Episode 591 – When things fall apart

• When things fall apart
  • When life throws more obstacles our way than we think we can handle –
• We tend to think that answers are far away, are complicated, expensive, unclear, and so on
• Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron however, offers a message that contains a simple answer that, after this episode, we all can practice applying a bit more in our lives

• Welcome back to another episode of QFY
  • My podcast to help you become your best self
• If you have been wondering – yes – my episodes have been sporadic
• Regular Mo-We-Fri episodes have not been possible for me for a few weeks now,
• But my goal is to be here for you at least with one episode per week, and if I can, 2, consistently
  • One of them being an quest story like the one I shared in my previous episode with Sarah Germany, one that you should not miss
• As I am on my own quest to be the best version of myself, listening is an important part and conversations like the one Sarah and I had help me grow more into my purpose
• So I want to continue to bring you stories like hers as much as possible
• When COVID shut all of us down, many of the people I follow via their blogs and podcasts began to share their favorite books
• A – because there seemed to be more time available for people to read
• And B – we needed material that could help us make sense of this unprecedented time
• And there was one book that was recommended by almost everyone
• Pema Chodron’s book When things fall apart
• And I ordered it form the library but it was backordered – because so many people had requested
• So I didn’t read this book until now
• During July and August it came with me via my ipad on my climbing trips
  • I read it during those languid weekday afternoon hours – when work was done and I felt tired, sometimes exhausted and unmotivated for my evening workout
  • And I turned to it every time when the world threw more questions at me that seemed to add to the already many others I couldn’t answer.
• I actually thought that, by the time the book was finally available, we would be through this pandemic and I wouldn’t be in such dire need anymore
• But who knew?
• Since I finished it, I have been going back to it again and again, seeking advice, seeking grounding, seeking a reminder to help myself sort my thoughts and find myself again
• And the lesson is simple, and always the same, yet I forget it every time some new obstacle comes my way
  • Because I am so used to solving all my problems
  • To finding solutions, and figuring things out
• Something I have not been able to do much lately because things have fallen apart on the scale that’s larger than me
  • A virus affecting all earthlings at the same time
  • Racial and social issues
  • Environmental problems
  • And an economy that has suffered its greatest setback in history
• Things have fallen apart
• Things are falling apart as we speak
• And I am certain more things are going to fall apart
• But as I reflect on this – I also know
• Things have always fallen apart
• For many of us, however, we have quite often been in a position to glue them back together
• Now – we are much less in control
• And this is where Pema offers an answer:

“Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”

• So much truth here
  • Checking things off a list
  • Getting minor issues resolved
• It feels so good – doesn’t it?
  • Finally landing that big job we’ve been dreaming of
  • Getting the house or apartment that is perfect
  • Meeting someone who appears to be our soulmate
• It feels like we’ve arrived
• But when I look back at my life – the many times I thought I have arrived – the real journey just started
  • My house, my marriage, my degrees, my jobs – all just led to something else

the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart

• for a while things look like they came together
  • then they spin out of control
  • or they don’t work out
  • or a new problem arises
• we never really arrive
• and this can be a grounding realization
• not arriving doesn’t mean there wont be solutions, or resolutions
• we just have to understand that those won’t bring safety, security and happiness for the rest of our life
  • they are just another step in the journey
• knowing this helps me in that I grasp less intensely for a certain outcome
• it puts me in a state of “wait and see”
• it also relaxes me and allows me to be more open for anything to come, not just one specific answer that I have in mind
  • i cant help but think of past relationships that, when they got shaky, I always tried to manage and stir them into a certain direction
  • there was a problem and I was set on fixing it
• this never really gave me the chance to investigate what the problem might be revealing to me
• the potential other solutions, which I could see, because I only saw one

The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy

• its one of the easiest things for me to grasp – intellectually – but its one of the hardest things for me to translate into action
• I like control over my life
  • We all do to a certain extend
• But when chaos hits, like it has here recently in all of our lives
• When things are falling apart
• The answer is the same – to stay with the uncertainty
• This quote describes it well

“Life is a good teacher and a good friend. Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it. Nothing ever sums itself up in the way that we like to dream about. The off-center, in-between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don’t get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit. It’s a very tender, nonaggressive, open-ended state of affairs. To stay with that shakiness—to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge—that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic—this is the spiritual path.”

• Relaxing in the midst of chaos sounds counterproductive
• But I think again of my time in the mountains
• When things get tough or out of hand, only a calm and relaxed mind will give me the clarity and strength I need to get safely out of whatever situation I am in
• The issue is that we are not used to so much uncertainty
• Our modern lives give us so much control
• Even in the midst of this pandemic – most of us are still able to work, to exercise, to maintain social contact, and keep a sense of normalcy
  • Because we have the technology to do so
• I remember stories from my grandmother from the war
  • They lost everything,
  • They had to leave their homes and start over somewhere new
  • Things for them truly came to an end and the future was highly uncertain
• This is not the case for most of us right now
• Yet it may feel like it
• So Pema’s wisdom has grounded me again
• She has helped me realize that I can’t control everything
• And that I need to be able to live with not always knowing what is next
• Here are a few examples for me:
  • There could be a long line in front of Trader Joes or not – but whatever it is – relax and accept it
  • The weekend plans may fall apart depending on the air quality in the mountains due to wildfires – and that’s ok – it is what it is
  • My job may go away soon – breathe – relax – something else will take its place
• What are examples from your life that cause you uncertainty
  • That make you want to run and make a plan B, a backup plan, a just-in-case?
  • Like I want to do in all these 3 examples
• Write them out in your journal or just think about them
• What uncertain right now for you?
• Whats difficult?
• And how can you accept that difficulty, that uncertainty
  • Not excusing everything
  • Not not caring about it
• But simply taking a deep breath and accepting it as part of your life at this moment

 “It all comes through learning to pause for a moment, learning not to just impulsively do the same thing again and again. It’s a transformative experience to simply pause instead of immediately filling up the space. By waiting, we begin to connect with fundamental restlessness as well as fundamental spaciousness.
The result is that we cease to cause harm. We begin to know ourselves thoroughly and to respect ourselves.”

• With “not causing harm” she means the following:

“Not causing harm requires staying awake. Part of being awake is slowing down enough to notice what we say and do. The more we witness our emotional chain reactions and understand how they work, the easier it is to refrain. It becomes a way of life to stay awake, slow down, and notice.”

• And with this my friends, I think we also have an answer to our questions of uncertainty
  • Instead of worrying,
  • Instead of doing doing doing
  • Instead of feeling helpless and not knowing what to do
• We can work on ourselves
• Right here, in this moment of time, we all can begin the important work of becoming awake to not only the what is happening around us, but also to ourselves
• Life is the perfect teacher, as Pema points out
• And if we just take that small reminder with us into each new day, whatever the outside circumstances may be, I think this will keep us quite awake
• Because then we will seek the lessons
• We will begin to reflect more
• We will try to be a better human
• And this is the work that ultimately also helps resolve the bigger issues we face and may feel so helpless about

“Relaxing with the present moment, relaxing with hopelessness, relaxing with death, not resisting the fact that things end, that things pass, that things have no lasting substance, that everything is changing all the time—that is the basic message.”

• It is
• It’s the answer to what to do when things fall apart
• And its what I want to leave you with today
• Maybe this is enough for you to reflect upon
• Or maybe you have become more curious and what to dive deeper into these topics
• Then I cannot recommend her book enough
• It will probably be a book I read again and again
• And if you wondering how to start
• I gave you a question to reflect upon earlier
• And of course, there is always meditation which she covers in this book as well
• Meditation is the primary tool that can help us learn to relax with whatever the present moment presents us with
• Give it a try, and as always, reach out with questions or feedback
• And please don’t forget to share this episode with a friend

Until next time

Much love