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Episode 485 – More being, less doing

• Welcome back my friends
• I come to you with a heavy heart
• Today was a tough day for me
• I may have told you that I mentor a 12 year old girl from East Oakland
• Today we had a school meeting
• She is in 7^th grade and she struggles
• A lot
• I wont go into details – I will only tell you – its hard for me to see such a smart and beautiful girl struggle
• She I not my daughter but in my heart it feels like she is
• I care for her a lot
• I want to see her succeed
• I want to do everything I can to help yet
• And yet – I can’t
• I struggle with that
• I keep wrecking my brain trying to see what I can do
• But the fact that I am only her mentor leaves me with hands tied
•  
• That there are situations in life that we just have accept as they are
• We can try our best
• But sometimes we know that our best is not good enough
• My girl needs a lot of help
• She needs me every day
• Yet I cannot be with her every day
• And it tears on my heart
• But no matter how much I want to do
  • Like move her into a school near me
  • Or see her more often
• I can’t
• Even though I know it would help her.
•  
• Can you relate to me?
• Have you had moments in life where you wanted to do more but couldn’t?
  • Sometimes we want to help close friends – but they don’t want our help
  • Or we want to make changes at work because we see something is clearly wrong – but we can’t overstep our boundaries
  • We see injustice in our community and yet, we don’t feel equipped to affect any change
• We feel powerless
• Defeated, as one co-worker noticed today as I walked into work after that meeting
• And it sucks
• We live in times where we can control so much of our lives
  • Often by just hitting a button on our keyboard
• We can make stuff happen
• We have options
• And with options comes the power to discern
• Once we make a choice, we feel empowered
• We have done it
•  
• So when we know we could control something – a person, an event an outcome, but the circumstances don’t allow us to, its hard to accept
• We talked about control before
  • The kind of control that is rooted in fear and comes with expectations
• The same still applies when we want to do good
• We try to control situations because of an expected outcome
  • What we think will happen if we don’t intervene
• And because we are attached to an outcome
  • We believe that our perceived outcome is the best option
• And yes- it might be
  • Because we all want the best for ourselves and others
• The issue is that life doesn’t work acocridng to what we want or believe to be is best
• We may see it as the best option for everyone involved
• We know it will work
• We are certain that this is exactly what is needed
• But that doesn’t mean it will happen the way we think
  • Other people are involved and they have their thinking that tells them what is best
  • Circumstances have to play out according to an order than we don’t control
• And we have no other option than to stand and watch
• Letting go is hard
  • Especially when you know you could do something that would bring a better result
• Letting go is surrendering
• Its accepting what is
  • Which seems contradictory when we know the person is worse off without our actions
• But lets think about this together.
• We can try and spend all our adrenaline-charged energy on trying to fix things
• Like crazy people, we search on the internet, make phone calls, book appointments, run from here to there to make stuff happen
• I ma sure you have done some of this in times where you felt strongly about someone or something
• I know I have
• And it feels good to be needed
• We want to matter
• We long to belong
• So we do because we think our doing will change the world
• And sometimes it does
• When done in harmony with life
• This harmony is hard to define
  • It is more like a feeling around in darkness
  • Its experimenting with possible solutions
  • One at a time
  • To see what works
  • Giving it time
  • Waiting
  • And maybe trying again something different this time
  • Or if it works, taking the feedback and taking another step in the same direction
• Harmony is flow
• Its when you see that things unfold without much pushing
• You give a little, and something comes back
• You feel things are moving along
• That’s flow
• That’s harmony
• That’s balance
•  
• But when feel pressure
• The Counterforce
• The resistance
• When we do and do and do and nothing seems to be working
• Then there is no harmony
• We are trying to control something that cannot be controlled
• When we reach this point,
• we need to surrender
• we let go of the doing and the pushing and the managing
• and we allow space for balance to be restored
• our actions that are not working – we need to let them go
• our feelings that leave us anxious, depleted, and defeated – we need to let them go
• our words that don’t seem to be heard – we need to stop talking and be quiet
• Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting about the person or the cause

• For me – Letting go doesn’t mean I will let go of my girl
• I am just letting go of forcing my way
• Instead,
• I become present to what is
• Life has its own flow
• I am not in control
• I am not in charge
• I am part of a bigger picture and I need to accept my place as it is in this moment
• I have to remind myself of that today
• Especially today
• Because my anxiousness wants to send me off into a search for unfeasible solutions
• Probably so I can feel better
• When letting go will do that
• Letting go – when I actually do it
• When I stop fighting
  • By taking a few deep breaths
  • By finding something to be grateful for in the situation
  • And by accepting that this is what it is right now, whether I like it or not
• A sense of calm will come over me
• A form of peace with the circumstances will take hold of me
• And I see more clearly
• And I realize once again, as I often do, in such situations –
•  
• We don’t need to DO more
• the other person that we want to help doesn’t need us to DO more
• They need us to BE more
• They just need us to be there for them
  • Silent, encouraging, supporting
• Being as in being present
  • Listening
  • Trying to understand
  • Interested
• Being who we are
• Always
• Being comes without expectations
• It allows us to let the moment unfold without being tied to an outcome
  • Why don’t you try this? A question that’s loaded with expectations
  • Or
  • I am here for you – that’s being –
•  
• Being is the only thing I need to do more with my girl that struggles
• Maybe being is what you need to do more with the people and sitations in your life that don’t want to be changed by your doing

Much love