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Episode 454 – Our human contracts  

• Welcome back friends
• I went climbing on Saturday with a different partner, someone I only climb with once in a while
• We get a long really well, and we talk bout everything
• He is just a very open and sincere guy
• And he is single
• He always shares his dating adventures with me – which make for entertaining conversations on the strenuous hikes to the base of the mountain and the steep down climbs
• If we lived closer, he would probably be a good friend because we connect well on all topics human
• We often exchange book suggestions as he likes to read on similar topics that also interest me
• We went out to eat after our very challenging climb where I actually failed
• I had to pull a big roof and it took me a few tries
• Thank goodness for the rope but still – I don’t like to hang
• But this year I am challenging myself on harder climbs
• If I only climb grades I can comfortably climb I never get better
• Attempting something hard like a roof
• Anyway
• Over dinner he showed me a little blub that he got off Facebook I believe and I loved it
• So I want to share it with you today and talk a little bit about it
• Here it goes:
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• Its written by Jeff brown who wrote the book An uncommon bond, which my friend also recommended
• It’s very clear and direct advice
• Here is what matters, here is what doesn’t
• The problem is, when it comes to people we have feelings for, friends, partners, family – we often don’t see clearly what matters
• We hang on to people because we like them –
• We make decisions based on feelings, not based on an objective assessment
  • Feelings, assumptions, and expectations
  • Ideas of what might be, not what is
• Like:
  • someone else like this person doesn’t exist
  • we can’t be without them
  • they will change – just takes time
  • this is as good as it gets
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• We have all have our own reasons to keep people in our life
  • People we really want as part of our life
  • but that care not nearly as much about being part of our life
• But we don’t see that
• We make a contract with them – not realizing, that they haven’t made one with us
• Maybe they attempted to make one
• In the past
• But then something came up
  • They changed their mind
  • They got distracted
  • They are uncertain about what they want
• So they break the contract
• They are not fully engaged in the relationship anymore
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• Lets use friendship as an example
• We often notice it earlier when it comes to a friend because our hearts are not so tightly invested
• I bet you all can think of a friend that was a friend for a while, or looked like it would become a good friend – but then they didn’t follow through
• I recently had such an example
• I met this sweet woman at my speaking workshop and we connected really well
• She related to me
• When I rehearsed with her, she always got the message I was trying to convey with my speech
• She encouraged and motivated me
• And every time we saw each other we always made it a point to talk and connect
• On the last trip she said – lets stay in touch – I want to follow your journey
• She also said she would listen to my podcast
• She was a big support for me during this program
• A few weeks ago I asked her on LI for a testimonial that I could put on LI and my website, because she has heard my speech in full length
• Silence
• A week later she finally responded and said she was busy preparing for our upcoming video shoot
• Ok – I got that – we all had to present a small portion in front of camera for our speaker reel – it was a busy time
• I accepted that – although 2 other people from that course wrote me recommendations – 2 sentences – that’s all I asked for
• After the video shoot I waited a couple of weeks to see if she would remember
• 3 days I finally wrote her – checking in
• Still – no word
• And by I already know
  • I’ve known the moment it took her a week to respond to my first message
• She is unlikely to follow through
• The connection I thought we had – the contract I imagined of a friendship developing – even if from afar – is not happening
• Because she didn’t sign it
• I thought she did
• We often think we have a contract with that other person
• Because there are indicators
  • Attention
  • Kindness
  • Generosity
  • A special feeling of Connectedness
    • Maybe its physical, as often happens with relationships
    • Maybe its because of shared experiences or a simple ability to communicate well, like my climbing partner and I have
  • And its our innate desire to relate and be with other human beings
  • So we are always out there trying to bond
  • We are looking for connection
  • We are seeking agreements of mutual relationships with other humans
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• you would probably agree with me after telling you my story – that my imagined friend is not seeking an agreement with me
• this doesn’t mean I misread the signs
  • she probably liked me
  • she related to my message
  • she probably even intended to stay in touch with me
  • but something happened
  • something came up
• and I don’t know what it is and there is no need to figure it out
• because it doesn’t matter
• what matters is what I see:
  • non-responsiveness
  • disinterest
  • silence
• this is what matters
• this is what matters with all people in our life
  • love relationships, friendships, even family
  • even coworkers or our own employees

• when people show us clearly that they don’t want the same kind of relationship we do, then that’s all the information we need
• that means there is no agreement
• it doesn’t mean you need to analyze why that is
• or make excuses why it cannot be 100% at the moment and allow it to be
• or do more so maybe the other person comes around
• the agreement has to be signed by both
• and when it is, you will know
• you will not have doubts
• because there is a mutual contribution to the relationship and the friendship
• there is effort, compromise, and a working together
• there is conversation
• there is a caring and an interest for one another
• there is a staying in touch
• there is – connection
• an agreement is a connection between the 2 of you
• a mutual understanding of the type of connection you will have
  • maybe romantic,
  • maybe a sports partner, like in my case with my climbing partners
  • maybe a long-distance friendship
  • or a professional relationship
  • a mentor – mentee connection
• whatever relationships you have in your life:
• ask yourself today – is there an agreement between the 2 of you?
• Or are you making up for the non-agreement of the other person?
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• Let me tell you – for me its very hard to let go of people
• I have made big strides in the romantic area
• I have become better at seeing quickly when they are not a fit for me
• But then I don’t want to let them go entirely and I always make an effort to try to remain friends
  • So much was invested with this person – why lose it?
• This often doesn’t work because somewhere there are still expectations remaining
• And you lose so much energy fighting over a relationship that doesn’t have an agreement
• Look for missing agreements in your life
• They come in many colors
• Sometimes we think they don’t mean anything
  • Someone only calling when they need help
  • Or always arriving late
• Other times they really bother us, but we still put up with them
  • People promising us to take us places, show us things teach us something
  • And then never following through
• People that cannot commit to us are not in an agreement with us
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• I have a climbing partner who only contacts me when other partners cancel on him – the day off the climb
• Or – He would ask me – in the middle of a weekday– if we can meet the climbing gym – lie – right now
• You would think there is no harm in having someone around that you barely see
• Surely someday the climbing thing will work out
• This has been going on for a year now and I finally decided that this is it
• Even if it only happens 3-4x a year – it still wastes a lot of energy
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• When there is no agreement, as Jeff Brown says, don’t make up
• Don’t imagine one
• Don’t wait for one
• And most importantly – don’t analyze why there isn’t one
• Just like you wouldn’t work for anyone without an employment agreement
• Or wouldn’t hire someone to do work on your house or car without an agreement
• Don’t waste your time in relationships that don’t have a mutual agreement
• You are either both engaged and committed to a common cause
• Or it a lost cause
• And why waste time on a lost cause?
• You have bigger things to do with this one amazing life you’re living
• Go out and find people that want to be part of your quest
• They are there
• When you trust this process – they will come
• I have seen it over and over again
• Find people that fit in your life, and don’t waste time forcing those that don’t
• This world is filled with amazing human beings
• Go out and connect with them
• Sign human contracts with the people that want to be in your life just a much as you want to be in theirs
• Everything else is a waste of time
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Much love