Episode 583 – Discovering light in the darkness  

• Darkness takes many degrees
• Instead of being afraid of it, I have found that we use darkness to help us see better, become stronger and find out more about ourselves
• Come and join me in today’s episode and discover your light in the darkness
• Welcome to Quest For You
  • I am grateful you are here
  • I created this podcast to help you connect more with yourself
  • I have found that a life lived according to what everyone else says I should do is a limited life
  • Only when I began to get in touch with myself – the Quest for ME – is when I discovered a more authentic life
  • And my wish is that by listening to me you will start to listen more to yourself
• Welcome back
• I am glad you are here
• I used to listen to my podcasts on my way to and from work
• Now I don’t commute anymore but I walk a lot instead
• That’s when I catch up on podcasts now
• Our routines have become disrupted – so if you are listening now, I thank you
• I know that our regular life requires just a bit more effort
  • Even though it seems we are doing less
• Its not exactly what we do that we are struggling with, it’s the fact that its different and that we are not used to it
• I know I have normalized, but there are still moments that I struggle with
• Just going to the grocery store – sometimes I just want to cry when I see the lines, the distances, signs and warnings everywhere, the awkwardness of it all
• My goal was to become more friendlier and patient with strangers, with delays, with the nuisances of life that sometimes throw a wrench into my plans
• And that has now become even harder – with everyone just worried about their safety
• Every time I go to the store something is different –
  • The line forms in another direction
  • The store hours change
  • One time I was scolded for having my own bags, this past week I was charged again for paper bags
• What used to be normal, is now constantly changing and I never know what to expect
• As a result of the new normal being more difficult – I have struggled with the tasks that were already harder anyways
• My episodes have been sporadic
• I love writing and I always had ideas for content
• But lately my mind feels blank and I tell myself that people want to hear other things, not my ideas
• I have escaped into nature on the weekends,
• There – I don’t have to worry about any of it – my life, the new normal, the uncertainty
• I can be amongst the trees, the lakes, the streams, the birds and the mountains and I can just be
• Its magical, its perfect, its all I need
• yet when I am back in my town, in my apartment, I struggle again
  • the noise of the city
  • the multitude of tasks that await to be tackled
  • the people I want to see and talk to
• I struggle focusing on it all
  • I shared that with you in my last episode
• And since then I have started to work on my focus
• I have allowed myself to let go of everything I wanted to do
  • Just earlier today I returned all the big books I had checked out from the library
  • I know I will not read them
• I am focusing back on this podcast
• And along with that – on my writing, on reflecting, and learning and on being a better person
• This is my main focus in life and my podcast is the medium by which I help you do the same
• And I want to read you quote that I recently also shared with my morning meetup group and that led to an interesting discussion:
• James Baldwin

“One discovers the light in the darkness, that is what darkness is for; but everything in our lives depends on how we bear the light. It is necessary, while in darkness, to know that there is a light somewhere, to know that in oneself, waiting to be found, there is a light. What the light reveals is danger, and what it demands is faith.”

• Darkness, first of all – sounds scary
• But someone in the group shared that darkness can be befriended
• And this comments reminded me of my many nights out in nature, sometimes hiking down or back from a mountain
• And my climbing partner once reminded me, as I was frantically searching for my headlamp in my pack, that our eyes adjust to darkness and that a light isnt necessarily needed
• And when I gave it try I realized how much one can actually see in darkness
• Our eyes adjust, but I think they also work harder trying to see
• They focus on whatever they can to help us navigate
  • The white rocks along the shine and look like snow
  • The bushes and trees that somehow set themselves apart in the darkness so we don’t run into them
• You can easily test this out in your house, when its dark
• Even though you may know where objects are, give it a try
• Turn off the lights, wait a little bit and see how much you can see
• We can see in darkness, but its harder
• And just as in actual darkness, we can also see in times when everything seems dark
• Darkness is not the end
• Darkness is change
• And to find the light in darkness, we focus on one small thing that we can see
  • And then another

It is necessary, while in darkness, to know that there is a light somewhere, to know that in oneself, waiting to be found, there is a light.

• One week ago, I climbed Mt Shasta, a mountain here in northern California with an elevation of over 14K ft
• It was a dream come true
• Unexpectedly – because a friend invited me unexpectedly, just one week before and because I hadn’t planned on this trip because I didn’t think I had what it takes
• Mountains that high require a few things:
  • Most importantly – mountaineering skills which I don’t have
  • I rock climb, but most of that happens at manageable elevation and in good weather conditions
  • hiking up and down a mountain in snow or ice, with winds blowing at 30 or more mph is a different story
  • it also requires good physical skills, which I felt more comfortable with
  • and – it requires a strong mind which I will talk about shortly
• the plan we made, involved stretching the trip over 3 days and 2 nights, with a training and acclimatizing day in between
• I had also been ice climbing for the first time in January, which gave me a good intro to moving around on crampons and handling an ice axe
• this goal now seemed more accomplishable and so I went
• I also was just in Yosemite the weekend prior, at an elevation over 9K feet, so the timing seemed good
• Elevation is an important consideration when summiting a mountain as most of us live 24/7 at very low elevation and our bodies are not used to the lower levels of oxygen
• My body performed better than I expected
• On Friday we hiked up to 10,400 ft with our heavy packs – prepared to spend 2 nights there
• Only 4 miles, but they took us over 5 hours, with many rests in between to catch our breath
• The day was sunny and hot, in fact I hiked in shorts all the way
• And while it was hard, especially the last section right before the base and our camping spot, because it was very steep and the first section that was covered in snow, I did well
• When it was especially hard, I would count my steps
  • 10 steps, a short rest
  • Another 10 steps, another short rest
  • Leaning forward to lighten the load of the pack
• It was a long slog but there was never a doubt in my mind that I couldn’t make it
• On Sunday, on the other hand, when we summited to the peak, things were much harder
  • The weather had changed overnight with below freezing temps and a strong wind
  • I wore several layers of clothes, and 2 pairs of gloves – yet the wind seemed to penetrate my entire body
• Yet on we went, step by step, along with other people who had the same goal
• Things became dark for me when what I thought was the summit of Mt Shasta wasn’t the summit
• For over a day I looked at what I thought was the top of the mountain and on Sunday I walked towards it with speed, confidence and optimism
• Only to reach it, tired and frozen, to see another hill appear in the back
• Fine, I thought, we will make it
• But the slog became harder with every step
• Half way up that hill, which I had heard referred to as Misery Hill, and which I believed, again, to be finally the summit, I began to wonder why I didn’t see anyone or top, or coming towards us
• When we reached the top, the plateau evened and I thought – ok it cannot be far
• That’s when I saw a huge open field of snow in front of me, with some huge mountain in the back
• And my confidence, my strength, my hopes, it all faded away
• Mt Shasta suddenly not only seemed far away, but also a goal I wouldn’t reach
• The day prior, when we were at base camp and practiced self arrest, we spoke to many of the fellow campers who came down mid-morning after their summit
• Saturday was much warmer and less windy and would have been a better day weather wise to summit, but we had agreed I needed to train and we both wanted to acclimatize
• There was one group that told us they reached 13K feet but then couldn’t go any further
• The elevation was getting to them, so they turned around
• I thought of them that moment, as I trudged across that wide field of snow, with the wind now blowing harder than ever, the smell of Sulphur in my nose, and my heart hurting from the effort it was exerting trying to get oxygen into my blood stream
• I said it – aloud – several times – I don’t think I can make it
• Luckily my partner couldn’t hear me – the wind was to loud
• Tears came to my eyes but I kept walking
• Slow as a snail – one foot in front of the other
  • Dehydrated but it was to cold to get the water out
  • No energy left, but no appetite to eat
• But I kept walking
• Darkness
• Self-inflicted darkness
• I thought of our car which seemed a million miles away
• Of my bed, which I didn’t think I would ever see again
• And I wondered why in the world I am undertaking such hair-brained adventures, when life at sea level is much more comfortable
• But all those thoughts went away when we ascended the true top of Mt Shasta
• I first still didn’t believe this was it
• There are mountain ranges everywhere and I looked around and thought that it still could be further
• But then the first people came towards us, and passed us and my partner said that this is it – he had been up there before
• And suddenly we were on top, along with 20 or so others
• The sun was shining, there was not nearly as much wind, and it was actually warm
• I was shaking, both from exhaustion and from the tears that came up from somewhere inside
• Darkness was gone – I had found light
  • Not just by reaching the top, where people talked about this and that as if we were somewhere in a café at sea level
  • But I had found light also within me because I kept going

It is necessary, while in darkness, to know that there is a light somewhere, to know that in oneself, waiting to be found, there is a light.

• We have to persevere
• No matter how strong and cold the winds blow on the outside
• No matter how difficult the challenges of life pull on us from the inside
• When we keep going –
• No matter how slow – and believe me – I have never walked so slowly in my life
• We will find light
• We will reach our summit
• We will find answers, solutions, resolution, a new path forward
• I choose darkness often in my life
• Not consciously
• I go into my climbing adventure with confidence, motivation and excitement
• But I often end up in darkness
• This weekend we climbed a route I had been wanting to climb for a long time
• It is a route in thought and had read about as the easiest on the entire wall
• And I had climbed several other routes on that wall
• I even considered leading it
• And yet, I came to a section that I just could not figure out
• I lost probably 10 minutes unable to get going
• I was about to cry
• I was in darkness
• And then there was someone there giving me some advise, showing me a different option and as I tried that other option, he even held my left foot so it wouldn’t slip
• And I made it
• Darkness – light
• At the moment I am trying to mend a relationship with someone who means a lot to me
• Every time I see a ray of light, it gets overshadowed by darkness again
  • Another disagreement
  • Another setback
  • A new issue we hadn’t discussed before
• I realize that many problems in life are not as straight-forward as the path to the summit
• There are many detours, many long stops, many circles we find ourselves caught in
• But I believe that all darkness has one thing in common
• And that is light
• There is light within the darkness
  • Sometimes we have to strain our eyes a little more to see the light
  • Sometimes we just keep walking, without thinking so much
  • And quite often, we have to let go of what we think the outcome should look like and become present with the now
• What the light reveals is danger, and what it demands is faith.”
• We discussed this last sentence of this quote quite a bit that morning with my group
• And there were many interpretations and some confusion
• Light is supposed to be something positive – why is there danger?
• James Baldwin wrote this during a time that was marked by segregation
• This could have many meanings
• But I see it this way for myself:
• When we see light – there might still be a long and dangerous way ahead of us
• Just because we find the light –
  • Because we know what we need to do
  • Because we see the path forward
• The work still needs to be done
• Risk, uncertainty, possible failure all may still come
• But we have to have faith and keep walking forward
• And this is what I wish you all today
• Have faith that your light is there, no matter how dark things may seem
• And have faith that you can get through the darkness to the light, no matter how long and how difficult the journey may be

• Much love