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Episode 437 – Don’t make friends with the elephant trainer

• Hi friends
• We are going to talk about elephants this week
• At least in this episode and the next one
• Because I have simultaneously come across 2 wonderful quotes that merit their own episode each
• Lets talk about the first one today
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“If you don’t want an elephant in your living room, then don’t make friends with the elephant trainer.” — old Sufi saying

• I had to think about it for some time to see what resonates from the quote
• We all heard of the infamous elephant in the room
• Which basically means that there is a situation or problem that everyone is aware of, but nobody wants to talk about.
• The Elephant is a metaphoricalbecause something as huge as an elephant shouldn’t get overlooked – yet it does quite often
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• I am not certain the elephant in the common expression and the one in our quote relate but to me they do
• The elephant in both scenarios represents a problem
• In both instances he is on the room
  • The room is our life, our immediate environment or a group we are part of
• The elephant trainer to me represent the one person who brings in the problem – ie. The elephant
• so if we don’t want problems in our lives, then we shouldn’t invite the person who promotes the problems
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• I like elephants
• They are huge yet they appear so peaceful, grounded, and stable
  • characteristics I wish I had more of
• I don’t know why the elephant picked the card of the bad guy in our 2 quotes, but it definitely is a memorable image
• Contemplating this quote I realized:
• I invite many of my problems into my life because I have unrealistic expectations from some of the people in my life
• Those are the elephant trainers
• By giving them space in my life, I am inviting in the elephant
• These are not bad people – they are not to blame
• I am to blame
• Because I have expectations these people can never meet
• As I was working on this episode – I was looking through my LinkedIn newsfeed and saw the following post from Adam Grant
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When people disappoint you, it’s not due to their actions. It’s because their actions fell short of your expectations. You can’t control what people do, but you can choose not to let their actions dictate your emotions. Be clearer about your expectations—or set more realistic ones.

• Adam Grant on LinkedIn
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• This is what the Sufi quote is teaching us
• We are responsible for the many of the problems in our life because we hold on to expectations and the people we hope will meet them
• Listen to the following sentences and see if some of them sound familiar:
  • But he is a good person
  • She is always there for me
  • We have been friends for so long now
  • He means well
  • She has a good heart
  • When we are alone we get along fine
• I could go on
• We find excuses to hang on to these people, yet at the same time we wish they were different
• You can hear it in these sentences I just read to you
• After listing all the problems, we end with one of them
• We can’t let go
• We try again
• And we invite the elephant into our life again
• Again, these are not necessarily bad people, but they are not the people that behave in accordance with our values
• Can you think of someone in your life like that?
• A good person
• With a big heart
• Maybe someone you have known for years
• Who is always there when you need them
• And you get along just fine – in certain circumstances
• But yet – you are not happy with that relationship
• Its taking a lot out of you
• Arguments, energy spent on trying to resolve conflicts, communication challenges, times of confusion, frustration,
• And you think – maybe its you
• Maybe you are just to complicated, have to high of a standard, are to ridgit, or to weird
• So you keep trying to make it work
• But then , you are with other people and things are so easy, so light, so fulfilling
• And you wonder:
• Why can it not be this way with this one person?
• Well my friend, let me tell you – I have been there
• They are not the problem
• And we don’t have a problem either
• The only problem is – we are holding that person to an unrealistic standard
  • A standard they can never meet
• I had a person in my life I really liked
• We shared a lot of common interests
• We had a good time together
• But we couldn’t communicate well
  • This person always talked about himself, and hardly asked me about me
  • Not even a platonic how are you – zero questions
  • And if you have listened to my episodes for a while, you know I am a huge fan of curiosity
  • Curiosity demonstrates interest
• Unless I shared something about me without being asked, he knew very little about me
• The problem was – the little he knew – he always used as a reference
• This caused a lot of assumptions and frankly, a lot of negativity
• He already knew how I was going to react based on something I told him weeks ago that had nothing to do with the situation at hand
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• I felt utterly disregarded, unheard, unseen and judged
• But I tried to ignore my needs
• He was a nice person after all
• I couldn’t find any problems with him
• He was respectful, kind, generous, always willing to help me
• I thought – this has to work
• We are friends for a reason
• But my need to be acknowledged, to receive a positive comment from time to time, to be asked how I feel, how my weekend was, it didn’t go away
• I carried that expectation with me and deep inside I always hoped my friend would at some point realize it
• But just as Adam Grant said – we cant control what people do
• We can only control ourselves
• If you have a person like this in your life – try to think back of times where you ran into conflicts with that person
• Be honest with yourself – and you will notice that the conflict arose due to unmet expectations
• My last exchange with my friend was over text where I was – again – responding to him talking only about himself – and at some point he couldn’t understand what I was saying and told me Forget it
• That was it for me
• That is when I realized – no matter what I do, or hope for, no matter how much I bend in order to get what I need – I cant control someone else
• Conflicts will continue to ensue with a person that doesn’t meet our needs and doesn’t have the same values as us
• A person that likes to talk about himself all the time and doesn’t ask question of others cannot be friends with people who need questions in order to start talking
• You see the mismatch?
• People that are cheap and don’t spend money cannot be close with people who are generous and don’t mind spending extra
• It doesn’t matter how good of a person it is
• Or that you both like hiking together
• If you continue to have the expectation that he eventually asks questions, or she stops being so cheap, things will not work
• We either lower our expectations, something I have often done, or we distance ourselves from that person
• I have lowered my expectations many times mostly because I always assumed my standards are to high
• Let me tell you my friends:
• Don’t lower your standards just to have one person around
• I realized this recently when I met all those wonderful people through my speaking program
• There are so many people in my life now that I get along with so easily
• Their values match mine
• Yeah maybe they are not into the same activities as me, but I realized that this matters less to me
• Communication is important
• Motivation, positive encouragement, and most of all – interest
• An interest in me and who I am
• To me this forms the basis of every human interaction
• I demonstrate the same for the people I meet
• So my friends
• Don’t lower your standards but be clear about your expectations
• We all need different things in life based on our upbringing and our values
• It doesn’t make us weird or difficult or high maintenance
• Its who we are
• Lets honor who we are
• Lets respect our boundaries
• Its when we are not true to ourselves and allow the elephant trainer in the room, that the elephant appears
• Problems and difficulties usually arise when our expectations are not met
• So instead of pushing for them to be met, lets let go
  • The drama queen
  • The lyer
  • The negative person
  • The self-absorbed friend
• Let them be
• They are just being themselves—and in their mind, they probably have a good reason for being that way.
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• We can still remain in touch with the elephant trainer – but from a distance
• I can celebrate all the good I see in my friend – but from afar
• While, in the meantime, I surround myself with people whose values match mine
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• Remember when I told you that I had lost my climbing partner this year because he moved away?
• Well – let me tell you – I think I found a new partner
• We had our first long day together last weekend and I am pretty excited
• We had a great day together
• He is calm yet determined
• He is observant, respectful and highly cooperative
• And he already allowed me to lead a couple of routes
• I am pretty stoked as it is very difficult to find a good climbing partner

• Why am I sharing this?
• Because I realized – when we create the distance from the people that drive us mad and that consume all our energy, we are making space for other people to enter our lives
• There are so many amazing people in this world
• But when we are always just consumed with the elephant in our living room, we will not have time to notice these wonderful people
• Instead of continuing to be upset, frustrated and disappointed – because those people don’t meet our expectations – close the door to these people so the elephant stays on the outside
• Then – let some fresh air in and see who shows up
• You will be surprised to find that you don’t have to lower your expectations
• You just need to let of the people that cannot meet them

Much love my friends