How we can become more effective in the different roles we play each day? Maybe you are tempted to say that we need to be more authentic. But its more important that we are consistent. Just as we expect products to perform the same way every time and people to treat us well each time, the same is expected of us. Our roles come with expectations and they can seem like a burden, but I argue that we when we learn to play them well, they will make us a better person.

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Learning to play your roles well – QFY 416

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Episode 416 – Learning to play your roles well

  • Welcome to all my listeners
  • Why can’t I just be myself?
  • That was a question we asked last week and I attempted to answer it
  • I have tried it all my life – by rebelling against the norm and the expectations from others and trying to force my of being on them
  • But I finally realized – being myself is not the opposite of conformity
  • Rather – it’s a process that is continually evolving
  • I am becoming myself every day through the experiences and the interactions that I have
  • And the expectations from others don’t work against that process – but with it
  • Because they challenge me to become a better Self
  • My current self is good, because I have been working on becoming better
  • But I have tons of work to do still
  • In a recent interaction with a friend that went totally sideways, unfortunately because it was over text, the frustration started because of something I said
  • In the past I would justify my answer, and try to explain it
  • But in the end its not about being right
  • The other person felt hurt and I validated their feeling
  • I am sorry you are seeing it this way and I apologize
  • I left it at that
  • Did this person over-react? Yes
  • Could they have handled the situation better by asking clarification on my message?
  • Sure
  • But I can’ control what anyone does
  • I can only control what I do and I can try to be my best self, even if my inner self, the one that’s impulsive and reactionary, wants to defend itself
  • I try to keep the person in mind, their feelings and the relationship overall
  • And I make adjustments
  • Next time I will be more careful in what I say
  • Maybe, if this happens repeatedly, and we cannot communicate well, I don’t continue the friendship
  • I can make any decision I need, but I don’t have to show my emotions
  • Which I often do, if I allow myself just to be myself
  • The text message that set of the miscommunication was me – being myself
    • Not being careful with my words
    • Not being considerate and seeing the other person
  • It couldn’t be taken back
  • The only thing left to do was to apologize
  •  
  • Our true self needs work
  • We have strengths and weaknesses
  • We have characteristics others love about us and then we have some others struggle with
  • People want us to be authentic
  • That makes us endearing, it helps us stand out from the crowd
  • But they don’t want our issues
  • And we don’t want theirs either
  • So we play roles in every day life
  • Not to conform ourselves to the norm and standards
  • But to be effective and successful
  • If everyone behaved like themselves, I would be worried about all my direct and indirect interactions with others
    • Including getting on a plane
    • Driving on the road
    • Working for a company
    • Getting my hair done
    • And so forth
  • And if I acted like however I feel, then I probably couldn’t hold my job for very long
  • Seth Godin has written a wonderful post on the topic of authenticity a couple of years back that really brings it home for me:
  • Defining authenticity
  • For me, it’s not “do what you feel like doing,” because that’s unlikely to be useful.
  • You might feel like hanging out on the beach, telling off your boss or generally making nothing much of value. Authenticity as an impulse is hardly something to aspire to.
  • It’s not, “say whatever is on your mind,” either.
  • Instead, I define it as, “consistent emotional labor.”
  • We call a brand or a person authentic when they’re consistent, when they act the same way whether or not someone is looking. Someone is authentic when their actions are in alignment with what they promise.
  • Showing up as a pro.
  • Keeping promises.
  • Even when you don’t feel like it.
  • Especially when you don’t.

 

  • This phrase – consistent emotional labor is great
  • It’s the inner work I referred to in my previous episodes that challenges me to become a better Janine
  • We talked about it when we spoke about emotional intelligence as well a few episodes ago
  • Self awareness and self management are critical skills that we all will work on mastering for the rest of our lives
  • Today I want to give you a few bullets that I have come to appreciate as critical in this process of consistent emotional labor
  • Maybe you will snub at them and dismiss them as inauthentic
  • But I encourage you to find the value in these behaviors
    • To see how they might feel fake only at first
    • But to allow them to help you grow

 

  1. nonverbal communication
  • this is especially important for people that are very expressive
  • I am one of these people
  • A blank stare is hard for me
  • I will usually always communicate something, even if I don’t open my mouth
  • My face, my body posture or my gestures usually say something about how I feel
  • What we don’t realize is that people listen to non-verbal commutation just as much
  • Especially when we don’t speak
  • In my public speaking program, I learned that as soon as we are visible, whether that’s on stage or in a room filled with people, we are visible
  • And people look at us and take cues from everything they can get
  • While we can usually mince our words and say the right thing when needed, the nonverbal cues we send may tell a different story
  • So its important that we need to learn how to manage them more consciously
  • Keep in mind, despite the many cultural differences when it comes to communication, the facial expressions for happiness, sadness, anger, and fear are similar throughout the world
  • My suggestion is this:
  • Use the doorway drill
  • I have spoken about it before
  • Prior to entering any room or space with people – pause and become present
  • Check your body language and ask yourself – what do I want to communicate when I enter? – before I open my mouth
  • This may vary depending on where you are
  • You may enter a bar differently than an important meeting at work
  • I have even used this at home or when visiting friends
  • Sometimes we have tough days and bring that baggage with us wherever we go
  • A quick self-check helps us become centered and help us fine-tune how we are going to approach them
  • We do it when we are nervous
  • We take a deep breath before something important awaits us
  • But we miss it when we feel confident
    • Like we often do when we are about to see people we know very well
  • But we are on stage all the time, even when we think we are not
  • Even the people that we are comfortable with have expectations from us that a quick self check will bring to the surface
  • Ask yourself – how do I want to be seen?
  • This is important when you are new somewhere or you don’t feel well
  • Another suggestion is
  • Practice your likeable behaviors
  • Long time ago I share with you how I learned to smile more
  • Yet – it still doesn’t occur to me all the time
  • My face can look more serious than I feel so the smile is the best way for me to appear likeable and friendly
  • People comment constantly on my face when its to serious
  • I may just be in thoughts, but its not perceived well
  • This was one of the things I always rebelled against – especially since coming to the US
  • Why do I have to force a smile?
  • Because it gets the job done
  • It puts not only the people around me at ease, but it also helps me be less tense
  • I have found that there is always a positive consequence to every behavior, even the once that cost us some effort
  • It makes us feel better
  • So practice those things that you need to work on
    • Maybe for you it’s a posture that communicates confidence
    • Maybe a facial expression that shows you are curious
    • Maybe it’s a way you hold your arms that shows you are open
  • be aware of your nonverbal style so you can consciously alter certain aspects when the time calls for it
  • friends can give us great feedback on some of ticks we have that we may not even be aware of

 

  1. Practice emotional responses
  • This sounds strange I know,
  • But over my lifetime of failures I have come to realize the importance of repertoire of responses for critical moments
  • I don’t have these written down somewhere and they don’t occur to me all the time but the more I use them, the better I become
  • I know this sounds like acting – but its really just about politeness and control
  • For example – when someone gives a compliment – say thank you
  • There is no if or but, just say thank you
  • When someone invites you to something – and I learned this the hard way last week – say thank you
  • Don’t let them know you are still thinking about it by asking questions
  • Have a standard response in the back of your mind all the difficult moments in life
  • And you know them because they repeat themselves
  • And they are different for everyone based on what you do daily
  • For example – I manage a warehouse so I constantly get complaints about the warehouse not doing this or that
  • My standard response is this:
    • Let me look into it
  • Its easy to fire back with some excuse or explanation and I have done it a million times
  • But quite often I really need to do some research first, even when I feel confident I know what happened
  • If you get angry easily – find a standard behavior, a sentence or a gesture that you can pull out of your hat and that helps you to control yourself
  • if you are always emoting whatever comes to you in the moment, it will signal that you are a victim to your emotions
  • learn to control yourself
  • if you get snippy quickly with waiters, clerks, attendants – work on go-to behavior that helps you be more friendly
  • sooner than later you will notice, the contrived response will become your natural response
  • it may have started as fake, but as you notice that it helps keep emotions in check, it becomes your natural reaction
  • my earlier example with the friend who was frustrated and my response “I am sorry you feel this way” is such a standard response that helps me form getting defensive and it validates the feelings of the other person
  • And by saying it, it actually really helps me have more empathy for the other person
  • I see their feelings and what they might be going through much better
  • Lastly
  1. Project good qualities at all times
  • Whether you master them or not
  • Whether you feel them or not
  • Fake them if necessary
  • But project your best self as often as you can
  • Start thinking about the things you value in other people
  • I think there are some common characteristics we all appreciate:
    • Kindness
    • Sincerity
    • Honesty
    • Friendliness
    • receptivity to ideas and feedback
    • curiosity
    • interest
    • generosity
  • think about what makes you feel good
  • and then practice projecting these qualities
  • for example – being generous used to be hard for me
  • i had to force myself to become generous
  • how did I do it?
  • When there is a potluck – I sign up to bring something or give money
  • When I eat out, I offer to pay
  • I tip well
  • I give people money when they help me out
  • I have taken the thinking and the guessing about whether I should or should not, and how much is good out completely and I just give
    • And I try to make it generous
  • My authentic self is not generous
  • I don’t know why – maybe because I wasn’t raised that way – I don’t know
  • But I learned early on that nobody wants to deal with a person that constantly worries about money
  • I probably still have it within me – but I have put behaviors in place that appear to make me generous
  • And this makes me a better person overall
  • What do people around you value?
  • Keep others in mind as you think about these qualities
  • If you are always the smartest person in the room – maybe practice humility and curiosity
  • If you are always the one stepping up to help, practice honesty and learn to speak up and delegate
  • If you tend to be more serious and introverted, like me, then lets practice friendliness and kindness
  •  
  • I know this is hard stuff that may take years to learn
  • But start by focusing one or two 2 areas
  • You know mine – I have shared them with you
  • Acting or faking it not only helps us be more effective in our relationships with others, it also protects us
  • It gives a sense of control, even if we don’t feel like we have any
  • Being in control, even if just from the outside, guards us when others dump their emotions and behaviors on us
  • When someone cuts me off in traffic – I have a standard response – I slow down
  • I do the opposite of what I used to do, and of what I still want to do
  • I have trained myself so I can protect myself
  • And as a result, I have become a safer river
  •  
  • We can do that in many areas of our life
  • We can become our best self by forcing a behavior that doesn’t come natural to us, learning it, perfecting it and eventually – mastering it

 

 

Much love

 

 

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