Episode 513 – Don’t go back

• This episode is for me and all of you who have ended something, or made the decision about ending it, but are now wavering, reconsidering, thinking about going back
• My proposal is – lets not go back
• Lets not go back
  • To the relationship, the friendship, the person
  • The job, the business opportunity, the venture
  • The place, the group, the activity
  • The habits, the lifestyle, the thing you let go
• If it didn’t work
• Or it didn’t work out
• It most likely wont ever work out
• Here is why:
• The decision to let go is one of the toughest decisions we make
• Because letting go is hard
• We like safety, security and often tend to hang on longer than we should
• Letting go means uncertainty, risk and often we are scared
• It’s a big step
• And even if we were forced to let go,
• Even if we didn’t have any other choice but to go into a different direction
• It was just as hard
• We still had to make the effort to move forward
• And it was most likely painful, yet
• we came out alive on the other end
• The decision to let go and move on wasn’t made overnight
  • We thought this through
  • We stuck it out
  • We tried hard for a while
  • We wanted to make it work
  • But then, little by little, we gave up
  • Didn’t try as hard anymore
  • Resigned ourselves to the situation
  • Slowly realizing that unless we change – nothing will change
• and so we let go
• we moved on
• we ended this chapter and started a different one
•  
• By going back
• By reversing the decision we made
• We take the chance that we face the same decision again
• Will letting go next time be just as painful, or maybe even more?
• I think with every step back, moving forward becomes more difficult
•  
• Lets not go back
• Lets instead honor the decision we made
  • Or that was made for us
• Lets trust that we made the right decision at that time
  • With the information that we had
• And lets move forward

• The dilemma we find ourselves in when we contemplate going back is explained in one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite authors – Gabriel Garcia Marquez

• Thanks to this artifice, however, we also struggle remembering the pain of the past
• The longer ago it happened, the less we remember
• We tend to recall only the good moments
• We embellish them
• Magnify them
• And we forget all the others
• Those that made us arrive at our decision to let go
• There is comfort in remembering the good
• In reminiscing over the past
• In wishing we could go back
• Because the past is known
• But the future is uncertain
• So when a door to the past opens –
  • A person from the past comes back into our life
  • And opportunity already pursued in the past returns
• we are considering going back
• because the pain of the past has been pushed away, and we don’t remember is at intensely
  • surely it couldn’t have been that bad
• and suddenly we see more opportunity than we did when we made the decision to let go
  • some distance was probably all we needed
• and we question the decision of the past
  • maybe we need to give it another chance
• sadly
• most of the time
• nothing really has changed
• only our mind that has tried to convince us that the past is safer than the future
  • Because we don’t know whats ahead
  • And whatever it is, its scary
• So we keep going back
• Investing energy into making something work that we already decided on wasn’t going to work
• Only to make that hard decision again
• And again
• When all we really need to do is stick to our decision
• And instead of wasting energy and effort trying to rearrange the past
• We need to spent it on exploring the possibilities of the present moment
•  
• And here is something I started doing during my marriage, when the decision to get divorced was already made
• But my mind tried to go back and find ways to make it work yet again
• I began writing it all down
  • The words that hurt
  • The behaviors that caused stress, and anxiousness
  • The events that were unsettling
  • Everything that caused pain and that added up to the decision to let go
• I wrote it down
• I kept a running log
• Another insult?
  • Noted
• Another failed attempt?
  • Logged
• Word for word, action for action
• I wrote it down
• And I wrote down down how it made me feel
• I also wrote down when friends said when I told them
• Because I noticed I forgot their advice as well
• Write it all down
• And when the moment comes
• When your mind is weak and seeks safety again in the known
• Then you read your list
• Reminding yourself of why you made the decision
• Refreshing your memory,  as they say
•  
•  
• If however you don’t think you tried hard enough
  • If you think you made a rash decision,
  • ran away from the problem
  • Didn’t think it through
  • Only sought the easy way out
• Then by all means
• Try again
• Put forth your best effort
• Give it another chance
• When your motive is not to seek comfort but to challenge yourself, to improve yourself, to be a better person
• Then by all means
• Go back
• But in my experience
• I can also apply what I learned towards the future
  • In the next relationship
  • With the new employer
  • In the other community
• I can be my best without going back
• And why I make that my goal
• Then I know
• New opportunities will come my way
• Better ones
• That will not require me to go back

Much love