Episode 593 – The Four Noble Truths of love

Intro

• I am hearing about lots of people either solidifying their relationships and coming closer together during this pandemic, or realizing that they are not getting along and breaking up
• Whatever situation you my find yourself in, even if you’re single, I highly recommend the book I am about to talk about in this episode as grounding exercise for the complicated topic of love
• I can proudly say that I have finished a book for the first time in I don’t know how long
• And it was a great book
• My tolerance for less than great book is very slim lately
• In the past I would force myself to finish those books
• Just so I can say I did
• But not anymore
• Finding time to read is a challenge in itself
• And when I don’t look forward to the book, I have even less motivation to read
• And lately, I don’t know what it is but I picked books that I just didn’t look forward to
• I have several of them half-read sitting on my nightstand
• But not today’s book
• I finished it quickly too
• And when I read a good book, I want to share it so you can pick it up as well
• And this book, Susan Piver’s The Four Noble Truths of love – I highly recommend you read
• We all spend a significant portion of our time in relationships
• I am not an expert on relationships and love
• I have had less than a handful of long term relationships in my life
• I don’t think I have even read many books on the topic of love
• When my last relationship, which was my marriage ended, I felt I needed to find myself first and foremost
• Picking up a relationship book was last on my list
• But lately I thought that it might not be such a bad idea
• Relationships teach us how to be with another person
• And this then also teaches us about ourselves
• And somehow I felt drawn to Susan Pivers book
• I heard the author speak on a podcast, maybe a year ago and share her story of her marriage that was like a rollercoaster – up and down
• And it was the way she spoke that made me realize – this is a real person, with real relationship issues, just like the ones I have had in the past
• She speaks to me, not over me, pretending to have the perfect relationship and about to tell me I can have it too
• This captured me
• Because relationships are up and down,
• no matter how much in love you are in the beginning, the rollercoaster ride eventually starts
• so I picked up Pivers book
• And I just loved her sincere, no BS approach
• Her writing speaks to me in a way that makes me feel understood
• She shared pieces of wisdom I had never heard before
• I think what also drew me to this book was that the subtitle
  • Buddhist wisdom for modern relationships
• I have found a lot of guidance and wisdom for my live from Buddhism, so I was intrigued by this application of the ancient four noble truths of Buddhism to love
• If you have not heard them before, here they are quickly:
• 1 – life is suffering
• What this refers to is that – Life is unsatisfying because it always changes and nothing is for certain
• 2 – the cause of suffering which is basically that we grasp to the first truth in trying to create permanence
• The 3^rd truth is called The cessation of suffering – now that you know what causes suffering, you also know how to end it
• And the 4^th truth provides the path – its called the 8-fold path and it is a way out of grasping and suffering
• You can read more about the ancient 4 noble truths online
• I may even create an episode about them later
• But you’ll get an idea when I go over Pivers four noble truths of love as she parallels them with the Buddhist truths
• Her truths came to her in the midst of some of her worst relationship troubles
• And I want to quickly go over them – without giving away to much
• But they are so valuable
• Each of them offers a lesson by itself

1. The first truth – Relationships never stabilize

• Wow
• Really?
• But isn’t that what we all think and want and seek?
• Isn’t this what every relationship book is about – how to find more love and make it last?
• But I find, this chase results in constant suffering because we never feel like we arrive
• This book changes the conversation from how to get more love so we can arrive at place of comfort to HOW TO LOVE
• And this love begins with ourselves
• Piver explains something very wise in this chapter:
• Because we are never quite happy with ourselves, this then carries over into the relationship
• We are not perfect, yet we expect perfection from our relationships
• She says
• “When it comes to love, unkindness to self begins to mix with the relationship. As you become emotionally intertwined, the energetic space between you starts to close up. As it tightens, your ability to see your partner as separate from your own mind stream diminishes. The closer you get, the less able you are to actually see each other. The kindness or unkindness you extend towards them is a reflection of the way you treat yourself. ”
• Isnt this interesting?
• She adds
• “there is something about continual proximity to another person that is irritating.”
• And hence, there will always be instability
• Love is not an end state we arrive one day
• Love is a continuous unfolding, riddled with uncertainty
• The comfort we so desire doesn’t lie at the end of a long road
• Its to be found in the moment to moment dance of uncertainty, acceptance and a willingness to feel all emotions, especially fear
• Instead of hoping and thinking WHAT should happen in any given moment of our relationship, this opens us up to just go with what is happening
• Her suggested path to live in such a state?
• Meditation
• Its her recipe throughout the book and as someone who has begun meditating somewhat consistently again, I can affirm –
• Meditation opens my heart and allows me to be a more grounded and stable human being
• Relationships never stabilize – but, and this is my interpretation – I can do my own inner work to show up for any relationship as a stable, and grounded human being
• And I believe that will make for a better dance with the uncertainty that naturally arises in relationships

2. Expecting Relationships to be stable is what makes them unstable

• My experience – Expectations always lead to suffering
• Any expectations
  • Just look at life as it is now – highly unstable and uncertain
  • And to a certain degree we all struggle with that
• Because expectations tie our happiness to an outcome that is not guaranteed
• Piver states so succinctly:
• “To enter a relationship for the long term is to enter the space of not knowing. While this is so brave and beautiful, exhilarating even, it is not particularly comfortable.”
• We struggle with uncertainty
• We want to know
• Not knowing is uncomfortable
• Yet the expectation that our relationships will reach some kind of stable endpoint only leads to suffering
• Instead of waiting and hoping for our partner and the relationship to become something its not, Piver has a different suggestion:
• “Love will not come to you by imagining what love looks like. Instead of hoping against hope for true love to somehow just show up, hold your heart and mind open. Stop looking for it. Instead, offer it to everyone. In this way, you make a relationship with love itself. The focus is on expanding your heart’s capacity rather than on waiting for another to fill it up.”
• Beautiful
• This goes back to loving ourselves first
• Unconditionally
• Only when we are capable of doing so, can we then also love another and accept their imperfections
• I have found this to be true in all my relationships, whether its with a friend or a partner
• When I drop my expectations, I am more open to not only receive what is, but to also enjoy what is
• My morning calls with my V2020 group is a perfect example
• Every time we are not on topic, we have the deepest and most connecting conversations
  because we are more present to what is instead of focusing on what should be
• And I believe our love relationships would also be more loving if we approached them this way
• So Instead of getting upset when our partner is 5 min late, maybe we can use the opportunity to connect with them to learn something new about them and thereby connecting on a deeper level
• When we let go of expectations – there is an immediate relief
• You can try this out right now
• Think of anything that you have in mind at the moment where you hope for a certain outcome
  • Maybe a walk later with a friend
  • Or an email you are waiting for from someone important
  • Or an event you have coming up
• Take a moment and breathe and then let go mentally of the expectation tied to that event
  • That is has to go a certain way
• Instead relax into it
• Play with the possibility that is might go differently
• Every time I do this
• Say – I have a climbing weekend planned
• My mind starts arranging the plan already of everything I imagine should happen
  • Especially around the routes I am hoping to climb
• Yet when things change, I get often very disappointed
• Instead, if I go into the weekend with an open mind – ready to just have a great time and happy that I am out in nature, then I feel free and I don’t suffer
  • Because then everything that happens will be received with joy

3. Meeting the instability together is love

• Piver says:
• “Real love, it seems, is a result not of feeling enraptured all the time, but of being with someone who will ride these unpredictable waves with you: Now we love each other, now we don’t. Now you love me and I don’t love you Now it’s the reverse”
• Someone who holds your hand though the ups and downs that are the very nature of a relationship
• For that she suggests what she calls the container principle
• And this refers to creating an optimal environment where love can thrive
  • This includes a clean living space you inhabit
  • Putting a little effort into how you dress
  • Eating good food
  • Your other relationships outside of your partnership
  • And spending time in nature
• I love this
• In my past relationships, and even with my friends and climbing partners, I have always felt that no matter how many times we talked about certain points of contention, there were some we just could settle
• For example – and this is something that I learned about myself thru climbing:
  • I don’t pay attention well
  • Say someone teaches me something that consists of 5 steps
  • I may hear 4 out of 5
  • I may understand and be able to repeat 3 of those and the 4^th I may think I understand but don’t really get it
  • And the 5^th step I didn’t even hear
  • This happens to me in meetings at work as well and I am sure my friends and previous partners have noticed it
  • If someone shares something of importance, I really need to make an effort to pay close attention
  • This is an aspect about me that my climbing partners, who often teach me things, struggle with
  • And I get it
  • But when they ask me why I didn’t listen or pay attention, I don’t have an answer
  • It wasn’t intentional
  • My mind is easily distractible I guess
• There are things about our partners that wont change
• And this is where true loves come in
  • Where my flaws and my partners flaws are not an obstacle to loving more
  • Rather, they are part of the dance Piver is talking about
• There is more in this chapter for the third truth that I highly recommend reading
• She draws from her Buddhist training and suggests some wonderful qualities we should learn to live by and look for in our partners
• I highlighted this quote:
• “Love seems custom-made to evoke the deepest woundings and thereby forces you to choose over and over between your puny/fearful self and your heroic/genius self. The closer you get to the other person, the louder your sorrows shriek, the more frightened you become, the more you scare each other, all resulting in some very weird battles that have nothing to do with what is actually happening.”
• And with this she refers to our childhood dramas and experiences that have shaped the person we have become and that trigger us from time to time, and sometimes in less favorable ways
• Love brings those wounds out in ways that not even the closest friendship can
• And here she suggest generosity
• This entire chapter basically tells us – forget blame
• Its useless and unproductive
• Rather – turn toward each other
• Accept and work with what is
• Be present
• No matter how uncomfortable that is
• She speaks about the importance of being attentive to the other and quotes Poet and Zen priest John Tarrant Roshi
• “Attention is the most basic form of love. Through it we bless and are blessed.”
• In my example above, with my weakness of not listening well –
• The best my partner could do is just be with me
• Not belittle me, not laugh at me for having missed an important point, not question me and most importantly, not taking it personal
• Because my weakness is not causing intentional harm
  • But just be with me
  • Lovingly
  • Understanding that this is who I am and that this is an area of difficulty for me
• Now this is not an excuse of me to just be who I am and not do anything about it
• I need to try and work on myself and do so with love for the relationship
• But a partner who is shutting down and not supporting me through the discomfort is unlikely to inspire me to change
• Attention is the most basic form of love
• To me this is an indirect statement of:
  • I hear you
  • I see you
  • I am here with you and with us
  • Despite the challenges
  • I will not withdraw love from you just because you didn’t meet my expectations
• This is attention
• Doesn’t mean there can’t be disappointment, or even some silence and some space
• But a coming together should always be possible when you love one another, no matter how deep or difficult the conflict
• And again – meditation can help us develop the skills for this: mindfulness, presence, attention
• This is what meditation is about
• And this is what relationships are about

Lastly

4. There is a path to liberation

• And here is where it comes down to what we do with the fact that there will always be instability in relationships
• They are rooted in meditation, and as she states
• “Meditation, as it turns out, is not just a path to stress reduction or heightened performance. It is a path to love.”
• From the practice of meditation, we can learn the practice of being in a relationship
• Wonderful
• She talks about precision, openness, and going beyond
• A quote I love here is:
• “Rather than focusing on changing each other; you focus on knowing each other.”
• she talks about important attributes like honesty, compassion and good manners,
• Because they demonstrate the presence of that attention and awareness she talks about in the 3^rd truth
• When someone places their attention on us, that is where love lives
• And then everything arises from that
• Listen to this beautiful quote:
• “Though you may enter a relationship believing it is composed of two beings (you and me), at some point this third entity (us) joins the party. Each needs care: you, me and us. To care for one may not be the same as caring for the other”
• I cant recommend this book enough
• Whether you are in a relationship, seeking one, or not wanting one – this book will help you establish a stronger connection with yourself
• Meditation is the suggested success principle here for everything
• This is where we should all start, no matter our relationship status
• Meditation, and she ends the book teaching us to meditate, is the basis of a balanced and loving self
• And that person can then be also a more loving partner in a relationship

• I want to end with a quote that I think, is the prerequisite for it all
• It’s the requirement to begin the work with ourselves
• And it’s the requirement to be in a loving relationship
• And that is vulnerability
• IF we are not willing to be vulnerable, we are not open to change, not open to receive and not open enough to love

“Vulnerability is the prerequisite for love. What is the prerequisite for vulnerability? Uncertainty. What is the last thing we want to feel in our relationships? Uncertainty.”

Much love my friends