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Episode 445 – When our identity gets in the way

• welcome QFY friends
• we don’t think about identity much
• I mean – its part of us – whats there to think about
• But I noticed that our identity gets in the way quite often
• Identity is about who we are
• And this understanding of who we are sits somewhere deep inside of us
• it relates to our basic values and those dictate the choices we make
• our identity I how we see ourselves and what is important to us
• however, we rarely actually think about identity
• it somehow forms in the background, since we were little
• we internalized the values of our parents, later our peers, the culture we grow up in, and the values we observe in others
  • for example education, career choices, lifestyle, and appearance
• its almost as if our identity is a byproduct of growing up
• and we often don’t take notice of it until it gets in the way
• I realize this every time I get defensive
• And I started questioning myself – why do I get defensive?
• What bothers me about this?
• As an example:
• When people get to know me better – they often comment on my strict routines
  • I go to bed fairly early
  • I work out pretty much every day
  • I prep all my meals on the weekend
  • And so on
• I have certain non-negotiables that I have do
• yet when people call me out on them, tease me or joke about it, I get defensive
• and I wondered – why
• why don’t I own my routines?
• My activities – my life?
• and I realized that in my mind – I am holding on to an identity of someone who is flexible with her schedule, who is available when she is needed, who doesn’t like to be put in a box
• someone who wants to be liked
• I don’t like getting a NO – so I don’t like giving them either
• I don’t want to be known by my limits, I want to be recognized for everything I CAN do
• I discovered an identity conflict
• I lead a strict life – and I am happy with that life
• But I don’t want others to know about it – somehow
• Isn’t it interesting how our identity is not always representative of who we actually are?
• We think of ourselves as one person, but we often act very differently
  • We think of ourselves as flexible, but in reality we are pretty ridgit
  • We think of ourselves as generous, but we are not the first ones to jump when help is required
  • We think we are healthy, but when we log our food every day, we notice we are actually not
• Our identity is deeply engrained in us
  • From years of forming and shaping and believing that this is the person we are
• Yet, we have changed
• We have adopted new behaviors – maybe those of a person we want to be
  • But our identity is still rooted in old beliefs
  • Or we become defensive because somehow we re still trying to hang on to the old
  • Like in my example
• Or we see ourselves in a better light than we actually act
  • Our self-identity is skewed
• Often we are making choices that are not in line with our identity, both good and bad ones
  • We believe in one thing, but we behave very differently

• Religion and politics are great examples for when our identity gets in the way
  • These beliefs are often deeply rooted within us, and when they are questioned, we become defensive
  • We feel like we need to defend ourselves
  • Our identity is under attack
• Just watch the wars that are going on online when it comes to politics, religion, and even sport
• Some people spend hours every day defending themselves because they feel their identity has been threatened
• And the result:
  • A loss of valuable time and energy
  • Hurt feelings
  • Regrettable words and behaviors
  • And all around – nothing productive comes from arguing based on our identity
• You see
• our identity cant be trusted
• Its often not really in line with what we do
• I recently heard someone speak about the important of presence a leadership skill
  • Full and complete presence with the people you engage with
• Yet in a few meetings I have had with her, when I or others presented information she was always on her cell phone, scanning her IG and LI feeds
• Maybe she believes she is a present leader – but her behaviors show otherwise
• Imagine her getting questioned about that
• I bet you would agree with me that she might get really defensive
  • Maybe her argument would be that she is present with only those things that matter to her immediately
  • Or that the example of her being on the phone is not applicable
• When we get attacked and respond in self-defense, we almost always talk past one another
• Someone is trying to argue based on logic, the other person reacts based on feeling
• Do you see the mismatch?
• That is why I say:
• Our identity gets in the way of fruitful dialogue with other people
• Because we get defensive, any hope for a constructive conversation is lost
• I realized –its best if I leave my identity out
• And instead:
• I try to connect with the other person
• In whichever way is best at the moment
• Just as if we are joking about car models, which I don’t feel strongly about, I can do the same when it comes to touchier subjects
• Instead of coming from a place of “this is an attack” I can come from a place of “these are just another person’s words”
• Often people come from a place of insecurity, anger or fear
• And then we try to turn the discussion into a logical one
• Do you see the mismatch?
• Just because our identity gets in the way
• The topics that engage my identity are different from the ones that engage yours
• Its not so much the topic – rather it depends on the person
• I care very little about politics but I have friends that will talk about it as soon as I see them
• politics alone is not the source of the problem, identity is.
• People engaging in a verbal war are really just identities under attack
• Me getting defensive about being questioned on my routines – it has nothing to do with my routines
  • Whether they are right or wrong or good or bad
  • It only as to do with me and my identity around them
• When our identity gets in the way – we are missing out on what really matters
  • Human connection
  • Fruitful discussion
  • Solving problems
  • Creating solutions
  •  
• I don’t trust my identity because I see how incongruent my behaviors are
  • I love my routines, yet I don’t stand up for them
  • I tell everyone I don’t care about cars, but when a specific aspect of a certain car is discussed, I may feel more strongly about it
• I don’t trust my identity enough to have arguments over it that only leave me feel depleted, angry and hurt
• But I trust my ability to seek connection
• To not let the topic derail me from what matters more –
  • The opportunity to have a dialogue, maybe a laugh,
  • But most importantly – to stand above my tendency to react emotionally and instead distance myself from engrained beliefs and not allow them to rule over me
• When my identity gets in the way, I almost always loose control over myself
• And later I regret my behaviors
• What about you?
• Next time you feel defensive
  • Check yourself
  • Is there something on the inside that feels frightened, threatened or insecure?
  • Is that why you are itching to lash out? To defend yourself?
  • Can you find a way to separate the topic from yourself?
  • Look at them separately
  • The topic is just words
  • You are filled with thoughts and feelings – not all of which are congruent
• Isn’t it easier to just look at the words and treat them a such
• Instead of bringing your entire person into the mix?
• Before you know it – you have awkward moments, sarcasm, anger, or silences
• Best to avoid it all laugh it off, kindly decline to engage any further, or ask a clarification question
• In the heat of the moment, when your emotions want to win over, its best to take a step back and invest your energy not in your self, but in the other person
• Try to understand where they are coming from
  • Maybe they just want to hurt you
  • Or they don’t care
  • Or they want to pick on you
• And then connect with them over that
• Focus on them – instead of engaging your identity
• I bed we can have more productive conversation this way that don’t leave people hurt or angry

Much love