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Episode 482 – Complaining is not needed

• Welcome friends
• Have you complained today?
• Take a second and think about it?
• Maybe not today because your day just started, but maybe yesterday?
• I know I have
  • Even if not out loud, but to myself I have complained about at least a few things already today
• I grew up in a family of complainers and as a child I overheard a lot of adult conversation that were just a litany of complains
  • Something was always missing, not right, not as it was expected
  • The weather
  • The political situation
  • The neighbors
  • There were always things to complain about
• I am sensitive to complaining because of my past but that doesn’t mean I don’t complain
• However, I didn’t think I complained a whole lot – at least not out loud
• Until I started climbing
• I learned a lot about myself when I started climbing
• That I am a complainer was a big surprise
• Most of my partners would tell me that I complained a lot
• This was a sour pill to swallow and in fact, I didn’t believe it at first
• Because I always disliked the complaining my family used to do, I tried to avoid it as much as possible
• So I made them repeat the exact words I said and when I heard them out of someone else’s mouth I finally realized how something that may not sound like complaining to me, can come across as complaining to someone else
• This is how I became more interested in this phenomenon called complaining
• What others hear as complaining was me describing something
  • An experience like “this descent from the mountain was so scary”
  • A person like “you need to have more patience with me”
  • A situation like “there are to many people here, its hard to enjoy nature”
• In fact – I often was just trying to make conversation when my partner was silent
• Or, I was asked for an opinion and that’s what I shared
• I didn’t mean to complain
• I expressed thoughts and observations
• I shared what came to mind
• And after closer observation – therein I discovered the problem
• I didn’t think before I responded
• I simply liberated myself of my thoughts and dumped them on the person next to me
  • Without considering on how it may land
• So I did what I often do when I try to get to the root cause of an issue with someone else:
  • I put myself into their shoes
• I look at the situation from their point of view
• The above statements seem harmless without context
• But let me reframe it for you
• Imagine you are my climbing partner
  • An experienced person who has been climbing for years
  • You can climb with many people every weekend, more experienced people
  • But here you are – climbing with me
  • Because you like me
  • You think I am a nice person who is passionate about climbing and the outdoors and
  • you see that I want to learn
• so you take me to great places, like Yosemite, because that’s where the best climbing is and because you know those places after many years of climbing
• and you climb with me – slower because I am not an experienced climber like most of your friends
• and because you enjoy teaching and spending time with an enthusiastic and motivated person like me
• Now imagine hearing these sentences:
  • “this descent from the mountain was so scary”
  • “you need to have more patience with me”
  • “there are to many people here, its hard to enjoy nature”
• Just reading these line I realize what a strong complaining tone they have
• There you are:
• You made all this effort to provide a good climbing experience for me, and here I am complaining about stuff
• And some of the things, like the environment, are not even under your control
• They probably bothered you as well, but you hope I would enjoy this day
• My words easily could make you feel like spending time with me wasn’t worth it
  • It appears I didn’t enjoy it – so why take me out again?
  • That it was to hard to me – so why invest more time into training with me?
  • That I couldn’t handle critical feedback – so why even bother?
• The stoics occupied themselves a lot with the topic of complaining

Marcus Aurelius recorded in Meditations:

“Everything that happens is either endurable or not.

If it’s endurable, then endure it. Stop complaining.

If it’s unendurable… then stop complaining.

Your destruction will mean its end as well. Just remember: you can endure anything your mind can make endurable, by treating it as in your interest to do so. In your interest, or in your nature.”

“Everything that happens is either endurable or not.

• It’s Monday again
• Traffic is backed up like never before
• The phone data is maxed so I cannot get alternate directions in time to exit the freeway
• My boss found errors in my report
• Credit card payment is due
• And then after I rushed to the gym to be there early, both squat racks are taken
• And when I finally come home, I realize that my water reservoir from my climbing pack that I didn’t empty the night before after my trip has leaked all over the pack and my floor

• We all can find an endless number of things to complain about every day
• But I have found, that the more weight I give to these unfortunate circumstances, the heavier they become
• I am making a burden out of something that is a simple fact
  • Its Monday
  • The climb was hard
  • My legs are sore
• These are facts
• How do we deal with facts?
• We endure them or we don’t endure them
• We accept them or we change them
  • I can clean the water off my floor or I can let it sit and dry by itself
• We handle them or we don’t
•  
• I think we often resort to complaining because we are unable to change a situation or person
• There is nothing I can do on a difficult downclimb – I have to finish it to get back to my car
• But I can complain a little to relive the tension that has accumulated within me
• Complaining, explaining, observing – whatever you want to call it –
• It feels good to let it out
  • The hike was hard, but sharing how hard it was somehow seems to make it a little better
• it has the potential to arouse sympathy in others
  • my partner may feel sorry for me now that I am showing some vulnerability
• it can help lower expectations from the other person,
  • maybe he will understand now why I was so slow
• it can serve as an excuse for negativity, and
• it can even relieve the burden of personal responsibility
  • not my fault it took us so long to get back to the car

• however, complaining is not an effective strategy
• It doesn’t resolve anything
• For once – It may feel good to us to let off some steam, but it often doesn’t feel good to the other person or the people around us – as we have demonstrated in my example
• And second – complaining may signal closure to the complainer who then never takes any responsibility
• A complaint is often an excuse not to do something about the situation
  • If the descent was scary for me – maybe I am not in good enough shape?
  • If you don’t have patience with me – maybe I am to slow or to inefficient
  • If there are to many people at the route, maybe I should have started earlier?
• Complaining sends a false signal of resolution
  • I let it out – done.
• While we cannot always change the circumstances in the moment, we can always do something about them down the road
  • We can avoid them by preparing better
•  
• “Everything that happens is either endurable or not.
• Let this be our strategy for dealing with tough situations
  • If we can endure them – lets do so
  • If we can’t – lets bail (as we say in climbing if we need to abandon a route)
• Either scenario doesn’t require a complaint
  • A hike may be tough but we pull through because somehow we have to get back home
  • A climbing route may be to tough, or my partner may be to tired or hurt, so we bail
  • We rappel down or hike off
• In either case – There is no need to complain about the facts – they are what they are
•  
• We don’t need to complain,
• We don’t have to state the obvious
• We should not point out your struggles
• We just work harder or give up
  • One or the other
• this is the Stoic’s point of view and since I started climbing, I have learned that this is the most effective strategy to keep my spirits up during difficult situations and to not discourage my partner unnecessarily
•  
• I have recently climbed some significant peaks in Yosemite –
  • Mt Hoffman, Cathedral Peak and Tenaya Peak, all over 10K feet of elevation
• The altitude gets to me
• I struggle breathing
• While my legs are strong, my lungs struggle keeping up with less oxygen – making it a challenge every time
• As a result I am slow
• Yet, I refuse to give up
• I may huff and puff along the way, but I go
• I don’t say anything
• Instead – right after finishing one peak, I select the next one
• And this past weekend, as I climbed Cathedral Peak for the second time in August, I was ahead of my climbing partner
• I led the way
• I didn’t breathe nearly as hard
• I am beginning to get used to the elevation and the strenuous uphill hike

“Everything that happens is either endurable or not.

If it’s endurable, then endure it. Stop complaining.

• Ask yourself – next time you face a challenge:
• Can I endure it or not?
• And whatever you decide – make sure you bring your thoughts on board
• Its Monday again and you’re dragging
• Its your choice – call in sick and stay in bed or pull through and go to work
• Monday is only a day – you decide how you feel about it
• You are making it a good day or a bad day with your own thoughts and your complaints
•  
• To quote Aurelius again,
•  

“Choose not to be harmed, and you won’t feel harmed.

Don’t feel harmed, and you haven’t been.”

• once you make a decision- to endure or not – complaining will fall by the wayside
• it often comes out of us when we are unsure
• secretly we hope – maybe someone will help us resolve this tough situation
• don’t complain
• you take control by making the decision over the situation
• and then then follow through
• Complaining not needed

Much love!