Episode 589 – Intimacy with Fear

• I think we all have been a bit worried during the last few months for various reasons
• A sense of uncertainty, lack of control, a disruption in our routines – our lifes have changed and change is often a reason we struggle
• In this episode we are getting cozy with our fears and our worries
• Because this, I have found thanks to a wonderful book, is the only way we can actually learn to work with them, instead of against them, as we often do
• Welcome back to another episode of QFY
• Its august – we are still in quarantine here in the US
• Sometimes I have to remind myself of this fact
• I am sitting here in my living room on a hot Saturday afternoon, babies crying nextdoor, the smell of BBQ wafting through my living room, but I am thankful for any breeze I can get, even when it comes with a scent I don’t particular care for anymore
• I went for an early morning hike with a friend and then we enjoyed some sun at the nearby beach
• Yesterday after working from my office for a few hours, I also went to the beach
• It’s a hot weekend and I finally gave in today and ordered a fan, after sleeping on my patio last night because my place was like a hothouse
• All this heat that I am not used to anymore has rendered my pretty much immobile, but at the same time I do get a lot of reading done
• And I mentioned to you a few weeks back that I find myself somewhat in a pause
• I am spending more time listening
• And reading is part of listening and learning
• Reading often feels unproductive to someone like me who likes to produce results
  • Who has podcasts episodes or a newsletter to work on
• But reading also replenishes me
• It gives me clarity on issues I may have been mulling over
• And most importantly – I learn something new
• I already shared some insight from recent books I read in past episodes
• but there has been one book that has accompanied me through the past few weeks like a wise friend
  • One of those people you only meet once in a blue moon
  • Only passing by, stopping for a short amount of time and leaving a lasting impression with the wisdom they shared
• Pema Chodron’s book When things fall apart has been this companion for me
  • It has grounded me when I was anxious
  • It has given me perspectives that I have never considered before
  • It has provided a vision for me, something to work and strive towards to knowing it will benefit me
• And I want to share some of the insights of this book with you today
  • And maybe even in future episodes
• Because things have fallen apart in a major way for all of us with this pandemic
• And while not all of us have suffered, we all have struggled with various aspects of this current situation
  • And I will share some of my battles with you later
• And I also know that even if we have struggled, most of us probably also benefited from this pandemic in certain ways, even if we are just saving more money by commuting and eating out less
• Yet I still think that the mere thought of what is happening is hard to grasp
  • This pandemic put a stop to the life we were used to longer than we thought
  • To the point that I think we are slowly getting used to it
  • And I know, if I ever have to commute again on a daily basis, I will struggle getting back to that routine that used to be so normal
• When change hits us, we all stumble – some of us longer than others
• Its normal
• Yet – I wish I had read this book 20 years ago, when I allowed myself to be pulled down by every little thing
  • An unexpected bill in the mail sent me into a tailspin
• And today I realize that I simply couldn’t deal with the uncertainty that came with the loss of control over the situation
• I suffered a lot in my life and most of that suffering was self-inflicted
  • Quite often it was just a regular life circumstances that brought a change I couldn’t deal with because I hadn’t planned on it
• To this day, this is one of the things I continue to work on
• Coming to this county has been good for me in this regard (and in many others) but especially for this work that I needed to do
• I always found people here more positive, more courageous, more at peace even when things fell apart than my German counterparts
• Watching people over the years just shrug their shoulders over something that would have sent me into a nervous frenzy has been a motivator for me to change myself
  • To not take every little thing so seriously
  • To just let it be and see what happens
  • And to relax and smile more along the way
• These and other pieces of advice have been shared with me over the years that I have lived here
  • In moments when I was freaking out again over some sort of perceived chaos
• Lets be real:
• I think this pandemic is the first real chaos most of us living now are experiencing
• Most of us grew up in peaceful times with a fair amount of stability
  • I say most – because I know some people have lived thru some serious hardship
• And even as I write this, I cant really get cozy with the word CHAOS
• My friend and I talked about it today on our hike
• Yes, there was the initial moment in March where we all were in a state of confusion for a few weeks, but life for most of us has settled into some form of normalcy
  • People eat their takeout food in their cars now but many restaurants are still cooking
  • The internet is full of people offering the services that we cannot get publicly anymore on a private basis – like haircuts, handyman work, childcare
  • People shop online instead of stores
  • People still buy cars, houses and make other major purchases and decisions you wouldn’t think are possible in a time of chaos
  • Unemployment claims are coming down
  • The stock market is booming
  • The beaches are packed on the weekends
  • Life goes on, despite the chaos
• Maybe we are ignoring it or maybe we just have learned to live it
• But the invisible virus is still affecting our life and can quickly change things for the beach-lover, the new home owner or the person that just landed a new job
• I still think chaos is present
  • I am reminded of it when I see boarded up shops and For-Lease signs in front of office buildings in my neighborhood
  • When I suddenly get to close to my hiking partner on the trail to hear something he said
  • Moments when I am reminded that something is off
• When I was in my empty office building yesterday for example – it feels surreal – like I am in some futuristic movie that I used to often watch back in the days when I still spent my weekends in front of the television
  • A place previously bustling with activity
  • Now empty
  • No coffee in the machine, no snacks or fruit put out
  • A layer of dust on my desk
• Chaos
• Uncertainty
• How much longer like this?
• Will we all be back here eventually, or will the company fold eventually?
  • Or something in between?
• Pema ends the introduction to her book with the following sentence:
• “Chaos should be regarded as extremely good news.”
• And with that she sets the tone of a work of wisdom that is grounded in Buddhist principles and that I find give me the HOW and the WHY behind all the good advice I have received over the years from my positive America friends
  • Relax
  • Take it easy
  • Don’t be so hard on yourself
  • Things will be ok
  • Everything always works out
  • Have patience
• Really?
• But how? Give me some assurance!
• Thanks to wise people like Pema, I have come to learn that the assurance I so desperately seek from the people that tell me to calm down, actually comes from within me
• And I am not a practicing Buddhist – I cant even sit still for a few minutes in meditation without checking email or writing out a grocery shopping list
• But I have found a lot of guidance in what began with quotes from monks and other famous spiritual teachers shared all over social media these days
  • Quotes that inspired to read and learn more
  • Quotes that made me order books like Pema’s from my local library

• And the most important lesson I have learned so far from Buddhist thinking and writing is that I need to stop battling with life
• Today I am more able to relax, as my friends have often advised me, because I have learned to accept situations as they are
• Accepting every moment as it is – this the first step, is the beginning for growth – at least it has been for me
• By analyzing what has kept me from accepting, I have come to see that my reason for fighting is often fear
  • Fear of the unknown
  • Fear of failure
  • Fear of loss of control
  • Fear of not making it somehow
• And this fear is often the reason for our erratic behaviors and emotions such as anger, jealousy, and stress
• And fittingly – the book begins with fear
• The title of this episode is also the title of the first chapter – intimacy with fear
• Instead of pushing fear away as we often do because we are afraid to admit to it – Pema encourages us to befriend fear –
• She says:
• “The next time you encounter fear, consider yourself lucky. This is where the courage comes in. Usually we think that brave people have no fear. The truth is that they are intimate with fear.”
• This quote made me think of my mostly stronger and more experienced climbing partners
• With all of them I have at some point been in situations that got a little tricky
  • One time I remember we couldn’t find the descent from a mountain.
  • Every section we tried was to steep and to dangerous
• And every time I recall situations like this one, I remember that my partners remained calm, collected, and focused
  • While I, as you can imagine, was freaking out on the inside
• Sometimes I asked them afterwards if they were not worried or scared that we would have to spend the night on a mountain
• And they all said YES but they also said they focused on finding a solution and that kept fear from gaining to strong of a voice
• They didn’t let fear get a hold of them
• This requires presence with the moment as it is
• One of my partners described it like this –
• He said that knowing he has to get us both off the mountain and that it was already getting late kept him very concentrated on finding the safest possible option, WHILE at the same time being very concerned
• It’s a balancing act – admitting fear is present, but not allowing it to immobilize us
  • Rather – dancing with it, allowing it to fuel our creativity and resourcefulness
• In the words of Pema:
• “If we commit ourselves to staying right where we are, then our experience becomes very vivid. Things become very clear when there is nowhere to escape.”
• On the mountain, when things get complicated, its easy to panic
• But as soon as I panic, I am not present anymore
• I am thinking about the future – what might happen – and I lose touch with this moment
  • Yes, this very moment is scary – but it also is an opportunity to step up and get creative
  • And – have you ever noticed how good it feels when you solve a unexpected problem?
  • When you finally find the correct way to get off the mountain – you pad yourself on the back for not giving up and for handling the situation in a calm and collected way
• I think we all have sensed this feeling of groundlessness when this pandemic started – its an experience we all share
• But if we think hard, we also experience it every time our life doesn’t go according to plan
  • When we run into issues in our relationships, wit colleagues or bosses at work or other people we interact with like doctors, clerks, service workers – for example

• Pema encourages us when she says:
• “The trick is to keep exploring and not bail out, even when we find out that something is not what we thought.”
• This is practicing presence
  • And meditation teaches us this presence
• Its accepting what is, what has happened and not hiding from it or fighting against it, as I often did
• I often call it Seeing what is
• Just as I watch a sunset, which I do often these days from my patio,
  • Watching how the colors change in minutes
  • Not knowing at all how it will play out but letting myself be surprised
• We can do the same with fear when it tried to get a grip on us
  • When your partner says or does something you didn’t expect
  • Or your boss emails with unsetting news
• Seeing what is – without judging it right away as good or bad
  • Without making assumptions, or decisions
• But by just hanging in there
  • Breathing into it
  • Seeing it for what it is
• I’ll give you another example:
• Every weekend I hope to be able climb
• But lately it hasn’t worked out, due to various reasons I wont bore you with
• So I go into every weekend with a lot of uncertainty
• And the more unclear my plans are come Thursday or Friday, the more nervous I get
• Or – used to
• These past weekends I have really practiced this presence with fear and with the unknown
• I have just sat with the fact that I don’t know how the weekend will play out
• And instead of my normal frenzy – grasping for certainty by texting everyone to see if they can go climbing with me –
• And I decided to wait
• Relax into the moment
• Sit with this uncertainty and see what it wants to tell me
• And interesting things have happened when I do this
• For one – I noticed that plans made themselves – without my usual pushing and controlling
• I was never stuck without anything to do and even if, like this afternoon or tomorrow
  • I find a strange sense of peace
• I recall a recent Sunday I was without plans, sitting on the edge, worried I would be depressed
• But then a good friend came in from out of town whom I had not seen since Covid started
• And we enjoyed a nice long hike together where we caught up and rekindled our friendship
• Don’t get me wrong –
• The fear is always still there, sitting in the background
• Just looking at climbing pictures on IG for example will give me anxiety again
  • Especially if my friends are in the pictures
  • But then I learned – I may not be able to control my weekend – but I can control how I feel and the things that pull me down
  • And I started to reduced my social media consumption
  • Voila – I already feel better
• The fear is still there, the anxiousness – it probably never really goes away –
  • What will I do next weekend?
  • What if I lose my job at the end of this year?
  • What if the economy tanks
  • What if my friend gets mad at me again because of something stupid I said?
  • What if my mom falls and hurts herself and I am so far away – what do I do?
• If I am really honest with myself – I see that I have so many fears, I cant even list them all
• But the more I face them, look at them, and just hold their gaze, the less afraid I am
• Just saying them out loud here helps me
• And I think this makes a great journaling exercise that you may want to try
  • Start with one fear
  • Write it out
  • And then free-write on it
  • What worries you
  • Why and how do you experience this worry
  • What happens when you think about it?
  • Write whatever comes to mind
• I think this is a great first step to coming intimate with fear
• Welcome it
• Greet it – hi – there you are
• Sit down, lets talk
• And then do just that – talk with it

• And let yourself be inspired by the following quote from that first chapter in When things fall apart:
• “In fact, anyone who stands on the edge of the unknown, fully in the present without reference point, experiences groundlessness. That’s when our understanding goes deeper, when we find that the present moment is a pretty vulnerable place and that this can be completely unnerving and completely tender at the same time.”
• Not knowing whats next
  • When I will be able to climb again
  • How much longer I will have a job
  • Insert your worry here – whatever may be troubling you I your life at the moment
• Being vulnerable starts by being honest with ourselves
• But then its followed by not jumping into some forced action, or freaking out, grasping for safety
• But staying with it
• Seeing what this state of affairs has to teach us
• And often there is something
• My grasping is always because I want safety, security and control
• I don’t want to spend the weekend in my apartment – I want to get out
• And even without climbing plans – I have been outside every weekend
• Once I figured out that the fear is not just based on not being able to climb, but on not getting out at all, I was then able to open myself up to other possible activities
  • Like a hike in a nearby park, which makes me happy just as well
• Being honest and admitting this groundlessness is hard
• But I also find it exhilarating
• Because I am giving the moment an opportunity to show me something I haven’t seen before
  • To learn more about myself
  • What drives me
  • What pushes me
  • What hurts me
• Another quote from the chapter on fear:
• “Like all explorers, we are drawn to discover whats waiting out there without knowing yet if we have the courage to face it.”
• Love this
• As someone who has explored mountains without knowing what would await me, I can only say YES
• Its worth it
  • Its worth facing the uncertainty without knowing where it will take us
  • Its worth standing on shaking ground to see whats really underneath
• This is Intimacy with fear – the search to see where our fears are coming from by inviting them in
• Only by getting face to face with them do we understand them better
• And then they wont have the power over us anymore that they used to have
• As Pema says:
• “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”

Wishing you much love and a more presence in your life as you make friends with your fears

Until next time