Episode 585 – Above the line

• When I heard Jim Dethmer speak on a podcast about the concept of leading from above the line, I had to know more
• Lets dive into this valuable strategy than can help all us come from a place of love and peace more often

• Welcome to Quest For You
  • I am grateful you are here
  • I created this podcast to help you connect more with yourself
  • I have found that a life lived according to what everyone else says I should do is a limited life
  • Only when I began to get in touch with myself – the Quest for ME – is when I discovered a more authentic life
  • And my wish is that by listening to me you will start to listen more to yourself

• I recently learned about a very interesting concept and I have been thinking about for a couple of weeks now
• In fact, every time I find myself getting anxious about something, I am thinking about it
• So I thought, it might be worth sharing
• Because I find it really helpful, and maybe you want to give this a try
• I don’t know if Jim Dethmer came up with it, but I heard him speak about it and since have read more about it, mostly on his website called Conscious Leadership
• He teaches this concept as part of his leadership training with corporations but I think it applies to all of life, not just when we are leading others
• Because, when you think about it –
• We always lead
  • We lead our own lives, and
  • We lead other in our life by the example we set for them with our actions
• And a lot times, we lead quite unintentionally
  • My words and reactions while waiting in a long line in front of the grocery store set an example to the strangers around me
  • with my words on this podcast, I set an example to all my listeners
  • and even when I am home alone – I decide every minute how I am leading my life
• Whether we notice it or not – we always lead
• And its often with the people that we most love that we don’t set the example we actually want to set
• And this is where Jim’s concept can help us
• It helps us become more conscious with where we are, at any given time
• And for the most part –
  • We are always either above the line or below the line
• When I think about the officer who killed George Floyd, I see an extreme example of leading from below the line
• When we come from a place below the line –
• We come from a place of contraction – meaning we are closed, defensive, and we want to prove we are right
• The cop exemplified for the entire world what an extreme version of below the line looks like
• But most of our life is much subtler, and in fact, most of the time, we come from that place
• I had an email exchange with a friend the other day where he admitted to being wrong 95% of the time, but asked me to own my 5%
• At first that sounded pretty generous, but it didn’t make me feel a whole lot better
• Because at the end of the day – we are still on opposing sides of the divide – battling over right and wrong
• Coming from below the line
• Have you ever noticed, that when you come from below the line – you never really come to a place of harmony?
• Its as if something is always in between you and the other person – that doesn’t seem be surmountable
• I can think of many conflicts in my life that were never resolved because we both came from below the line
  • Those are the moments you talk, but you really just talk past one another
  • Because we both come from a place where we want to be right
  • We feel threated in our sense of security and we want approval and acknowledgement from the other person
• Long time ago I had asked my roommate to move some things of his out of a cabinet that was in my part of the apartment
• It hadn’t bothered me for the first couple of years, but as I acquired more climbing and camping year, I needed a place to store it
• He resisted it initially, and I had to insist on needing that space and having a right to it
• Eventually he moved his things out, but it left a sour taste in my mouth
• I felt less welcome and in his way
• And, I began to notice, now that I purchase more pantry items than before, that also in the kitchen he occupies more of the cabinet space
• But for the longest time – I didn’t say anything
• Yesterday, out of nowhere, I announced to my roommate that he occupied 70% of the kitchen cabinet space
• I clearly came from below the line
• It was passive-aggressive
• I just wanted to make a point
• My roommate remained calm and said he would have appreciated a different approach
• He could have easily become defensive
• And somehow that’s what I expected
• He said that he didn’t know I needed more space and offered that we both work together on cleaning out old and unused items from the cabinets to make more space overall
• Clearly – he was above the line
• When we come from above the line, we show openness, curiosity and an interest to understand and learn from the situation
  • We are present, available, and in a state of trust
• Sometime we refer to it as the high road
• And that’s the one he took this time
• And not just that – he immediately went to work and cleaned out a shelf for me
• Even though I didn’t request that
• He came from a place of compassion and understanding for my needs, even though I didn’t express them appropriately
• Our content of life is what is occurring every day
• My roommate was watching TV when I made the announcement by shouting from the kitchen
• I added new content to his life
• When we encounter new, oftentimes challenging content, Jim recommends we ask ourselves to also add context
• Often we just respond to the content of our life
• But by adding context, we can actually shift that response to a better one
• And by asking ourselves where we are with the content that is happening, we mindfully locate ourselves
• So, before shouting out to my roommate my mathematical analysis of the kitchen occupation percentage, I could have easily asked:
• Where am I?
•            above or below the line
• This requires a quick moment of pause
• I am asking myself:
• How do I want to be with this content,
  • the fact that my stuff is all cramped into 2 cabinets and his is neatly organized across 5 cabinets?
• What context am I giving to the situation that is occurring?
• Simply ask yourself the question when you find that the content of your life occurring is giving you some trouble
• Where am I?
• I started doing this more frequently now
• Every time I tense up a little, maybe because some news unsettles me, or I feel I am getting frustrated about an issue
• I quickly imagine the line
• In fact I imagine it going through my body, right below the navel
• Above the navel is my heart
• And I know when I come from my heart, I come from a place of love and compassion
• It’s a quick pause that allows us to reframe a situation
• It’s a moment to become more present with ourselves instead of just going along with emotions
• Where are you right now?
  • With the Virus situation
  • With the George Floyd shooting and the question of racism
  • Or with challenges at home, with your family, with a partner, a close friend?
• Where are you?
  • Above or below the line
• Jim says that our human tendency is that we always look for threats in our environment and respond reactively
• Hence, we predominantly come from a place below the line
• This simple question of locating ourselves brings awareness to this reactive loop we are in
• Which, usually comes from a place of not feeling good enough
  • Something most of us experience
• When we don’t feel there is enough love or time or resources, we come from a place of lack
• As humans, we share the desire for approval, control, security
• To some degree we all want to feel approved of, safe and secure
• And when those needs are met, we can easily find ourselves below the line
  • In a resistance mode
  • Seeking that approval by insisting on being right
  • And defensive towards others
• This state of mind can easily be detected when pause and ask ourselves where we are
• Yesterday with my roommate – I felt right, and I wanted to be right
• In your next disagreement with another person
• Ask yourself – where are you
• There is a neat video on Jim’s website that explains this concept well and I will link to it in my shownotes
• I really suggest you watch it as it explains especially the below the line part very well and with illustrations that help you understand it
• It shows that much of the conflict with others arises simply because we are coming from below the line
• Now
• The point of asking ourselves where we are is not so we can beat ourselves up about it
• Its so normal to below the line that we simply need to accept it
• This question is there so we can become mindful to it
• And once we are noticing where we are, and where we might be heading – we have the opportunity to change
• This is key
• The content hasn’t changed
• There might be a difficult situation you are facing at the moment
• But are you willing to change the context, meaning how you show up for it?
• A question I ask myself a lot, especially when I see that I cannot control the sitation even if I wanted to, is
• What can I learn here?
• This brings me to a state of openness
• And this then takes me above the line
• Mind you
• This is not the same as taking all the fault and blaming yourself
• This just means you are open to the lessons that the sitation may be teaching you
• With my roommate
• I quite clearly learned that next time I am uneasy with how fair something might be, I can simply ask
• Asking, my friends, is the best tool I know of that catapults you above the line
• Something may hurt because it threatens you sense of safety
• And you don’t know how to change that feeling
• Ask a question
• Asking shows you are open to learn
• Ask for clarification
• Ask for an example
• Ask the person to explain something better
• Ask yourself – what can I do differently here
• Questions open us up
• They change our state of mind from defense to acceptance
• So lets review the steps that can help us go from below the line to above the line
  • Next time a situation or person or circumstance gets you tangled up –
  • Start by

1. Pause and ask Where Am I?
   • This immediately will bring you into the present moment
   • Maybe do as I do – imagine the line across your body
   • Your heart is above the line
   • I may even touch it and ask
   • Am I in my heart?
   • And if not – how can I get there?

• The second question is key for me:

2. How do I want to show up here?
   • Given this content I am presented with, how do I want to be ?
   • This is the question of choice
   • And let me tell you – I sometimes consciously decide to stay below the line
   • I thought about it, and wanted to be more loving, but I just coulnt
   • So I stayed below the line and responded in some unkind way
   • It happens
   • But most of the time, this is the moment where I reconsider my responses
   • And even if I cannot come up with the best action possible, I often just
3. Ask a question
   • I do this with myself
   • Remember we talked about that we are often in conflict with ourselves as well, not just with others
   • This process helps me
   • Before I become a victim
   • Before I go down to far on the downward spiral
   • I may ask
   • What can I learn here?
   • Or
   • How can I reframe the situation into something that isnt hurting me?
   • What is a different story

• This is a really useful tool when you are waiting
  • Waiting for someone to respond to you
  • Waiting for the virus to go away
  • Waiting for a answer or resolution of some sort
• We can get really defensive and negative when we are alone with our thoughts
• This locating myself has helped me find myself again and become more present with the Janine I want to be
• And I hope it helps you as well

https://conscious.is/video/locating-yourself-a-key-to-conscious-leadership

Much love