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Episode 427 – learning to detach

• Lately I have been thinking again about this fascinating concept of detachment
• I don’t think about it usually – only when I notice something stirring inside of me
• When I start digging a little recognize feelings such as
  • Anxiety
  • Fear
  • Anger
  • Jealousy
  • Pride
• That’s when I know right away
• I am attached again
• I am attached to an outcome
  • The outcome may that I want a person to behave in a certain way
  • An event that I want to happen
  • A recognition I may be expecting
• I notice a sense of expectation
• And whenever I expect something to happen – I attach to that
  • I grasp, I control, I manage and I force
• Even if that’s is not in actual doings, but only in my thoughts
• And then I create such feelings that leave me devoid of all my energy
• And most importantly – attachment holds me back from happiness
• I can’t enjoy my life because my thoughts always go back to that place
• Have you ever noticed that?
  • When you are feverishly texting with someone trying to get them to see your point?
  • You look at the time afterwards and you wonder how you lost an hour over what seems just a few messages
  • Or you sat at your desk trying to work on a report but really you are just sitting there, ruminating about something that just happened or is about to happen
• Isn’t it interesting that certain things do this to us, and others don’t?
• our attachments all have underlying wants and fears
• they go back to unmet needs
  • basic needs like the ones for safety, for love, belonging
  •  
• When they are not met – we grasp and we hold on
• We seek what we are lacking outside of us and it lead to feelings of suffering

• There are 2 quotes from people I admire that I have saved in my Evernote
• And when I feel I am attached again – I read them
• And I want to read them to you because they will may help you recognize attachment in your life and possibly guide towards detachment
•  

“Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be obtained only by someone who is detached. ” 
― Simone Weil

• Love this quote
• Attachments are illusions
• They are fabrications of the mind
  • ideas about how something should be
• But according to whom?
• Only our own interpretation
• Attachments are not reality
• The reality is whatever actually happens – despite of what we are thinking
  • Those moments when we are completely surprised?
  • Because we had something in mind that didn’t turn out that way at all?
  • I am sure you know what I am talking about
• So we may as well let go and allow reality to play out
• Yet we all know that letting go sounds much easier than it is
• Letting go of a physical object like the car steering wheel is easy – one split second
• But letting go of our thoughts, and our worries and our doubts is so much harder
• I am so caught up with myself
  • My expectations
  • My what ifs
  • My own little world
• I know I need to let go
• But the will is not enough
• Because remember – there is an underlying fear that we almost identify with
• It gives us a sense of safety
•  
• Letting go of that feels like giving up that safety
• You know when people tell you – it will be OK – and you think for yourself – they don’t have any idea whats going on
• We are clenching to our pain, to our misfortune
• We hold the grip tight
• Loosening it, maybe by reflecting on the advice a friend gave us, means suddenly we are vulnerable
• Wait a minute, maybe things will be ok – they were ok last time I had a similar situation
• We rarely do this because often we are just not aware that we are attached
• Once we become aware, of the attachment, it will lose its power over us

• Ryan holiday gives us an idea of how we can create this awareness:

“You must practice seeing yourself with a little distance, cultivating the ability to get out of your own head. Detachment is a sort of natural ego antidote.”

• Distance is key to detachment
• Distance can help us become aware
• Distance creates a gap – a break
•  
• Lets reflect a little bit today on the attachments in our life
• We all have them and they surface from time to time
  • We have worries that keep us locked in
  • We have judgments and grudges we hold
  • We have ideas on what should be and we hang on to them even when things are not that way
• And now lets think about what letting go would mean
• I have noticed that our attachments give us a sense of comfort
• They are a little hole we crawl into when we need cover and protection
• My grandmother was a worrier
  • Every time a difficult situation came up, her way to deal with it was to worry
• I recently met someone who I consider very judgmental
  • He has seen me from a less appealing side one time and now he applies this observation to all future events that have not yet occurred
  • He is attached to his interpretations of me and he wont let go
• I am someone who likes control
  • I attach to outcomes and routines
  • I plan and manage and for me things have to work out a certain way
  • And if they don’t, I struggle

• Our needs and our fears keep us small
• Because we limit ourselves to certain thoughts and judgments – we don’t ever get to see the whole picture
• My friend makes decisions based on his judgments about me
• As a result, he never gets to see other possible outcomes
• Like a lion in a cage
• Or better – the ego – like Ryan identifies this part of us that resists change and want to be control
• Freedom comes when we wake up
• Distance helps me to wake up
•  
• First and foremost we need mental distance because we are so hooked on that one outcome
  • letting go of the grip on that thought, habit or behavior that keeps us attached
• But mental distance is often harder to accomplish since we are so ruled by our thoughts already
• So I find it most useful to create physical distance by doing something that takes my thoughts to a different place
• When I feel fear, anxiety, jealousy – any of those gripping feelings – I notice them in my body
  • I tense up – my neck, my shoulders
  • My stomach usually rumbles
  • I breathe heavier
  • I may get sweaty hands
  • My thoughts are racing
  • I am not in touch with myself
• I may not be clear that I need to let go, but I know something is up because my body tells me
• Start there
• We all can listen to our bodies
• It takes a few seconds of checking in
  • Why am I nervous
  • Why am I so angry over this
  • Why can’t I focus on my work right now?
• As soon as you pay attention to you body you will notice the tension ease up
• The same happens with the mind
• Once we notice we are grasping onto an idea, a thought, we can let it go
• But – that’s harder and takes practice
• So start with the body
• And once you notice the tension
• then find space
• Move yourself to a better place
• Do something different
  • I sometimes notice I am not breathing when I am caught up in some thought
    • So I take a few very conscious breaths
  • I have created a habit of reading text messages from people where I am expecting something that may affect my energy by reading them and then putting the phone down and going about my life
    • I don’t stop to answer
    • I let The message percolate in the back of my mind
    • But while I go about my business, the message sits in the background and I think about my answer more objectively
  • When something is worrying you, can you start writing your worries out?
  • When you notice you are angry with someone, can you talk to yourself and have a conversation about it?
  • The idea is to give those thoughts that control us, that are attaching, an outlet
  • Once they are out – they are under more scrutiny because you are becoming aware of them
    • Its like taking the CD out of the player and looking at it
    • Or opening the App to see what the name of the song is
  • Breathing them out, writing or speaking them, or questioning them, if you are able to, that will bring them out into the open
  • And then we can actually see what they are
  • Analyze them
  • And become aware what lies behind them
  • Find out what the unmet need is that is causing you to crasp
  •  
  • I quite often have conversations with myself in the car
  • I ask myself – Janine what is upsetting about this situation?
  • I talk it through
  • By asking questions
  • By being present with it
  • It almost always reveals itself
  •  
  • Attachment requires that we detach
  • Only by detaching can we learn what is bothering us
    • What causes the grasping
  • When we shine a light on it – not judging it, simply asking what it wants
  • We allow it to come out
    • The fear, the need, the desire for something
  • Once its out, its exposed
  • And next time we show the same behavior, we will know much quicker where its coming from
  • And slowly the attachment will go away
  • Only appear form time to time
  • Because it has been recognized
  • And when we recognize it, we give it love
  • That’s all it needs
  • Just love

She Let Go

by Safire Rose

She let go.

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.

She let go of the judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.

She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.

Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice.

She didn’t read a book on how to let go.

She didn’t search the scriptures.

She just let go.

She let go of all of the memories that held her back.

She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.

She didn’t journal about it.

She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.

She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.

She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

She didn’t call the prayer line.

She didn’t utter one word.

She just let go.

No one was around when it happened.

There was no applause or congratulations.

No one thanked her or praised her.

No one noticed a thing.

Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort.

There was no struggle.

It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.

A light breeze blew through her.

And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…