Episode 514 – Learning from anger

• Welcome back my friends
• I decided to tackle a difficult topic today
• Anger
• When I first thought about making this an episode topic, I didn’t think it would be so hard
• But then I started reading about anger, and now I realize – anger is not an easy emotion
• Its easy to get upset about an angry person
• Its easy to blame them for our pain
• Its easy to dismiss such a person
• I have done all of the above
• But its much harder to try understand what an angry person is going through
• And that I have done very little of
• I recently had an encounter with an angry person and that prompted my interest in the topic
• And this is something else I learned in my research
• Just because I don’t explode and show the obvious signs of anger doesn’t mean I don’t get angry
• Anger has many degrees
• it can range from mild irritation, to frustration, all the way up to seething rage. 
• One article I read even classified boredom as a mild version of anger because it’s a form of dissatisfaction with what is happening.
• This episode is for all of us
• We all get angry from time to time and we all have to deal with angry people, sometimes more often than we wish
• Anger is an emotion
• I find it often quite interesting that the people that get angry are the biggest opponents of the “getting emotional” type of behaviors
• When getting angry is actually getting quite emotional
• But – I digress
• What I meant to say is – being emotional is not just crying and whining and being jealous
• Any expression of an emotion, including anger and rage, means we are showing our emotions
• And that in itself should never be downplayed
• We all are emotional beings and its normal to show them
• So if you have been told that being emotional is a weakness, I challenge you to think it through today
• We are all emotional
• And even the people that consider themselves in control of themselves, or stoic, as that is the term often used to describe a lack of emotions, they also show their emotions
• And quite often, that emotion is anger
• Why?
• Because anger is an emotion that is triggered by other, often suppressed emotions
• One article therefore calls anger a secondary emotion
• So in order to address anger, we cannot start with anger itself
• We need to understand what emotions drive anger
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• primary emotions, like fear or sadness, can often be found underneath the anger. 
• Fear includes feelings like anxiety and worry, and sadness comes from the experience of loss, disappointment or discouragement.
• But there are other feelings that are not as strong and that can still lead to anger
  • Stress and exhaustion for example
  • These resonate with because I know my fuse gets shorter when I am tired or stressed out about something
  • My answers get shorter and I have a lower tolerance for challenging people or situations
  • Other emotions that can lead to anger include feeling embarrassed, frustrated, attacked, guilty, disappointed, uncomfortable in some way, worried or offended
• Some of these feelings don’t trigger anger for me but may do so for you
• we all have our degrees of anger
• I like this quote by DP

“If you try to get rid of fear and anger without knowing their meaning, they will grow stronger and return.”
― Deepak Chopra, The Third Jesus: The Christ We Cannot Ignore

• We probably all agree that anger is not a pleasant emotion
• Angry people cause me to either shut down completely or get angry just like them
• For the recipient of anger, It’s a very difficult emotion to deal with
• But its not much easier for the person handing it out
• It often results in regret and shame, knowing that it wasn’t an effective way to deal with an issue
• To me anger may be understandable, but that doesn’t mean its acceptable
  • And that includes when I was angry
  • I am not happy with myself afterwards
• Anger is a sign of a problem that needs to be addressed
• Anger happens, but it cannot happen repeatedly over the same issues
• This means that the underlying problem is not being tackled
• When we are consistently angry in similar situations, or with the same topics, then its time to figure out the emotion underlying and causing the anger
• Because if not addressed, as DP said, the anger and frustration will only get worse
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• If its our anger, We have to understand the meaning of it
• If its someone else anger, we have to help them understand that they need to find the meaning in it
• We now already know this much:
• All primary feelings can be quite uncomfortable because we don’t feel in control
  • Fear, sadness, embarrassment – we don’t want others to notice that we feel this way
• So we try to hide our vulnerability, and that means we push those feelings into the background
• But:
• And as Susan David, Ph.D., author of Emotional Agility, says, “Our raw feelings can be the messengers we need to teach us things about ourselves and can prompt insights into important life directions.”
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• and this is where our work begins:
• Learning to recognize anger as a protector of our raw feelings, can be helpful in detecting the real issue

• Anger is almost always a sign of a need
  • It might be a need to be seen, heard and validated
  • It could be a need for space, quiet and time
  • Sometimes we need more certainty and clarity
  • Often we just want to know that we are loved and accepted
• Anger can also be a sign of an unresolved grief or a fear of a certain outcome
• By identifying the primary emotion, we can then determine the best course of action to resolve the problem. 
• For this to happen we need to create a gap between the feeling and the reaction to the feeling
• This sounds harder than it is
• This gap really just is a pause that may take some practice because it requires that we catch ourselves getting angry
  • I think we all notice somehow that anger isn’t the right response, but that awareness comes often after the fact, and we just dot know what to do about it
  • So we forget about it until next time, when it catches us off guard again
• the shift from a primary emotion like fear or sadness into anger mode is typically quite fast and unconscious
  • I call it an impulsive response and it can seem like something we will never be able to control
  • and the more of a habit it is for you to be angry, the longer it may take to create that gap and become aware
• But it starts with awareness
• And even if the awareness happens after the fact, slowly we will get better at catching it
• Whether we notice it prior or afterwards, we should try to look within to see what the need is
• In fact, I often ask myself this question when I notice difficult emotions within me
  • What is it that I need?
  • What’s bothering me?
  • Why do I feel this way?
• start by exploring your thoughts, as those are what fuel all emotions
• my thoughts prior to anger are often centered on some sort of dissatisfaction
• there are expectations that haven’t been met
• when I am able to identify those expectations, I often quickly realize how unreasonable they are which then helps me to diffuse my anger
• pause for a moment to check in with yourself and see if you can identify the primary emotion driving the anger
• and if you are the recipient of anger, here is my advice:
  • don’t engage with an angry person
  • the best way to help that person reflect on his or her anger is to be quiet
  • if the anger crosses your boundaries, be sure to establish them
  • for example, when someone insults me, I will not allow this and will say so
  • I will make a very short and sincere request to please not be insulted
  • But I will not engage with the topic of the anger
  • I will set the boundary and then try to be quiet
  • Because if I am not, then it becomes very hard for me to control my emotions and soon I will find myself angry as well
  • Reasoning with an angry person also doesn’t help
  • Don’t even try to say “calm down” – it will only make the other person feel worse
  • They are already not having their needs met
  • By telling them to calm down we are only giving them a cold shoulder
  • It takes courage and emotional stability to stand by an angry person and not take their anger personal
  • It’s not a skill I have mastered but if you can do it, kudos to you
  • It might be easier to do with a partner whom you are emotionally connected with
  • It requires a lot of compassion and selflessness to try to understand and distance yourself form your partners anger
  • To communicate that you understand their feelings and maybe even try to validate them
• The easiest reaction is to become defensive
• We all often resort to that and its normal
• But if we, as the recipient, also can create a small gap between receiving the anger and reacting to it, we may inject some curiosity into that gap
  • “Wow, this person is angry, why is that?”
  • What was it that triggered them so severely?
• Its not about feeling sorry for them, but its trying to understand them and at the same time this understanding will help us temper our reaction to the anger
• I always consider the fact that I have some responsibility in the other person’s anger
• While it is their decision to respond this way, I feel somehow reposnilbe for how the other person feels
  • Maybe I was ignorant, maybe I was insensitive, whatever it may be
  • While I am not taking all responsibility and carry all the burden, I feel its important to reflect on the part we maybe have played and that contributed to the anger
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• My climbing partner tends to get angry when I make mistakes on things I should already know, things he taught me
• It took me a long time to realize that justifying my mistakes only makes things worse
• I believe he feels let down by my inability to remember basic things that he taught me
• So I have changed my response to becoming quiet, acknowledging the mistake and leaving it at that
• And just yesterday we talked about this very thing
  • He has a need that’s not met that causing him this anger
  • So instead of focusing on the anger
  • We discussed the expectation and agreed on a plan going forward

• That’s often all we have to do
• Even if we are sometimes accused unjustly
• To validate the other person and avoiding any escalation, its best to surrender in the moment
• And later, when the anger subsides, a conversation may be possible where the need that wasn’t met should be discussed to see if you can come to an agreement
• And it may not always be possible to reach consensus
• If its something that is very important, then maybe the resolution is to part ways
• Repeated Anger should not be tolerated over the same issues
• Try to find the underlying need, address it if possible, and if not, part ways
• I believe, that once the actual need is uncovered, it can often be easily addressed, when both people are willing to compromise
• And this compromise may become easier after you listen to the next couple of paragraphs from Poet David Whyte on anger,
• These have really helped me shift how I view anger, especially when directed at me

What we have named as anger on the surface is the violent outer response to our own inner powerlessness, a powerlessness connected to such a profound sense of rawness and care that it can find no proper outer body or identity or voice, or way of life to hold it. What we call anger is often simply the unwillingness to live the full measure of our fears or of our not knowing, in the face of our love for a wife, in the depth of our caring for a son, in our wanting the best, in the face of simply being alive and loving those with whom we live.

Anger truly felt at its center is the essential living flame of being fully alive and fully here; it is a quality to be followed to its source, to be prized, to be tended, and an invitation to finding a way to bring that source fully into the world through making the mind clearer and more generous, the heart more compassionate and the body larger and strong enough to hold it. What we call anger on the surface only serves to define its true underlying quality by being a complete but absolute mirror-opposite of its true internal essence.

• “a quality to be followed to its source”
• Follow it
• Learn what it is teaching you about yourself
• Find out what it is you need
• And address it
• Because anger often leaves a lot of damage in its path
• When its really just an outcry for help
• Answer the cry and find the help you need so other people are nor hurt by your anger

Much love