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Episode 489 – Assume you are wrong

https://hbr.org/2012/12/why-youre-talking-past-each-other-and

• Welcome friends
• I hope you are well
• I want to start with a quote today:

“I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.” 

― James Baldwin, Notes of a Native Son

• Have you ever been in a conversation around a conflict with someone where both of you are stubbornly clinging to your truth?
• I know I have many times
• In those kind of situations – its almost impossible to resolve the conflict because neither party wants to let go of what they believe is right
• And it can feel like you are just talking past one another – but never really meeting
• I recently had such a conflict and I thought about it for a long time – as we both were talking past one another
• It was literally like 2 trains passing each other without stopping
• He said “you’re only blaming me” and I would say “I am not blaming you, I am expressing a concern I have”
• yet in the next sentence he would say again – you keep blaming me
• And I am dumbfounded – didn’t I just explain that I am not blaming?
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• I am sure conversations like this happen in every relationship
• The meeting in the middle
• The stopping and noticing and compromising hardly ever works
• I don’t think I ever said – in the middle of a conflict: yeah, I think I can see where you are coming from
• And neither has anyone ever said it to me, as far as I can remember
• Instead, we both feel unheard, misunderstood, and sometimes even worse – disrespected, dismissed and undermined
• Instead of hearing the other person, really hearing them we only hear ourselves
• When I express a concern, I look for validation of my concern
• I look for the other person to recognize at least a little bit truth in what is true for me
• And when that doesn’t happen – and it usually doesn’t because the other person shares their truth and has the same objective
• Then I continue
  • Maybe I need to be clearer
  • Maybe I need to paint the picture better – so I try humor, maybe I try sarcasm and on my worst days I use words that hurt
• And the other person does the same
• And here we are. – 2 very long trains passing each other and at some point not even remembering what started it all
• I recently read an article in HBR that explains this phenomenon of talking past one another from a business perspective
• The author starts out:

Twenty-eight years ago I began my first experiment in what I call conversational intelligence. I was hired by Union Carbide to work with 17 high-powered sales executives in danger of losing a bid for a key contract. My job was to figure out how they could raise their game and beat the other seven competitors.

For more than two weeks I had them role-play potential conversations with “customers” and I charted what they said. The patterns were clear: The executives used “telling statements” 85% of the time, leaving a paltry 15% for questions. What’s more, almost all the questions they asked were actually statements in disguise. They were talking and talking, trying to bring their counterparts around to their point of view, all the time thinking that they were still conducting good, productive conversations.

• I believe the same happens at home and in our personal lives
• When we feel strongly about an issue, we want to get the other person on that same level
• We want to convince them of our beliefs
• We can blame our body for this
• According to the same article –
• Expressing ourselves feels good because our bodies release a higher level of reward hormones
• but while we’re feeling good because we get to say what we believe is right, the person across from us to might feel cut off, invisible, unimportant, minimized and rejected, which releases the same neurochemicals as physical pain.
• We all have been on both sides
• Either side is not a good one
• Trying to get a point across to someone who doesn’t hear what you are saying is just as frustrating as being on the other end and feeling criticized for something we have said or done
• Let me read the quote from the beginning again:

“I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.” 

• I think we can easily replace the word HATE with the word BELIEF
• We cling to our beliefs because they define who we are
• We identify with our beliefs and giving them up would leave us naked
• But – have you ever, in the middle of a major argument stopped and considered just one thing the other person brought up?
  • Evaluated it
  • Analyzed it
• And did you then even if only for a second acknowledge that there might be some truth in it?
• How did this feel?
• It feels disarming doesn’t it?
• You feel shame, maybe
• But I also think there is a great relief in this realization that maybe you are not 100% correct in your assumption because this suddenly offers a path towards a potential resolution
• There is a light
• And this light allows you to no see the other person a bit more clearly
• It feels shocking but at the same time if feels reassuring knowing our truth is not universal
• as the quote says- its painful realizing we were wrong and we try to avoid having to face this pain at all costs
• but once we gain the awareness we have opportunity to change course and grow
•  
•  
• But how do we get there more often?
• How can we stop our train from running past the other and even if we cannot extend a hand, maybe we can at least look at each other, recognize and acknowledge what the other person offers?
• Here is an idea:
• What if we, at some point during the discussion, we assume we are wrong?
• Just to play with it
• Just for fun
• Lets reverse the table and pretend w are wrong and the other person is right
• The complete opposite of what we would naturally be inclined to do
• lets face it:
  • unless we let our guard down
  • unless we stop for just a moment and consider what the other person has to say
  • we will never be able to meet in the middle
• we will continue to defend dour opinions and protect our beliefs
  • and this means we will run past the other person and the conflict will not get resolved
• but by playing with the possibility that we are wrong
  • not just a little wrong, but completely wrong
• we open ourselves up to possibility
• we can think more clearly and more objectively about the situation
• and instead of arguing more fervently, maybe we ask a question
• instead of insisting that our version is the only one, maybe we show more humility
• and instead of trying to convince the other person of our truth, maybe we learn a new, and better truth
• Assuming we are wrong is an exercise
• It’s a temporary change in our state of mind
• We have nothing to lose by trying this
• Its not binding us to something we don’t agree with
• Its not downplaying our concerns
• Its simply looking back at ourselves from the other persons viewpoint
• And it might trigger some insights
• Some ideas
• Some thinking that wants there previously
• Because now we have created a distance between ourselves and our beliefs
• And in that gap that has now been created, we can let possibility come in
• A different truth
• And this may help us halt the train
• It may help us see the other person better
• It may not change our mind or dismiss our concern
• But it my offer a path to relate better to the other person
• A path to be more human

• Lets assume we are wrong more often because we are already defaulted to assuming we are right anyway
• Lets try something different
• And maybe it will help us grow as humans

Much love