Episode 597 – We need civility

• Welcome back to QFY
• If this is your first time listening, thank you for stopping by
• Quest for you is my podcast created to help you create that connection with yourself
  • Maybe you never felt like you had it, like me
  • For most of my life, I just kind of wandered along
  • Until I realized that life is not just happening to me, but that I can make my life happen for me
• And on this podcast we talk about how to establish this connection
• For me, this happens in 4 phases
• And if you go to the podcast page on my website questforyou, you see that I have categorized my episodes into those 4 phases
  • We begin by reflecting on topics that catch our attention
    • Meditation for example, is on many people’s mind, maybe even on yours
  • And because we hear about mediation a lot these days, we may feel inspired enough to learn more
    • We read a book about mediation for example
  • And then we might be ready to try it out, and we look for direction – How do I meditate
  • Once we have what we need – the tools, the instructions, the idea –
  • Then we might take action and we give meditation a try
• Mediation is only one of hundreds of topics I have covered in my last almost 600 episodes
• I focus on skills, behaviors and tactics that help me become a better human being
  • And that I believe can help all of us become better humans
• And I realized that this change, this transformation starts within
  • And not on the outside – with more money, a better job, or a bigger house – as I believed for most of my life
  • Those things feel good – for a while
  • But soon we are hunting again for more
• But there is a deep sense of fulfillment I have noticed when I direct my energy towards me
• This is the simple process of reflection
• where I can begin to notice what needs changing
• I read the following in a newsletter James Clear send out weekly and I love it

“Reading can teach you the best of what others already know.

Reflection can teach you the best of what only you can know.”

• The goal of my podcast is to get you to start reflecting
• Some of my topics are geared just towards that
• Others may inspire you, get you excited, will want you do investigate more
  • I may share a book review that could inspire you to pick up the same book or learn more about the author
• Some episodes offer clear direction
  • Take these 3 steps
• And other topics are examples on how to take action
• Mediation, for example is a tool for my monkey mind to calm down
  • But Its not the only one
• On this podcast I share what helps me to be my best – and that covers a variety of topics
  • I have talked about how to set goals,
  • I sometimes, although rarely talk about food and exercise
  • I may share something that inspires me, like a poem or a book I have read
  • I may give you specific ideas and tips on how to become a better friend
• It’s a journey – A quest
• Some steps on this journey may not resonate with you, but I hope others will
• And lately my quest has been more difficult, leading me to fall behind on my episodes
• But I have reflected (hint hint) on this silence and I discovered yet again that this podcast means so much to me, that I want to be here to help you be your best,
• All of which requires that I show up for you
• There are thousands of podcasts out there, and I listen to quite a few
• Most of them are interviews and I love interviews
  • I do some myself
• But interviews often don’t go past inspiration
  • I rarely take action based on an interview I heard
  • I may have learned something new, which is great
  • I may even tell a friend about it
  • But I often don’t spend a lot of time reflecting on those episodes or trying something out that the person shared during the interview
• Where I believe my podcast is different is that its personal and action-oriented
• My examples may not always connect with you
• But I usually provide a takeway you can apply to your own life
  • Something you can reflect upon, maybe read more about, and maybe even experiment with
• I share what has worked for me, or what I am currently working on
• And this podcast helps me as well to continue this inner work
• Needless to say, since I have neglected this podcast, I have also fallen behind on my own quest for me
• In order to produce episodes, I need to spend time reflecting
• And it has been hard – as I am sure you are experiencing in your own life as well
• So – I say – lets continue
• I want to be here with at least one episode per week for you
• And almost 600 episodes have been completed
• So there is plenty to listen to for you
• Just start digging
• I don’t know what episode 601 -700 will look like
• I am contemplating making a few changes going forward
• But I haven’t decided yet what those changes will be
• Mostly because I haven’t had the time to reflect
• For now, I just want to focus on showing up

• This week was election day –
• Let me tell you – the week felt heavy – tension still is in the air
• And I hope once we have the results finalized, it will feel a bit better
  • Although I am not confident about that
• I sent out my bi-weekly newsletter on Election Day where I reflected on elections
  • If you are not a subscriber, I encourage you to sign up
  • I get a lot of feedback from current subscribers that it adds value to their lives
• There is a section in my newsletter that is titled – one action we can take together
• And I mentioned a word, which is also an action, that has been on my mind for a while now
• Don’t worry, I will not get political in this episode
  • I can’t even vote
  • But I did follow these 2020 elections closer than any other before
  • And I have been in this country for a few of them already so I have been through my share of them
• There has been a lot of motivation on the media to get everyone to Vote this year
  • More than I have ever seen before
• But what I haven’t seen much of, was motivation to show up as our best selves
• In fact, what I see is often far from our best
• And this is why I want to talk about the elections today
  • Not in a political way
  • Not in a partisan way
• But in a human way –
• Because I am concerned about what I see now, and I am even more concerned about what I will see once the results come out
  • Listening to an NPR podcast the other day confirmed that I am not the only one concerned
  • People all over this country are stocking up on guns – and that’s worrisome
• there is one word that stands out for me and that I want to dedicate this Election episode to
• Civility
• What is it –
  • It means curtesy,
  • It means respect
  • And it means graciousness
  • At its essence – civility means being polite
  • Its an action word – encouraging us to show our best behavior
• And I think with everything that is going on – both online and on the streets
• We all need a friendly reminder to be more polite with one another
• And this reminder is especially important in times when our leaders don’t exhibit it
  • And especially in the coming weeks may not exhibit it
• But that does not give us an excuse to be equally uncivil
• Instead it needs to motivate us to do better
• It needs to incentivize us to not follow the same lead, but to look for what is right
• How do I see civility being lived?
• Take a look around – on television, in social media, maybe even in your own family and friend circle
  • Do we listen to one another?
  • Do we respect opinions that are different from ours?
  • Or do we assume we have the superior answer to everything?
  • And how do we treat each other?
  • Online its easy to fire off whatever statements sound cool – but would we say what we write also in person, into someone’s face?
  • Highly unlikely
  • Somehow the internet has lowered the barriers for speaking our mind
  • And sadly it has given us indirect permission to be rude, hurtful, and disrespectful
• Where is our respect for other human beings who think differently?
• How do we treat people with opinions that don’t match ours?
  • Or if they are disrespectful, whats our response?
• If they are making a mistake, how do we react?
  • What names do we call them under our breath?

• There is a major difference between disagreement and disrespect
• And I think we have begun to mix the 2
• We can disagree with one another, but we should always respect one another
• Someone can screw up, do something wrong, have a different take, but we don’t have to become mean and angry
• The other day I went for an early morning walk and forgot my mask
  • Hardly anyone out there at 7am
• But there was a father with his son and another child in a stroller
• I made a loop around them since I didn’t have my mask, but he still angrily yelled at me to keep distance
• I was so shook-up by it for the remainder of the day
• I felt bad , but at the same time my distance was plenty
• Why do we have to be so mean to each other?
• Is it fear?
• Or is it false courage – we know we can?
• Or has it just become to difficult to make an extra effort to be nice?
  • Because that is what it takes when someone thinks or acts differently
• It requires just abit of extra effort to not model their behavior
• To not let loose with our emotions
• But to try to control ourselves a bit
• We are mixing difference with disrespect
• And we are confusing division with dislike
• Different opinions, behavior that may be out of line, wrong information – its part of our makeup as a society
• Its what makes us diverse
• But I feel like we don’t know how to handle it anymore
  • Whatever the reasons my be – fear, over-confidence, no more patience ?
• Our response to the world that is out of line has become more out of line
  • Riots, looting, shaming, name-calling
  • And a general unacceptance of The Other – people who are different from us
• These are signs of a society that has lost respect for one another
• Maybe we don’t value diverse community anymore
  • Since it has become so much easier to connect with people that think like us
• I have never been really interested in politics
• But during these elections, I made an effort to learn more – about both sides
• I listened to podcasts from the left and the right
• I didn’t agree with a lot of what I heard
• But yet – I still listened with curiosity and I learned the issues that are important to each side
• And this then helped me understand the people that vote for either side better
• In 2016 when Trump was first elected, I travelled to Kentucky frequently for work
• And in my work meetings with the team there, there was initially this awkward silence when the topic of elections came up
• Until I asked them openly what they hoped to gain from Trump as a president
• As someone who is almost exclusively surrounded by liberals, I was genuinely curious
• And the result – they opened up
  • We had very interesting conversations
  • I learned a ton
• Before, all I knew was that they voted for Trump – but I didn’t know what motivated them
• By listening and asking questions – I learned to understand what their needs and their were
• And my empathy for them only increased
• I live in a different state, my life circumstances are different –
• Its easy to judge others, but its much harder to understand an emphasize with them
• And let me repeat:
• I don’t have to agree with them, but I can be civil
• I can be polite and make a concerted effort to understand what matters to them
• Why don’t we do this more often when we sense that there is a divide?
  • When we find ourselves feeling strongly about something
  • ‘or in the middle of an argument
• Why don’t we first try to understand the other side a bit more?
• I think we assume
  • We assume people are just like us
  • We assume people understand what we understand
  • Have the same needs and interests as us
• And as such we cannot put ourselves into the shoes of others anymore
  • We don’t even make an effort

• This is from an article on NPR:
• “Civility is the baseline of respect that we owe one another in public life,” says Keith Bybee, the author of How Civility Works.“And when people talk about a crisis in civility, they usually are reporting their sense that there is not a shared understanding of what that baseline of respect ought to be.”
• The baseline of respect
• The minimum we can do – to be polite
• To me being polite starts with listening
  • I am good at interrupting – and the moment I do it, I quite often bite my tounge because I know its not respectful
• And after listening, after showing some interest and curiosity –
  • we can politely disagree – not yell or attack
  • We can politely refuse to accept the answer – not to shame or minimize the person with degrading names
  • We can politely raise our voice and speak what’s right – without harming anyone or anything,
• Civility doesn’t mean absence of conflict, disagreements, mistakes
• Civility is a response that sees and respects the person first
• And then civility focuses on the issue that needs changing – not the person who is different
• Civility – because it requires more effort on our part, especially when a topic is raised that feel strongly about – is also a good reminder that change begins with us
• So let me bring this home and remind all of us
• It doesn’t matter who wins this election,
• What matters is how we behave and act
• How we treat each other as humans – red, blue, green, brown, white or black or purple
• And that to me starts with civility
• And if we can remember to always be civil – no matter what the world or the incoming or outgoing president does,
  • Then we will understand that a better world begins with us
• So let me ask you:
  • How will you show up once the results are finalized?
  • What can you do to improve our communities, no matter who sits in the white house?

Much love