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Episode 488 – Your inner critic

• Good morning QFY friends
• How is everyone doing?
• Here we are in September already
• I spent time in nature last weekend
• and I saw trees already turning their leaves from green to orange and red
  • Saying good bye to summer and preparing for winter
• The fall season is upon us
• For me here in the Bay Area it means cooler morning
• The need to remember to bring a jacket
• And earlier evenings
• I am not yet ready for Fall
• We just had another heatwave this week that I celebrated with wearing dresses and skirts
• And I am hoping for just a few more days of late summer
• My favorite season
• Because fall is a preparation for winter and winter means years end
• And I have so much still I want to accomplish this year that I can’t come to terms with the fact that I might not get it all done
• Sounds ambitions I know, but I haven’t always been this way
• In fact, as I finished up the last episode about the inspiring quote by Machiavelli, I came across an article in Psychology Today
• I saw The magazine at my friends house and the front page title “Silence your inner critic” caught my attention
• I was curious
• I am always curious when I read headline that tell me what I should do in just a few words
• A – I want to know if the article is actually fulfilling its promise and will tell me how I can do it
• And B – is it realistic ?
• Because most things in life are more complicated than
  • Silence your inner critic
  • Stop smoking
  • Work out more
  • Take time off for yourself
• And all the endless one-line pieces of advice we are bombarded with every time we do a Google search on a specific topic
• In my last episode, I touched on the topic of failure because Machiavelli’s quote encourages failure
  • The right kind of failure
  • The failure you encounter because you take a risk
• Because that kind of failure teaches
• While the other kind of failure, the one we encounter when we don’t take a risk and wake up years later realizing we missed the boat – that failure keeps us comfortable
• Unfortunately often – way to long
•  
• as I read the article I realized – the inner critic can be both positive and negative
• in fear of failure and embarrassment it can push us to harder to prepare more and work harder
• but at the same time, in face of challenges that we are not prepared for, it can hold us back from even trying
• here is an excerpt from the article:

• if you detect the inner critic within you, it might be worth tuning into yourself a little more to find out where it comes from
• just a little bit of reflection will open up old memories
  • when I think back, I can hear my overcautious grandmother always worrying I might get hurt
  • and I can hear my negative mother predicting that it wont work out anyway
• voices from the past that still speak today in our present
• the important aspect is to notice them
• this is where the article falls short for me
• it somehow skips over this important discovery step
• we don’t always hear that inner critic

• for a long time I didn’t
• I was the women that is described in one of the examples in the article
• Always driven – because that helped me silence the inner critic
• But only driven when the path was laid out, and when the risk was manageable
  • Studying hard in college and getting good grades for example is possible for almost everyone
  • But many people choose to spend time on other things, resulting in mediocre grades instead
  • Completing assignments
  • Following procedures
  • Working hard to get to that A, that promotion, that certification
  • Most of us can do this
  • Its within our control
  • And that was where I excelled
• But when it came to trying something less clearly defined
• Where the was a chance that I couldn’t make it and would have to start over or come up with a Plan B
• That’s where I wasn’t driven
• That’s where I didn’t raise my hand
• No time, no money, not right now
• Thanks to my inner critic
• So first we have to become aware of the inner critics’ presence
• I was reminded by a Seth Godin post I had read years ago on the topic
• Here it is for you:

Facing the inner critic

Part of his power comes from the shadows.

We hear his voice, we know it by heart. He announces his presence with a rumble and he runs away with a wisp of smoke.

But again and again, we resist looking him in the eye, fearful of how powerful he is. We’re afraid that like the gorgon, he will turn us to stone. (I’m using the male pronoun, but the critic is a she just as often).

He’s living right next to our soft spot, the (very) sore place where we store our shame, our insufficiency, our fraudulent nature. And he knows all about it, and pokes us there again and again.

As Steve Chapman points out in his generous TEDx talk, it doesn’t have to be this way. We can use the critic as a compass, as a way to know if we’re headed in the right direction. 

Pema Chödrön tells the story of inviting the critic to sit for tea. To welcome him instead of running.

It’s not comfortable, but is there any other way? The sore spot is unprotectable. The critic only disappears when we cease to matter. They go together.

We can dance with him, talk with him, welcome him along for a long, boring car ride. Suddenly, he’s not so dangerous. Sort of banal, actually.

There is no battle to win, because there is no battle. The critic isn’t nearly as powerful as you are, not if you are willing to look him in the eye.

• Powerful
• The article gives a similar recommendation and calls it “answering the voices”
• Answering the inner critic – not ignoring it by working harder but listening and showing compassion
• I always work hard – especially on the stuff I can control
• Here is a simple example:
• Podcast episodes are my comfort zone
• I love writing and preparing them and often I will do that instead of working on my speech or some other less defined, less comfortable project
• It helps me when I take a minute to listen to within
• By asking myself:
  • Is this what I should be working on?
  • Am I trying to avoid the real work with other less, important work?
  • Am I afraid to fail and therefore I keep myself comfortable with what I know will not lead to failure?
• You can answer the voice when you hear it
• In order to hear it, we have to stop for a minute and reflect
• What is he or she telling me?
• And then the dialogue can start
• I remember having such a conversation earlier this summer when I went climbing with a different group of people at an area where I don’t like to climb
• I don’t like to climb there because the one and only time I climbed there, a year ago, I got stuck in a chimney for what seemed like an eternity
• I failed
• And that failure was the only thing I remembered
• It was really interesting actually
• I had a conversation with my inner critic and I decided:
• Climbing is more important to me that not climbing
• Even if I get stuck in that chimney again, I am going to try
• As I got there, it was so strange to me that I hardly remembered anything
• Usually I am pretty good about remembering certain aspects of a climb
  • The ascent, the base of the route, certain sections on the route, and the descent
• My inner critic had pushed almost everything into the background and overshadowed my memory with that chimney experience
• Slowly, as we spent time there, things came back to me, but it took longer than usual
•  
• Start noticing your inner critic
• You’ll hear him or her when you want to take a step forward and feel resistance in the form of fear, doubts and a negative attitude
• Acknowledge it
  • Yes, I failed in that chimney
  • I was new back then
  • Today I will try a different approach
    • And I did
    • I didn’t even squeeze myself into it this time, I stayed on the outside and climbed the face
    • Success
  • When you acknowledge the critic – the fear and the worries – then you are giving yourself permission to evaluate a different outcome
  • The inner critic may have a voice, but it doesn’t have the final answer
  • You have the final answer.

Much love