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Episode 460 –obstacles to compassion  

• Welcome back everyone
• I’ve been thinking about compassion a lot lately
• I have always thought that I don’t have enough of it
• You know those people
• You have seen them, and maybe you are one of those incredible people
• Those that always seem to understand us
• They are always nice
• Smiling, nodding, and they have the best encouraging words for us
• Sure, we don’t know what they say when we leave, but when are face to face, they seem genuine and, well, compassionate
• I have always wanted more of what these people have
• This never-ending fountain of kindness inside
• I can only seem to access it when it involves a close friend
• Or when the situation is dire
• But with strangers?
• People I don’t know
• Or even causes I cannot relate to?
• Then its harder for me
• Somewhere I heard that compassion is caring
• Caring to me is intimate
• I can only care and be compassionate with people I know of causes that matter to me
• Really?
• I began to question myself
• Its not that I am not able to be compassionate
• Or caring
• But something is holding me back
• When I hear phrases like this famous one by Lucinda Williams that she sang as she put one of her father’s poems to music, 
• Have compassion for everyone you meet, for you do not know what wars are going on down there, where the spirit meets the bone.
• I don’t disagree
• I strongly believe the world would be a better place if we all practiced more compassion
• As I am writing this, I am reflecting on a situation from yesterday
• It’s a situation that occurs every time I go climbing
• But yesterday I realized something:
  • When we get to the route we decide to climb, my main concern, every single time, is other people
  • When you’re a beginner climber, you compete with a much bigger pool of people than when you are advanced
  • So the routes that are easier are also often more populated
  • Plus – and both of these are just speculations based on what I have seen – there are fewer easier routes in most climbing areas than there are harder ones
  • And a lot of our climbing plans revolve around the people on a route –
    • We get up earlier because of it
    • We study maps to make sure we know where to go
    • We plan entire climbing days around how busy it might be in a given area
  • Getting to the crag is not a leisurely stroll in the park
  • Its quite scheduled, and purposeful
  • Its another step in the process of climbing, that, if not executed properly, can affect the rest of the day
  • sometimes – It can feel like we are heading to work
    • focused, fast and trying to not be late
  • Even though we are competing with an unknown enemy
    • Sometimes we get to the crag early and already have 3 parties waiting in line
    • And sometimes we get there late, and nobody is there
  • But we don’t find out until we get there
  • So I always feel pressure until I get to a climb

• And when people are already there, or, as it quite often happens, they arrive a few minutes after us but they know exactly where the route is so while we are still looking around, they are coming up behind us and start setting up
• I get easily frustrated
• And this happened yesterday again
• the couple came a few minutes after us
• but while we trying to figure out where exactly the route is – they had a guidebook and found it quicker
• so they got to climb first
• but – they were very nice
• We ended up setting up a route next to them and shared both ropes
• So we didn’t have to wait so long
• Compassion
• They showed compassion while I only worried about Who’s on first

• And that’s when I realized –
• What stands in the way of my compassion is not that I am heartless, selfish, or that I cannot relate to others
  • All I want is to get to my climb and not have to sit around and loose an hour
  • Or get through the grocery checkout as quickly as possible so I can get home
• Its expectations
• The expectations I have for the climb, on how the day should run, on timing and scheduling and anything else
• Our expectations of how things should be are the biggest obstacle to extending this unconditional care towards others that Lucinda speaks about
• Out expectations are our agenda
• And its not selfish to have a plan
• When we have important things to do in life – and well do – we need a plan
• We need to prepare and schedule and be on point
• And schedules come with expectations
• When you get up extra early to go to the office to finish a project – you don’t expect traffic or other delays –
  • You expect to be first in the office with peace and quiet to work on your task

• I think the more we prepare the higher our expectations that things go the way we hope
• But the problem with expectations is that they make us a little blind to everything else
• We are so focused on our objective, we don’t see other possible outcomes
• And as a result, I realized – cannot be compassionate
• Instead, I am suspicious
• I am tense
• I am also – and it pains me to even say it – indifferent
• And when I read this quote from psychologist and artist Anne Truitt, I have to be admit – I have fallen into this trap many times

“Unless we are very, very careful, we doom each other by holding onto images of one another based on preconceptions that are in turn based on indifference to what is other than ourselves.” 

• Our expectations are images we hold of what should be
• And those then come along with pre-conceived notions of what others should behave like
• It’s a tricky little scenario I see in many areas of my life
  • Just because I got up an hour earlier to go to work early doesn’t mean there can’t be already traffic on the road
  • Just because I worked extra long on a report for my boss doesn’t mean he will actually find it useful
• Expectations – I have discovered – stand in the way of compassion and caring
• When I realized this yesterday after our first climb of the day, I shifted my thinking slightly
  • Instead of being pissed at the people that got to climb before us
  • And at us for not being properly prepared and knowing where the route is
• I decided, that for the rest of the day, I will go with the flow
• I decided to just enjoy the day as it comes – busy routes or not, delays or not
• No expectations
• Just rolling with the flow
• Now – I know this is easy when we are out on a Saturday without any deadlines and important appointments
• So I know, my experiment may not hold much value for you
• But what if I told you that I did get to climb everything I wanted to yesterday even tough there were people all over the place
  • People drinking beer, being loud, rude sometimes
• And I didn’t let it bother me
• I was friendly with them
• I offered to share our rope
• I tried myself on compassion for the rest of the day and had a much better day
• Because I was relaxed
• I had compassion not just with them, but also with myself
• Instead of adding pressure to my day – hoping for fewer people – an event completely outside of my control – I relaxed
• Which then allowed me to be more caring with the people I came across
• And this is what we need to realize when it comes to compassion
• It comes much easier when we are first caring towards ourselves
• Being tense and stressed about how things should go is not compassion
• Instead
• Compassion is being ok with whatever happens
• Even if its not what we planned
• Compassion is accepting the situation as it comes
• This then reduces stress and tension and opens us up to other, possibly even better outcomes
• And the same applies to other people
• By being more compassionate towards them, we open ourselves up to learning something from them
  • To maybe even build a special connection with that person
• But this only happens when we let go of expectations
• You see
• Planning and preparing doesn’t have to come with expectations
• If we can separate the two:
• by planning and we preparing as best as we can, and then letting go and trusting the process,
• wouldn’t that open us up to more compassion?
• My climbing partner frequently reminds me when I am stressed out because another party beat us to the crag to just relax
• “we will still climb this route” he gently reminds me, “just not right now”
•  
• In her book  Twelve Steps to a Compassionate LifeKaren Armstrong writes:
• “Compassion… asks us to look into our own hearts, discover what gives us pain, and then refuse, under any circumstance whatsoever, to inflict that pain on anybody else.”
• Isn’t this what its ultimately really is about –
  • Our obsession with how things need to work out
  • Our fear of failure, of losing control, of not being good enough
• We wrap it all up into expectations that then cause us and others stress?
• When I thought back to other examples in my life, this applies every time
• I am incapable of being compassionate when my expectations are more important
• And I mean – really compassionate
• To the fake kind of politeness that we all can pull off when we need to because we have been taught so
• No, I mean real compassion
• Genuine caring not for our interests, but for whatever the situation calls for
• Honoring others in their autonomy to be who they are
• And allowing space for mutual discovery of any possible outcome
• Letting go of our expectations immediately opens us up
  • It allows us to see the other person, not just ourselves
  • Tune in to some of the needs this person might have and therefore providing an opportunity for compromise
    • Because my climbing partner doesn’t have expectations like me, he was able to strike a conversation with the other party and negotiate an outcome that works for both of us
  • Compassion is more than just a friendliness towards the world
  • I believe compassion is a way of living
  • We do our best every single day
    • Plan, prepare and execute with excellence
  • But we don’t become locked in expectations of a certain outcome
  • We deal with whatever comes to us
  • With kindness, care and compassion
  • Knowing that we cannot control everything in life
  • We can only control how we respond to it

I love what Einstein wrote in 1950:

A human being is part of a whole, called by us the “Universe,” a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest — a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.

• I want to leave you with that
• And maybe as way to practice more compassion towards others, you can, as I have tried, simply let go of some expectations
• The rest – the kindness, the Genuity, the caring you so admire in others , will then most likely come by itself
• It just needs the space to expand
• So lets give it that space so we can embrace all situations and all human beings as they come

Much love