
  • I would either try to talk my way through it
    • Justify to the other person that what I did or said had reason
    • I did endless talking, trying to make myself and the other person feel better
    • But I didn’t really listen to myself or them for the real issue

or

• I avoided the conflict entirely by turning silent
  • When I felt words would not help, I shut down
  • For a while I’d be brewing on the inside
  • But then the anger would dissipate and give way to clearer thinking
  • And I devised plans of action for going forward
  • It was an agreement with myself like
    • Next time this happens I will do X
  • An agreement that was for my own protection
  • It didn’t take the other person into consideration
  •  
• And as soon as the world was back in order, I moved on
  • I didn’t reflect on the issue
  • I simply hoped it wouldn’t happen again
  • But usually, they do happen again
  • Conflicts with others tend to repeat themselves unless they are addressed
  • Why?
  • Because there is a deeper issue
  • And sometimes, if we are lucky, that issue escalates
  • It pushes us to change
  • Because when hardship hits us, we have no other choice than to change
• Anne Lamott whose book Bird by Bird I am currently reading, has a beautiful quote about that

“We can change. People say we can’t, but we do when the stakes or the pain is high enough. And when we do, life can change. It offers more of itself when we agree to give up our busyness.” 
― Anne Lamott, Almost Everything: Notes on Hope

• We can deny it, or ignore it, or pretend it doesn’t exist
• we can hide it, disguise it, make excuses for it, justify it, explain it away, rationalize it.
• I have done all of it
• We can throw the towel and claim – well that’s just who I am – I wont change
• We can also punish ourselves for our failure to change, belittle ourselves, consider ourselves worthless, defective, weak, not good enough

OR:

• We can work on ourselves
• It strikes me as interesting how we miss this obvious alternative
• We rather stay in misery than try to look inward
  • Getting angry and upset – I mean you cant tell me these are fun feelings

• When my life pushed me into painful lessons I saw that change is possible
• We are not stuck in a fixed personality
  • With character traits that cannot be modified
  • We are not born into doom – stuck in a jealous, angry, or judgmental personality
• We don’t need to constantly run into battles with certain people or in certain circumstances
• We don’t have to accept that certain things will always be a certain way
  • Oh, well, I am just a really impatient, jealous, outspoken, whatever person
• Sure – maybe that’s who you are at this moment because of past experiences
• But the good new is –
• It doesn’t have to stay this way
• We can change when we decide to work on ourselves
• Not waiting for pain to push us, but pushing ourselves into pain a little
• Why pain?
• The pain comes when we realize that the problem always lies with us
• Yes, I said always
• most of the drama we experience in our relationships is self-generated
• it took me a long time to accept it, but every time I have a conflict in my life with another person, I find the blame with myself
  • not right away, of course
  • first I blame the other person – always
    • they are stubborn, and inconsiderate, and they don’t listen
    • its their fault that I am in this mess
  • and this could all be true
  • but it isn’t really an issue until we make it one
  • it’s a decision we make on how we want to deal with the situation
  • but more often these days than before do I notice that I am the one generating the problem
  • with my climbing partner, I encounter similar conflicts on a regular basis so they offer a great opportunity for reflection on this topic
    • for example – he will tell me some things prior to climbing, but I didn’t listen to all of them
    • or didn’t understand them all
    • but I agreed
    • but then, when I don’t do what he said and he questions me, I can react in different ways – and I tried them all
      • I can justify myself
        • That is not what I understood – I heard something different
      • I can get upset
        • Why do you always have to pick out the negatives?
      • Or I can shut down and pout and not talk at all
    • Guess which one of these work the best?
    • None
    • They are 3 great ways to create a problem
    • A problem I could say started with my partner
    • But he just pointed something out
    • It is my reaction to it that creates the actual problem
  • Sure, there are times he is not very nice about it
  • Or he shuts down and I don’t know why
  • But I have found,
  • That every time I listen and accept his comment,
    • No question them
    • No make him look like he is causing a problem
    • But simply acknowledge them and inwardly try to figure out what I can do better
  • The drama is minimized
    • My expectations are always that he points out the positives, and not the negatives
    • I want to feel validated
    • I want to hear that I did a great job
    • We all do
  • But this is an expectation and when not met, it can contribute to conflict
  • we want certain outcomes
  • we what people to behave in certain ways
  • we have ideas of how events should go
  • and when things don’t go this way, we often struggle

• there is nothing we can do to change the other person
  • we cannot make them say or do something
  • they said or did whatever they chose, and we have to deal with it
• no matter how much talking, doing, apologizing or begging we do
• shutting down and hoping they will come around doesn’t work either
• sometimes we may get the outcome we hope to get
• but the actual issue is not addressed or resolved
• because we are the problem
•  
• I have noticed that the same situations occur again and again
  • I clash with people over the same issue
  • Diffident people
• Not because of my bad luck
  • Or because they al don’t understand me
• But because I handle them the issues the exact way
• I don’t change
• And yet – I am the only person that can change
• This is the work we have to do
• The inner work
• It means reflecting on our actions
• Often -this reflection is triggered when something isn’t working
  • Someone is upset by something we said or did
• Working on ourselves is just like working on a project, like your garden
  • When the plants don’t grow as you had hoped, you analyze what the issue could be
    • Maybe not enough sun or water
    • Maybe the soil needs fertilizer
  • You don’t plant flowers and then accept the fact that they don’t grow
  • In the same way, we should not accept when things in our life don’t work
    • When we clash with people over the same issues
    • When we struggle with emotions we cannot control
    • When we cannot reach our goals
  • Working on yourself can start with what I did with my climbing partner
  • Something you most likely do with your partner already
    • Experiment with different responses
    • See which one feels better
    • Creates less conflict
    • Leads to a more effective outcome
  • As you notice that something isn’t working, and you play around with different options, you are increasing you awareness
    • You will start to notice your default reactions in certain situation
    • You will also see which reactions are harder for you
  • You get to know yourself better
  • You see how your thoughts work
  • You will notice what your expectations are
  • We often don’t realize we have them
    • We argue, we justify and to our own ears – we sound so reasonable
    • When all we are doing is avoiding to reflect on our own behavior
  • It took me a long time to acknowledge that all I want from my climbing partner is to share the joy of summiting a mountain with me and telling me how great I did
  • There is nothing worse than hearing a litany of mistakes I made
  • Yet, as long as I hear that list, the more I can improve
  • I can ditch the expectation to feel validated, and instead focus on what really matters
    • Improving on my climbing skills
  •  
  • Doing the inner work is taking responsibility for the one person you can control and change
    • And that is yourself
    •  
  • However, I acknowledge – we cannot do it all alone
  • If the other person doesn’t work on themselves, then it may be hard
  • No matter how much you work on yourself, you cannot hold it together
  • working on yourself may include setting boundaries to not put up with disrespectful behavior anymore
    • Saying no
  • Or it may mean to work on your jealousy issue or anger outbreaks
  •  
  • But if we don’t work on ourselves – we will get the same results over and over again
  • Some people seem to be content with that
  • I wasn’t
  • Accepting that certain things cannot be change didn’t seem right to me
  • And now, as I get into difficult situations – I am always reflecting on how to handle them better
  •  
  • Working on ourselves must not be this difficult process
  • It’s begins with the act of reflecting on our actions and if they are not effective, experimenting with different ones
    • Remember your flower garden that has a few issues here and there
  • Investigate
  • Ask friends for input
  • Be open to other possible scenarios that you may not have previously considered
  • Increase your awareness to the areas you struggle with
    • The trigger points
    • The sensitive subjects
    • The roadblocks
  • These are usually already clear to you
  • You just have not yet acknowledged them
  •  
  • Inner work, helps us cultivate enough self-awareness
  •  
  • I love this quote by
  •  

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”
― Anna Quindlen

• Working on yourself is the best contribution you can make to a happier you and more fulfilling relationship with your loved ones

Much love