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Episode 417 – The silent treatment is not effective communication

• Welcome listeners to QFY
• Last week we seemed to have a practical week –
  • Topics for every day life to help you plan and prepare better and as a result be more effective
  • This week, if we had to give it a title – it looks like a controversial week
  • Topics that are maybe a little on the edge
  • That you may not agree with
    • Such as “Being yourself doesn’t work”
    • Which we did start talking about last week
  • And that is completely fine
  • Its not my intention to convince you
  • I really only want to simulate your thoughts with interesting topics that may help you look at things in a new and different way
  • Doesn’t mean you have to change, but may mean you understand better
• Todays topic might also be one of those that make you crinch
• I don’t plan my weeks like this, but I am noticing there tend to be trends
• and here is how I really wanted to name this episode:
• Don’t respond with silence
• But – that sounds a little to direct so I changed it to –
• The silence treatment is not effective communication
• And I will show you why
• And – sometimes silence is a good response –
• But today I specifically want to talk about silence as a treatment
  • A conscious decision to respond to a conflict by shutting down and avoiding all interaction with the other person
• Is the silence treatment your preferred way to deal with anger, frustration or with whatever inner turmoil you might be dealing with?
• If it is, today is the day to seriously reconsider this very ineffective style of communication
• I am going to address you today as the giver of the silence treatment, even though I know my listeners would ever do this
  • I found it a little easier this way to address the topic
• But I will talk about the effect it has on the receiver as well and I will give you a couple of tips at the end on how to manage it
•  
• If you recall yesterday’s episode, we talked about nonverbal communication and the powerful messages it can send
• Silence is another form of non-verbal communication
• Just because there aren’t any words spoken doesn’t mean something isn’t communicated
• And you heard me mention it yesterday – when we don’t speak, people look even closer at our nonverbal cues
• I rarely resort to silence
• If I do, its for a short amount of time and to gather my thoughts
• Or – because someone else is giving me the silence treatment
• I have been the recipient of silence treatment
• The last one I remember was for several hours – while stuck in a car
• It was torture
• Here is why:
• Kipling Williams, a Professor of Psychology at Purdue University explains, ‘Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realize the emotional or physical harm that is being done.’
• I would agree
• Its harmful
• Its feels awful not to be able to speak to the human being next to you
• When we are close to another person – by living or working together, or being in a space together such as a car or on a vacation where neither person can really leave – we feel like a caged animal
• We want to do something – say something, and yet – we cant
• The other person has shut us out and yet physically they are still there
• I don’t think that people who give the silent treatment are aware of the consequences
• I think, generally, those people are deeply hurt and incapable to process their feelings
• They are suffering – and they pull us into their suffering
• You might say – yes
  • But Maybe I am still thinking on what to do with the situation
  • And maybe I am unable to articulate my feelings
  • And I also need to protect myself
• And to that I say – yes
  • One – this should be temporary
  • Two – you can do all of this while still maintaining a healthy dialogue with the other person
  • Maybe the topic of concern is not discussed at the moment because both of you need time, but that doesn’t mean the entire relationship is on pause
• A decision to not speak to you for hours in a car or for days while going about your daily life is more than just insecurity on what to say
  • It’s a treatment, a punishment
  • A conscious effort to make the other person suffer for something they may have done
• I am clearly aware that the silent treatment comes as a result of a mistake we may have made
  • Something we said or did that most likely was not a good choice
  • Again – it happens
  • But it doesn’t need to overshadow the entire relationship to the degree where communication is not possible anymore
• Yet this is exactly what often happens
  • It starts with a disagreement or a misunderstanding about a simple issue
  • And from there it escalates
    • One instance is not viewed as one instance anymore
    • Its looked at as a pattern – suddenly everything the other person ever did is wrong
    • And from there it spirals into something that threatens the future of the relationship

• I am not saying that sometimes the conflicts are not severe
• Sure they are – I have had my share of them
• But I believe nothing, no matter what ever happens warrants the silent treatment
• Here is why:

• It’s a complete loss of time
  • Nothing gets done in the time you aren’t talking
  • You might be simmering but keep in mind – your issue involves another person
  • So without addressing it with the actual person, its most likely not getting resolved
  • I know we like to make assumptions
  • And our assumptions make us happy because they work for us
  • They are explanations as our mind offers and we accept them
  • But – drumroll please – they may not be real
  • So you think you are productive and thinking things through, working it out for yourself, drawing conclusions and so forth
  • But you are only productive with your mind – and not the other person
  • The purpose of a relationship is to work together
    • And that includes resolving issues jointly
  • The Time you lose in silence is time you could use to clear your assumptions, to improve the relationships or even to seek help if its needed
  • Instead you make time stand still and nothing gets done
  • And not just for yourself – you are holding the other person hostage who is also losing time waiting on you to resume speaking again
  • Its completely selfish
  • You are missing out on a transformative experience of the heart,
  • and you are giving up on your small but crucial contribution to making peace
  •  
• The silence treatment is an immense waste of energy
  • For both
  • For you – as it costs a lot of emotional effort to try to ignore another human being that is close to you
  • And for your partner or friend who is worrying, wondering and probably really anxious
  • And it makes everything only worse
  • The longer you are silent, the bigger the wound you create and the harder it becomes to repair
  • Because here is what silence communicates to me:
  • You don’t care enough about me to speak to me
  • Simple as that
  • Speaking, communicating, those are basics
  • We do it all day long, with everyone and everywhere
  • If we cannot get ourselves to speak with the person next to us, despite what has happened, then we don’t deserve to be in a relationship or even a friendship
  • If its so bad – that you cannot even utter a word
  • Even if only
    • Hey, I need some time to digest this, can we talk tomorrow?
  • Then why even stick around?
  •  
  • If you cant articulate your feelings
  • If you are to scared to say something
  • If you lack confidence o stand up to your partner
  • Then I say
  • Work on those thing first before entering a relationship
  • Or – maybe you are with the wrong partner
  • I may not be the person for you
  • Why waste needless energy being silent in a relationship?
  • Do you see that it doesn’t make sense?
  • When 2 people cannot come together and speak about something that happened – then they probably shouldn’t be together
  • It sends a very strong signal to me when my partner or a friend gives me the silent treatment
  • Which brings me to the last point

• The silence treatment indicates a loss of control over yourself
  • You may not be aware – but It communicates more than you may want to communicate –
    • Not finding a word to say makes you look weak
    • It also shows me that you cannot handle difficult situations
    • I have spoken about the fact that it shows you don’t really care about me
      • It shows that your own feelings are more important than anything else
    • And – it tells me clearly that you have issues – inner demons – that you are not willing to deal with
    • Instead you are putting it all on me
  • I have noticed that quite often – once the silence is over – things go back to normal
  • As if nothing has happened
  • The elephant in the room is never addressed
  • I see it quite often in text exchanges
  • This may not be an outright silent treatment, but if you consistently responds  to any difficult messages by NOT responding – its an indicator you can’t handle it
  • You don’t have control over yourself
  • This doesn’t mean you’re out of control
  • It just means you cannot control difficult situations that may come your way
  • Because here is the thing
  • With the silence treatment – everything goes out the window
  • There is not even respect anymore for the other person
  • You are holding them hostage – by not even acknowledging them and their feelings
  • If you cannot even do that
  • If you cannot at least assure them – yes – I heard you I got your message, I am thinking about it, I am unsure on how to respond, or simply asking – can you clarify? Can we talk about this some more? – then you lack control over your emotions
  • You are unable to manage yourself and it affects the other person
  •  
  • As the receiver of many silent treatments I have done any or all of the following:
    • I have interpreted the silence in a multitude of ways
    • I have talked back to a silent person as if they were talking, pretending they said something and responded to that
      • In essence I had a conversation with my assumptions
    • I have excused myself just so the other person would talk
    • I have left hoping it would help and when it didn’t I returned
    • And in between i have suffered – a great deal
    • Mostly because I didn’t know whats next
  • I am sure you can relate to this if you have received the silence treatment
  • I don’t do this anymore
  • And I am telling you – don’t put up with it anymore
  • Be very clear with the other person that this is not working for you
  • Silence as communication is not effective
  • You are available to speak about the issue, but there is nothing you can do with silence
    • Don’t apologize for anything
    • Don’t force the person to speak to you
    • Don’t give any deadlines either
  • Make it clear that speaking and addressing the issue is the only way you are willing to continue
  • And if this doesn’t work, then you move on
  • Remember – if someone cannot appreciate you enough to speak – are they worth your time?
  • So – if you truly have given the silent treatment before – maybe your intentions were not so severe
  • But I wanted to offer the perspective from the receiver’s side to show you – the effects of it are severe
  • The person being treated with silence is in limbo
  • And I have spoken many times on this podcast about our brains need for safety and certainty
  • We need to know whats next
  • This applies as much to our relationships as to everything else –
  • If we don’t feel safe in our relationships, it can lead to stress, anxiety, depression, possibly other physical illness
  • The least assure your partner that you are still there for them
  • That shows you care despite the conflict
  • If it hurt you so bad that you want to end the relationship -then do so
  • But don’t hold someone hostage with silence as you’re making up your mind
  • And then – deal with your demons
  • Be vocal with yourself
  • Write our the emotions you are unable to express
  • Speak to a close friend about your situation
  • Seek professional help
  • But the silent treatment is not an acceptable form of communication
  • Period

silence is effective as a response in a few instances  – and we had an episode on that – 228 – so I wont go into detail

• But for severe instances
• When you feel attacked, or put under pressure
• When you have been hurt and need some time to deal with your pain
• Then some temporary silence is acceptable
• Take your time to heal but don’t turn it into a punishment for the other person
• Which can easily happen – we tend to turn hurt into anger and resentment
• I encourage you – let the other person know what you are dealing with and give them an estimated time when you will be able to speak again
• Its honest and fair
• It gives the other person a sense of assurance and it will also let them know that you are not punishing them – you just need time
• And it also helps them to think about what they may have done to you that caused the silence
• Maybe they will work on bettering themselves
• Maybe they will seek help or come forth with an apology
• You can turn the silence into something effective as long as you keep the other person in mind and your intentions are good

I hope this helped you – I know it helped me understand the silence treatment better and detect it more easily

It doesn’t always come from partners – it can come from friends as well

Let them know you are not putting up with it – be vocal – set those boundaries and don’t allow other to play with your emotions

Much love