Episode 525 – Waste of time

• Has someone every told you that you are a waste of their time?
• I hope not, because that’s a pretty harsh thing to say
• But yet, I have heard it said to me a few times and since the last time, I cannot stop thinking about it
• Its not that I haven’t thought about it before
• It hurt me every time
• But I overlooked it because the person who said continues wasting their time with me
  • I guess I am not very good at it
• But this last time it was said to me, I let it sink in a little longer
• I reflected on it
• I thought about what it means – to be someone’s waste of time
•  
• We all have said this phrase at some point or another
  • when we are caught up in activities that we didn’t choose or that take unexpected turns
  • This is a complete waste of my time
• But when we hear it say to us, then it suddenly feels personal
• Because what the person suffering from our time waste in essence is saying is this:
• You are not worth my time
•  
• And the more I thought about my role as a time waster, the more questions came up for me
• On one hand:
• I often talk about the value of time on this podcast,
  • Encouraging you to spend your time wisely
  • And emphasizing the fact that time is limited and a dwindling resource
• And here I am, on the other hand – doing exactly that to someone else
  • wasting their valuable and limited time

• For a while, I was baffled
• How is it even possible?
  • When two people decide to do something together, how can one person feel that this time is a waste?
  • Wasn’t there an agreement between them?
  • Maybe not a documented one, but an unspoken one?
• So how then, can one person suddenly decide that the activity is a waste of time?
• For me it’s a tough pill to swallow
  • I am sensitive to time
  • I talk about it a lot on this podcast
  • The activities I engage in are carefully thought through
  • I make room for them in my busy life
  • I prioritize them
  • I rarely do anything haphazardly or at the spur of the moment
• So I definitely don’t want this for anyone else either
• Obviously, I had chosen to spend my time with that person
•  
• But then I realized:
• This is not about me
• As much as it sounds like it is, because here is someone whose valuable time I have wasted, I am not the issue
• I am not wasting anyone’s time
• We had an agreement
• We both decided to do this, whatever it is
• Just as I chose them, they chose me
•  
• We all choose how we spend our time
• We all are responsible for our time
• And
• We all decide what the time we are spending means to us
• Lets take a closer look at these 3 statements:
•  
• We all choose how we spend our time
• They chose to spend time with you or me
• Although this isn’t easy, but let me tell you:
• you can safely distance yourself from the statement that you are a time waster
  • Even if you begged or paid the person
• They still decided to spend the time with you
• There was an unspoken agreement between the 2 of you
  • You most likely didn’t hold a gun to their head
• By accepting your role as a time waster
  • By taking it personal
  • By being emotionally affected by it
• You are taking on the choice the other person made over their time
• The other person chose to spend the time with you
• They cannot hold you accountable for it
•  
• The statement is trying to shift blame
• Because what the other person is really saying when they blame you for wasting their time is that you are not meeting their expectations
• And their frustration with that realization is expressed in a sentence that is meant to make you feel bad
• Because they feel bad
  • So they are shifting negative feelings to you
• Someone else’s expectations are not your responsibility
• yes
  • Maybe you dropped the ball
  • Maybe you weren’t prepared,
  • Maybe you didn’t follow through
  • Maybe you were not at your best
• But you didn’t waste the time
• They did
• They made the decision
• They entered into the agreement
• However, they did so with expectations
• And every time we approach anything in life with expectations that aren’t met, we suffer

• “Freedom (n.): To ask nothing. To expect nothing. To depend on nothing.”
  ― Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

• Two
• We all are responsible for our own time
• If someone spends time with you and later says that you wasted their time, then this is a sign that they refuse to take responsibility for their own time
• Somehow they want you to be responsible for not bringing them the outcome they hoped for
• Our time is our responsibility
• Committing ourselves to a person or a task includes owning the result
  • Even if its not one we hoped for
• You cannot be blamed for how someone else decides to spend their time
• Own your time
• If you find yourself in a situation that you feel is wasting your time, take responsibility
• Either leave the situation or make the best out of it
• But don’t blame anyone for it
• And if someone blames you for wasting their time, know that you are not responsible for their interpretation of the event
• Start by taking distance
  • A deep breath, maybe a few
  • To help you relax, because a statement like this hurt and therefore tenses us up
  • Then make space to think and bring order to your mind
  • While its your time together, try to separate the person’s time form your time
  • And then try to see what might be causing the other person to feel this way
  • This removes the tension and emotion form your back and neutralizes it
• There is an issue, and most likely you contributed to it is some form
  • help the person articulate the real problem
  • what is he or she actually frustrated about
• ask questions, show curiosity
• try to understand
• and be open to the answer
• if you messed up in some way, acknowledge that for yourself, learn that lesson you need to learn, but keep the personal attack and resulting emotional pain away
• always work and improve yourself, but don’t try to live up to someone’s expectations
• that’s impossible

• Three
• We all decide what the time we are spending means to us
• Just because 2 people agree on an activity doesn’t mean they both obtain value from it
• You have a right to your expectations, but those should not become the other person’s responsibility
• Let me give you an example:
  • In my early climbing days, I didn’t yet have a partner so I went to climbing meetups
  • My expectation was to get some climbing in and meet some new people
  • But many of those meetups had to many people who all wanted to climb which resulted in me not getting my time in
  • And I noticed that many of the participants mostly climb in gyms and use the meetups to get out for a change only
  • Very few people were serious about outdoor climbing
  • It would be silly for me to be upset or consider the meetup a waste of my time
  • My expectations were not met, but I don’t need to blame anyone
  • I learned something and I will apply that knowledge to my future decisions
• Now I hardly ever go to those meetups anymore
• You own your time
• There is no need to blame anyone else
• As much as we want the other person to do or say what we think they should do or say, we cannot force them
• We can only make a decision for ourselves –
  • Is this time still valuable for me,
  • Am I learning something in the process
  • Do I enjoy myself
  • Or, if not, then how can I use my time in a better way
• We have to decide what is a waste of our time and what is worth our time
• Calling someone or something a waste of time is not taking responsibility
•  

Writer Laurie Buchanan said it well

“Whatever you are not changing, you are choosing.”

Bottom-line is this:

• If someone blames you for wasting their time, you don’t want to question your worth
• Question your time
• How is it used best?
• Can you improve the situation or should you leave it?
• But do take some action,
• Because without action, nothing will change.

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Much love my friends