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Episode 457 – The value of conflicts

• Welcome back my friends
• Does it make you uncomfortable when you find yourself in a conflict with your loved one or a good friend?
• It does for me
• Just A few minutes ago we were laughing, joking, watching a beautiful sunset, and now there is silence between us
• What a damper to a great day!
• It takes all the joy out we have been experiencing
• Our mind is now preoccupied, worried and consumed with this uncomfortable thing called conflict
  • How to think about the situation
  • What do say or do next
• So much goes through our mind in times of conflict
• Conflict can temporarily freeze the flow of life
  • happiness and joy are gone
  • The plans we have made are in limbo
  • The future suddenly becomes uncertain because we don’t know how the conflict will play out
• No wonder most of us like to avoid it like the plague
• And some of us have great strategies for that
• So much so that our partners call us conflict avoiders
• We do everything we can to not deal with conflict
  • Silence is the most common form of conflict avoidance
    • Not my preferred strategy
  • Or pretending nothing happened
    • I sometimes resort to that
  • Conflict is uncomfortable because if often means we have to confront ourselves
    • Our actions, our decisions and our thoughts
  • Its also uncomfortable because we cannot be sure things will be OK following the conflict
  • And our brains don’t like uncertainty
    • Hence – our fear of conflict
    • Our strategically devised tactics to avoid conflict at all costs
  • Because conflict is confrontation with tough issues, sensitive issues, the kind of stuff we rather ignore
  •  
  • I believe we are so scared of conflict because some of our previous conflicts may have ended badly
    • Maybe they ended an important relationship
    • Or they resulted in some form of other difficult situation
    • Maybe we just observed badly managed conflicts between others
  •  
  • Conflicts can leave scars that hurt for a long time
  • And every new conflict breaks open these old scars just a little bit
    • Fear of losing the current relationship
    • Fear of failure
    • Of not measuring up
    • Of being caught or exposed
    • Criticized
    • Minimized
  •  
  • Conflicts are scary because the outcome is uncertain
  • Every time I have a serious conflict with an important person in my life I fear that I might loose that person
    • That this is it
    • We will never talk again
    • We will not get to execute we plans we made
    • It will be over
  • I am afraid of the worst outcome
  • But the worst outcome rarely happens
  •  
  • This past weekend I changed my mind about conflicts
  • Instead of worrying about what this conflict may mean for my future, I let go of my expectations a little and instead focused on the conflict as fuel for change
  • I immediately realized –
  • The worst change would be the end of the relationship
    • My friend with whom I had the conflict even mentioned something like that in the few heated sentences we exchanged
  • But I quickly brought back to mind 2 memories
    • One was of a previous time we had such an argument and the fact that we overcame it – the worst case scenario did not happened then
    • And two – I quickly brought to mind all the other great thing we share and that weigh more heavily than this one conflict
  • I made a decisions to deal with the conflict differently
  • Instead of fretting over the possibly worst outcome, I allowed the conflict to teach me
  • When we come from a place of fear, we often resort to less productive measures
    • We talked about conflict avoidance
    • But there is also the other extreme, where we try to resolve the conflict as quickly as possible
    • We say to much
    • We try to clear everything right then and there
  • And in the process we miss the actual lesson that this conflict may represent
  • Conflict is almost always an opportunity for growth and understanding
  • We learn more about ourselves and the other person
  • And this lesson is not always immediately recognizable
  • It requires silence and distance
  • Lets call it step number 1
  • I used to try to get rid of the conflict as quickly as possible by forcing the other person to talk about it right then and there
  • But conflicts can be intense
  • Adrenaline and emotions running high
  • We need a cooling period
    • For ourselves and for the other person
  • We need time to think objectively, from a distance, considering all aspects, not just the current moment
  • And this is best done in silence
  • I was somewhat forced into my silence because my friend chose silence
  • Short responses, an unwellness to talk, avoidance of eye contact
    • All signs that the other person is digesting and needs time alone
  • Its important to respect that and use the time for our own analysis
  • No matter how hard it may be
  • Because we want our world in order
  • It difficult to sit with this uncertainty
    • Not knowing when you 2 will talk again
    • What will be the outcome of that conversation
  • But I have found that silence almost always brings good news
  • In silence both sides can think about their actions and gain some perspective
  • And before you know it, silence is over
  • I don’t have a recipe for this step but silence shouldn’t last several days
    • That’s not healthy silence, that sounds more like a form of punishing the other person
  • But silence to think, to evaluate what is important, and to come up with a plan of action
  • This kind of silence can take a few hours
  • Silence and distance also help dissipate the anger that’s not uncommon during conflicts
  •  
  • Silence ends differently every time but it happens naturally
  • The necessities of life require conversation eventually
  • But there is an important realization I had this weekend
  • Call it step number 2
  • Ease into it
  • Before – I would break the silence with the topic of the conflict
  • I’d jump right in
    • Hey lets discuss this. Lets clear the air
    • I wanted to get it our of the way and move on
  • Its Not a good idea to rush
  • Just because both of you feel like talking again doesn’t mean it’s the right time to bring up the conflict and try to resolve it
  • Ease into it
  • Easing back into talking, into the normality of life is in itself already a resolution
  • Its an indication both of you want to continue on
  • You may not have closure
  • You may not be happy
  • But you both realize that life has to continue
  • My friend broke the silence
  • He was very distant all day
    • Short with his answers
    • Serious and only minimal interaction with me
  • I let it be
    • Yes – it hurts to be ignored
    • Yes its hard to be in this state of limbo
  • But its also good
  • It forces me to reflect on my actions
  • And when my friend finally said something
    • I didn’t attack him right away – pulling him back into the conflict
  • Instead – I took his peace offering
    • A simple question that had nothing to do with anything
  • And I went along with it
  • I broke my silence and answered
  • And slowly we went back to talking
  • It wasn’t until the next day that things were back to normal
  • And somewhere during the course of the day the conflict topic came up
  • and I couldn’t believe how easy it actually was
  • we were both calm
  • the conflict was still looming in the background but it didn’t have any power over our relationship in the moment
  • we continued on
  • and when the right moment presented itself, I said something
  • a very brief, calm and kind statement about how I felt the day before
  • call it step number 3
  • wait for the right moment to bring up the conflict
  • my experience has been that if I give it time and space, the right moment will present itself
    • as long as I am willing to wait for it
  • just like the silence can be endured forever, so will the conflict eventually rise to the top and want to be addressed
  • I know this is hard
  • Our tendency is to get rid of the conflict and move on
  • But I found something almost magically with this sitting with the issue
  • This brewing of the difficulty
  • It was good for me
  • And yes, I contemplated the worst outcome during that silence
    • What if we cannot fix this?
    • What if our friendship ends here?
  • And strangely – the silence allowed me to be OK with that outcome
    • If it happens it happens
  • On possible outcome of many
  • And of course – it depends a lot on the issue you are facing, and the person you have the conflict with
  • But conflicts signal a need for change and that change should be addressed
    • In a calm and reasoned manner
  • I said one simple sentence to my friend because the situation presented itself
  • and he responded by acknowledging my statement
  • later we talked more because now there was a door open to discuss the conflict peacefully
  • but only because we both had some time to think first
  •  
  • there is value in conflict
  • And its not something that we need to seek to avoid
  • It shows that both of you think about an issue in different ways
  • It’s a challenge to come together and find a middle ground
  • I believe this I a wonderful opportunity to grow as a person and the relationship
  • And this is not possible without first taking some time to think
  • How long – again it depends on the people involved
  • I can talk sooner than others
  • I make my mind up fairly quickly
  • My friend is a quiet person and probably prefers to go with speaking for a while
  • He thinks and analyzes the situation longer
  • But ultimately – the coming together will happen
  • And I found that it is more effective and productive after some distance and when brought up at a proper time
  • Don’t fear conflict
  • Rather look at it as an opportunity to improve something
  • To gain more clarity on an issue
  • And – to get to know yourself better
  • Good movies contain complex conflicts
  • And as an outsider, we enjoy the problem solving that goes along with it
  • We can take that same approach when it comes to our own conflicts
  • Accept them
  • Acknowledge them
  • Give them space to teach us
  • And then slowly resolve them
    • At the right time
    • And with the other person in mind
    • In a peaceful and kind manner that respects your individual interests but that also seeks a common ground that works for both
  • The value of conflicts my friends
  • Try to look for it next time you feel disillusioned about a conformation in your life
  • Take time to think before rushing into decision-making
  • And then let the answers come to you

Much love