Over the years I have made friends with statements like –

• You can’t control circumstances
• You cannot change other people
• Don’t believe everything you think
• And many more

And I really mean it when I say I made friends with these phrases. I would invite them into my house every time I needed and remembered them. When people did me wrong. When events I had hoped for fell apart. When a conversation hurt my feelings and I replayed it in my mind over and over. Deep in my heart, I knew that the only person I have control over is myself. That includes my thoughts and my feelings about anyone and everything.

But I still suffer.  When climbing plans fall through and I “have to” spend the weekend at home alone, I suffer. Byron Katie in her book “Loving what is” taught me that there is a way out. Or better, it’s a way in. Instead of beating myself up over my thoughts, over my inadequacies, she teaches me to meet them with understanding. She calls the process Inquiry, and I love that word. Its gentle. Its kind. Its investigative and friendly. Not harsh like “stop thinking these thoughts, Janine.” She has taught me to be kind, to examine, to wonder, to reconsider. And here is how:

Any thought that causes suffering can be investigated with four questions;

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react, what happens when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without that thought?

Then you do a turnaround on the thought. There are multiple ways to do that, but you basically state the opposite of the thought (he doesn’t vs he does, or, she isn’t vs I am not) and find examples of where that could be true. Katie says “Can you give yourself the medicine that you have been prescribing to others?” Boom.

I have learned to let go of blaming others of the years pretty well, I believe. My issues are my thoughts about myself. I am very good at blaming myself, beating myself up, buffering (not feeling my feelings), etc.

“Loving what is” all about loving what is, saying yes to everything in our life, even the unpleasant moment, even the moments that were not planned, the unexpected moments, the failures, the bad news, the silence. I have spent so much of my life resisting what is and trying to create something different than what is. My planning and organizing skills come in very handy when it’s time to control the outcome.

Katie challenges us to accept everything.  She says about herself “I am a lover of what is, not because I am a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.” And doing so creates suffering, tension and frustration. “No one can hurt me. That’s my job.” I really came to understand this during my coach training when I had countless opportunities to coach others. Everyone, including myself,  carries self-destructive thoughts like “I am not worthy,” or, “I am not smart / pretty / skinny enough” and so many more. Somewhere along the way we adopted these painful beliefs that are now running our life. The truth is –  no one can hurt us unless we believe what they’re saying; unless we find truth in what they’re saying and accept what they’re saying. Otherwise, it has no power over us.

“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but the attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering.” Her book is filled with examples of her doing The Work with others. And everyone has attached to something they believe Should Be.

• He should be nicer to me.
• She should help with the bills.
• My back shouldn’t hurt

I am with the program. I get it.  We cannot control what’s outside of us. But what gets me every time is the turnaround.

• I should be nicer to me
• She shouldn’t help with the bills
• My back should hurt.

You need to read the book to fully comprehend these turnarounds, but I am floored by how much truth I often find in my own examples. Why? Because when I turn the pain around to me, I can actually change something. I can be kinder. I can just pay the bills and stop suffering over someone not doing something. I can accept my back pain and then do something about it.  I find that with the turnaround comes acceptance and peace. “When you do The Work, you see who you are by seeing who you think other people are. Eventually you come to see that everything outside you is a reflection of your own thinking.“

As I read this book I noticed that I spend a lot time looking for what’s wrong in my life or with the lives of others, or with the universe in general. We are all constantly complaining – I see this on Nextdoor, in the news, and by talking to my neighbors. Katie reminds us to Stay in our own business. What others should do, that’s their business. What the weather should do is God’s business. I love that. “The next time you’re feeling stress or discomfort, ask yourself whose business you’re in mentally, and you may burst out laughing.” So true. We think we can control the weather by getting upset about it. Have done it many times.  Remember that the only space where you really have any control is in your own business, and that’s where you’re going to feel the most empowered.

In the end, her book boils down to the very simple idea that our thinking is all we need to change. It’s all we can change and that is very good news for someone like me, who has spent so much of her life trying to control the world and trying to change everyone and how they treat me and trying to get them to act differently, that finally I can say – I am done. Intellectually I know it doesn’t work, thanks to over 40 years of trying, and now I am also relieved to know that its not necessary to spend my energy this way. Instead I can learn how to change my thinking and I know how to do that. It’s not what’s happening outside of me. It’s not what’s happening in the world. It’s what’s happening between my ears. My brain is causing all the trouble. “Where there is no thought, there’s no problem.” Something can happen and it’s not a problem until we have a thought about it. Without any thought, there is no problem. Let that sink in. Is your weight really a problem or are your thoughts making it a nightmare for you?

To take it a step further (and this is what I now work through with clients in my coaching sessions) is that negative feelings are caused by thoughts and we have the ability to change those thoughts. Our thoughts are really affecting how we experience the world and how we experience ourselves. Suffering is always optional. When we suffer, it’s an alarm, a reminder that we need to go and see what’s going on in our brain; that it’s time to do some inquiry.

I highlighted so much in this book and could write about it for days. But I’ll just leave a few more quotes at the end for you to take in. This book is magic. It has affected how I coach myself and others. If you take just one thing away from this post, let it be the simple question “Is it true?” Take it with you into your world, and when something in your mind causes you stress, begin inquiry with those three words “IS IT TRUE?”

• “Did you have a foot before you thought of it? Where was it? When there is no thought there is no foot. When there’s no thought of death, there’s no death.”
• “Nothing ever goes wrong in life. Life is heaven, except for our attachment to a story that we haven’t investigated.”
• “The world is as you perceive it to be.”
• “Its no wonder that when we blame others for our insanity, we feel bad. We’ve been looking outside us for our own peace. We’ve been looking in the wrong direction.”
• “The truth is prior to every story. And every story, prior to investigation, prevents us from seeing what’s true.”
• “Arguing with reality means arguing with the story of a past.”
• “How can you be most effective in this moment, given that what is is?”
• “Q: How can I live in the Now? A: you do. You just haven’t noticed.”

Give The Work a try and let me know what insights you are getting about yourself.