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Episode 498 – The connection roadmap

https://integralcentered.com/3-levels-of-conversation/

• I think we can never talk enough about talking
• Communication is both a blessing and a curse for mankind
• The right communication with someone can give us a feeling of love, warmth and oneness with the other person
• The wrong kind of communication results in just the opposite – hate, coldness and a sense of separation from the other
• There is no question in my mind that we all need to work on our communication
• We talk all day long, and yet I feel we are also more estranged than ever
• All the talking we do, whether its in person, or on our screens, doesn’t seem to add a ton of value
• All the information on how to communicate better doesn’t seem to help
• Sometimes, I feel it makes things worse
• Communication is a skill
• It’s a skill that has to be learned
• But we think just because we can talk and articulate ourselves, we don’t need any training on communication
• Maybe we don’t – if we don’t care
• But if we care
• If we want more meaningful connections and deeper relationships in our lives – then we need to practice this skill
• Whether you are a verbose person always getting into trouble with the wrong words
• Or you are quiet introvert never saying much at all
• We need to learn how to communicate better so we find deeper connection with the people in our life
• Why?
• Because connecting with other people is one of the most dynamic, rewarding areas of life
• Maybe you can recall one of those special moments in your life, when you were with someone and
  • Suddenly you felt understood and heard
  • Or you felt appreciated for your efforts
  • Maybe they shared something deeply personal which you related to and it made you feel warm on the inside
  • Maybe you were dying for laughter about something special the other person said
  • Or they asked you for a advise on something important
• It’s the moment that warm feeling arises when you know you have found a special person in your life
• I have shared with you how for most of my life, I thought those special people just show up
• Maybe destiny brings them into my life
• But it had nothing to do with me
• I would put on my cool face, strolling through the world, and deep inside, I would wait for one of those special people to approach me
• Until I realized that I have to make the effort
• Just like in our previous episode when we talked about love and that getting love comes from giving love – I think it’s the same way with connection
• If we seek genuine connections with people, we need to learn how to communicate
•  
• I found an article online the other way which I really liked
• The author, Robert MacNaughton, describes what he calls the connection roadmap
• He identified 3 levels of conversation and I thought this was quite interesting so I want to share them with you
• These 3 levels helped me understand the dynamics of different types of conversations better and thereby helps set expectations
• Sometimes I have the tendency to expect to much from my conversations with others
• I always seek deep conversation, thoughtful questions and intimate connection
• Everything else is superficial to me
• But I also realize that this level of conversation is not possible all the time and that other, less intimate conversation, can still be equally valuable
• And when we begin to see the value in that kind of conversation, our level of openness and commitment to the conversation may increase
• The first level the author identified is informational conversation
• If you, like me, spend the majority of your waking hours outside the home, and with people that you are not emotionally close to, then most of your interactions take place at this level
• This is simple a data exchange with much intimacy,
  • Talk about the weather, the traffic, some sharing of personal information, but without going deep
  • And some joking around,
• My least favorite kind of conversations
• I have to force myself to talk at this level – I rather not talk at all
• Because I feel this kind of conversation goes anywhere
• But I have learned to appreciate it
  • At work I have learned that it helps me build rapport with people
    • People want to know more about us
    • It doesn’t have to be personal, but when share a little about our lives, people can relate better to us
    • For a long time I didn’t share anything about my climbing activities at work,
    • Now many people know and always ask on Mondays where I have been
    • And talking about my adventures then leads to other sharing of information
    • It has helped me build connections with people at work
  • All intimate connections start at the informational level
  • It’s a critical level because it reveals commonalities with others
  • Most if the time, conversing at this level doesn’t mean much
    • Its meant to get the job done
  • But there are the rare moments where this same level surprises us
    • When we discover something in common with a stranger
    • When something they say really touches us
    • Or when we realize we have made the wrong assumptions about this person
  • I have also found that superficial content stays superficial as long as we treat it as such
  • Sometimes it takes just a little vulnerability to move to the next level –
  • When we open up and share something more emotional, for example
  • Suddenly we find ourselves on the second level
  • The emotional and personal level
  • Here is when we move a little deeper and share our thoughts, feelings and wishes
  • When I first climbed with my then new partner, I kept my conversations at the informational level
    • We didn’t know each other – but yet, we wanted to get to know each other
  • In climbing there is also a lot of logistical and factual information that gets exchanged
    • The kind of stuff that keeps us safe and alive
    • Clip here, take that rope, go over there, etc
  • But when you then sit together on top of a mountain looking into the distance, its inevitable to go deeper
  • I often share how I feel when we are out in nature
  • When you are sharing and activity you enjoy, go out on a limb from time to time
    • Away from talking about superficial stuff, like movies, other people, work
    • And share how you feel
    • I am often pleasantly surprised
    • The other person suddenly opens up as well as if they had just been waiting for us to open up
    • My climbing partner is not a talker
    • He often doesn’t say anything
    • But a week later I will get an email with some follow-up
      • Maybe I talked about a mountain I would like to climb
      • He remembers it and suddenly send me detail information about that mountain
      • Over TG we are going to Utah to explore Indian Creek,
      • Only because one day I shared my IG feed with him, where I follow a girl who climbs there, and expressed my fasciation with the area
    • This emotional level requires curiosity, a little bit of courage and good listening skills
    • When we listen to in between the lines, we almost always can pick up more than just pure information
    • And this knowledge then can help us build a bridge to more personal and intimate conversation
    • Level 3 is relational
    • The author defines it as
      • engaging about what’s happening *right now*, in the moment, between us–
      • This is the stage at which you move from talking ABOUT stuff, and focusing more on what’s happening between the two of you, right now, in the moment.
    • I’d say this kind of conversation is my favorite but its also rare
    • I know when I have such a conversation
      • Where I am in the moment and nothing else matters
    • That I have true connection with the person across from me
    • And this is not exclusive to romantic relationships
    • Quite the contrary
    • I often missed this type of connection in the relationships I have had in the past
      • And maybe that is why they didn’t last
    • But I have had this with friends, sometimes even strangers I had just met
    • I have them with people I only see once a month
    • These are people that know me, understand me, and when I share something with them, they respond not by nodding
      • Their response challenges me, makes me think and reflect
    • And I often take some form of action after Relational Conversations
    • They help me become a better person
    • I love these kind of conversations
    • But I have learned that they take time and effort in the beginning
    • They may require a lot of tedious informational conversations
    • Maybe some risky personal conversations
    • But when I am rewarded with a conversation that then helps me grow, I know it was worth it

• And this is what I want to leave you with today – in the words of the author:
• Great conversation isn’t about “going as deep as possible”.  It’s about celebrating EVERY stage of the conversation for exactly what it is
• I have come to accept that not all conversation are deep
• And not all conversations end at the relational level
• But I know that my effort is required if I want that deeper connection
  • So don’t be annoyed by the small talk
  • And don’t be afraid to engage in some personal conversation
• Because you never know where you might end up
• It can lead to some wonderful connections in your life that help you grow and become a better version of yourself

Much love